Author Topic: Curious as to why this board is so quiet  (Read 1291 times)

CJF

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #15 on: September 08, 2017, 12:18:05 PM »
I know i don't post as often, and there have been many times I have deleted a response before posting, because I felt it would not help the situation.

This is me.  I read almost everyday, but seldom post anymore for this exact reason. 

Trying

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #16 on: September 08, 2017, 03:20:33 PM »
I agree with Hachi that this board is much more civil than ywbb could get.  It does make me sad that it's quiet because you have all been my life line and I don't believe it's quiet because there are less of us becoming young widows.

Maybe search engine stuff?  Not my area of expertise at all.
You will forever be my always.

Lewis

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #17 on: September 08, 2017, 04:17:18 PM »
I am currently working on search engine ranking. I think that will be our best form of advertising. That said, we are getting a good amount of traffic. It appears that many people choose to read rather than post.

sojourner

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #18 on: September 08, 2017, 06:25:12 PM »
As a Christian female with many conservative social views, I have seen my faith and/or views bashed on this forum. It does have the result of putting a chill on me feeling free to talk here. I have never bashed the views of those of other faiths, or lack of any faith. I have seen people of various faiths discuss topics from their faith perspectives freely, but Christianity and/or those holding conservative views have been called out by name and at times damned. I don't engage folks about that here, tho; I do truly wish them peace. If I were socially liberal and non-Christian, or there were more tolerance for my perspectives, I would definitely feel this was a safer place to talk.

That's all I have to say on that topic, and I will not get pulled into a debate about my observations.

Peace to you, TooSoon, and to all.
Sojourner

oneoftwo

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #19 on: September 08, 2017, 06:28:46 PM »
TooSoon
I've followed and been active on this board and its predecessor
All I can say is "I'm sorry but really?"
this tirade is why people dont post


TooSoon

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #20 on: September 08, 2017, 07:03:26 PM »
Cool.  I'm out.  Best of luck to you all. 

hachi

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  • Widowed 7-6-2012 YWBB Joined 6-10-2013 Loc:NH
Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #21 on: September 08, 2017, 08:39:30 PM »
And there it is. I knew YWBB would surface. Too bad. This what i remember. I am taking my ball and going home.

I have watched alot of this, and given a wide berth. I know that everyone comes from a different place of experience and try to understand where they are coming from. There have been plenty of times I have reacted extremely to things posted, but this time, the OP was asking why this board is quieter.  And this is why. No one sets out to deliberately offend anyone, at least, I don't perceive it that way.

Maybe I am just stupid. But the ideas floated here seemed to me to be genuine. Not an attack on anyone else, but an answer to the question in the perspective of the poster.  Not gospel, just an opinion.  (Oops, used the word gospel, does that make me a right wing christian looking for validation?)
If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.      ~ A. Einstein

Mrskro

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #22 on: September 08, 2017, 08:44:21 PM »
Quote
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Why is the forum open to all who have lost? The mods have determined that this forum shall be an area open to anyone that has loved and lost that love through death, no matter what legal status they held or how long the time was that they were together. That certainly is their call (and that of the owners of the site.) But, having such a broad range of experience waters down the shared experience of those that participate. A widow who was married for 10 years has a completely different experience than that of a girlfriend whose boyfriend passed after less than a year of committed dating.

I'm not a mod but really?  It's 2017 and even the legal definition of spouse has changed, at least here in Canada.   A widow married for a year has a completely different experience from a widower of 10 years has a different experience from a widow who has 3 kids and had been living common law with her spouse for 15 years before he passed but never married in a church has a different experience from a childless widower.    A piece of paper doesn't define a person or their experience. 

I don't feel that being a widow or a widower is a shared experience.   Everyone's path through this mixed up horrible journey is different.  Coloured by our own experiences leading up to it, coloured by the people within our lives and by our paths moving towards.    Some have in-laws that are great.  Some suck and are horrible.   Some lose friends and others have friends that stick by them.   Some have kids and some don't. Some would like to remarry and some don't.  Some find comfort in God and some like me, (I was raised very religious.  Still believe but) do not find any comfort in God. 

I know, for in my case life tends to get busy in the summer.    I've been lurking and not posting.   But this board and its predecessor have been a life line for me. 

