Time Frame > Newly Widowed (1 day to 6 months)

New and young. Lost and broken

<< < (2/6) > >>

Only one around me that truly knows how I feel is my MIL. She lost my husband's dad when he was a teen. So she has a general idea of the shit storm I'm in the middle of. Only she's 8 hours away.

I've never lived alone, and I've never parented alone. I feel overwhelmed by everything most of the time. And the smallest shit sets me off to tears.

Mil is talking about moving in with me, she