Bunny

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #23 on: September 08, 2017, 08:46:42 PM »
I understand why toosoon wrote what she did. It is sad and frustrating to keep watching portside push people off this site by playing the role of morality police. It's just not necessary on a site like this and it's upsetting to see how completely tone-deaf he can be to people who are in serious need of some real help.

And I get that some conservatives and Christians may feel uncomfortable here, because this place is exceedingly all-inclusive. But that is the nature of joining a public place that does not claim one exclusive religion, country, political party, etc. We must ALL practice accepting that others do not live by our rules/morals/thoughts and we cannot expect them to. Live and let live, if you will.

This means a Jewish lesbian posts right next to a straight atheist widower, and a newly married Christian wid, next to a Muslim who was married 30 years, and a father of six next to a widow whose children are of the furry kind. To me, this is a very beautiful thing, but I do get that it's not everyone's cup of tea and can require some serious stepping out of one's comfort zone. I'd like to think if people stick around long enough they'll start to notice the similarities in our stories and stop fixating on the differences.

I know (because it's come up more than once) that some people are irritated this is not a site strictly for people who were legally married. But I have a hard time accepting the bride whose spouse died on their honeymoon is much more deserving of being here than the couple who lived together for 10 years without a legal contract. Many years ago I knew a man who watched his girlfriend of a mere six month die of an asthma attack- her first one- right in front of him. It messed him up for years. I bet he could have used a site like this. And why not have the compassion to let him? What does it take away from all of us to extend that kindness to a fellow human being?

There are others who are upset/angry at any talk of dating or re-marriage. They are absolutely pissed that we allow such things to be discussed on a widowed board. I admit I was repulsed and judgmental about these things my first year of widowhood. But I didn't tell those people in the social section how disgusting I thought they were, I kept it to myself because I knew It Was My Problem!!! And I eventually got over it. Completely.

We are a messy emotional group of folks thrown together with exactly one thing in common- what could possibly go wrong with that? Ha!


It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

sojourner

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #24 on: September 08, 2017, 09:53:25 PM »
[quote
We are a messy emotional group of folks thrown together with exactly one thing in common- what could possibly go wrong with that? Ha!
[/quote]

Dang it, Diet Coke burns when something like this ends up with it snorted up the nose combined with a spit-take! Stop it! Dang! Ha! :P

serpico

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #25 on: September 09, 2017, 12:34:51 AM »
And I get that some conservatives and Christians may feel uncomfortable here, because this place is exceedingly all-inclusive.

The reason why such persons don't feel comfortable isn't because this place is all-inclusive, it's because of things like this...

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I will not detail the many times a poster added a post with religious content and then being taken to task for it.

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At times, that feeling of Christian content not being valued was so pervasive here that some OPs would sometimes post a message in the title such as “Warning – Christian content” or some such.

Quote
It’s not overt – rather, it feels like a low key sneering towards those that are Christ centered.

Quote
As a Christian female with many conservative social views, I have seen my faith and/or views bashed on this forum.

Quote
I have seen people of various faiths discuss topics from their faith perspectives freely, but Christianity and/or those holding conservative views have been called out by name and at times damned.
'I think I got some of your pickle'

Adley

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #26 on: September 09, 2017, 03:13:01 AM »
I " like" every post on here. Not because  I necessarily agree, but because I see the viewpoints. I'm sorry I haven't commented when I've seen other injustices, particularly when people's grieving has been undermined by semantics, as in defining and judging widowhood and religion and morality in particular, but if I had to address every injustice or opinion I didn't agree with every day IRL I'd be beyond exhaustion. By the way OP, I'm sure you never meant to open this whole can of worms, there may have been more worms in it than we thought! Which, if you're fishing, is a good thing.
    I guess we're fishing for opinions and affirmation, mostly. It can be a tricky business. If I catch something I don't want, I throw it back, use it in the garden, or feed it to the cat.
   I'm not a big fan of labels, but if anyone wants to throw some on me, be my guest! Vent! It won't hurt my feelings a bit, because I genuinely want to be friends and see if we can all help one another. Here are a few ice breaking categories for anybody who has a need to label. And I recognize that as a legitimate need. I'm a little over half "white". I don't expect most to believe that based on my photo, but my calico cabbage patch kid family should attest to the truth. Thank you, Louisiana. I'm basically Jewish in my beliefs, which understandably ostracizes me from much of my rural southern protestant community. Judge me! I think the right/left paradigm is a joke, which leads me to somewhere around libertarianism, which further complicates conversation with friends in my community. Judge me! I like to pull a cork (courtesy of ramped up alcohol dehydrogenase enzyme, inherent in my particular branch of the human family tree) which may lead to me posting when I shouldn't and not posting when I should. But hell, I enjoy it (the alcohol). Again, judge if you wish.
    I found you all at two and a half years into widowhood. Life had thrown me down and put its foot on my neck. Not just widowed, but recently divorced (feel free to judge again). This WHOLE group helped me, even posts that hurt my feelings and/or hurt the feelings of others. I want to thank each and every one. We have a life changing event in common that very few physically around us have. Being humans with different experiences we naturally have different perspectives. I have seen a gem of something good in every post. Yes EVERY post. It's there, but you might have to dig for it. If we all start taking sides life is gonna suck that much more. Peace and harmony to all, and don't forget, if you don't like it, feed it to the cat!
   
Here's to my pretty young wife     sleepin amongst the stars           now they say what's hers is mine but I know what's ours is ours

rifatheroffour

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #27 on: September 09, 2017, 08:54:46 AM »
AMEN Adley!

I've been trying to determine how to respond to this thread. I am one of those nearly 5 years out now, I read often but rarely post anymore.  Life is hectic, messy and just too damn busy most days, my need to be cocooned from the world and focus on sharing my feelings or validating others has been overshadowed by my need to survive work and 4 children.  Like many I think about responses even type some out but others have said what I was thinking so I delete.  It is occurring to me that that may be part of the problem. Not enough voices echoing reasonable civil discourse can lead to those occasional posts that may appear insensitive or an overreaction to drown out the fact that we are all linked by one lousy event in life and we don't all have to agree on everything. We will have different approaches to life and what we think should work for others may not always be the case. I have been blessed with meeting some of the most wonderful people in my life now through this board and ywbb. I am far from perfectly aligned with all of them, religiously, politically or socially. But I can get along with them and accept them for who they are and what they have survived.

Those we love don't go away, they walk beside us everyday.
Unseen, unheard, but always near, still loved, still missed and very dear.

Trying

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #28 on: September 09, 2017, 12:14:35 PM »
We are all here because we share one thing in common.  We have lost the person we chose to love body and soul and share our lives with.  If you identify yourself as a widow/er than for the purposes of this group you are.  Legal rights are a different story that while they may complicate the grieving process they aren't the main focus here.  If there was a thread about the complications of unmarried widows I would not participate because I have no experience to share, that doesn't mean I would judge.

My religious, political and cultural backgrounds make up a big part of who I am.  This doesn't mean I am not open to people coming from a different viewpoint.  I sometimes learn something new, look at things differently or just scroll past if I don't agree. 

The tendency for some individuals to shout out "my way is right and yours is wrong!" gets frustrating and limits the openness of conversations.  When I share my experience or opinion it is just that, mine.  I do not pretend to know what is best for you so please don't pretend you know what is best for me.  Do not think you can speak for me because we are of the same gender, race, religion, sexual orientation or political leaning.  Do not make assumptions about me based on these labels and I promise to not make assumptions about you.

Speaking about the importance of acceptance while refusing to accept someone who disagrees with you is hypocritical. 

That's my 2 cents.  Let's get back to supporting each other.

You will forever be my always.

Jess

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #29 on: September 09, 2017, 02:32:12 PM »
As a reminder, any time someone is bothered by a post they can report it to us. Each report is discussed by the moderator team and acted on accordingly, whether it is privately speaking to someone about their post, issuing a warning, or letting the reporter know that we do not feel moderator action is warranted with an explanation of why we came to that conclusion.

We love this community and volunteer our time to support it the best we can. While at least one moderator is online every single day, this doesn't mean that we will always catch every time someone says something that could be out of line nor are we interested in being heavy handed and stopping disagreements that the community can resolve organically. That said, a disagreement and trolling behavior are two separate things, and the latter is what should be reported to us if you see it so we can determine how we think it should be handled.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014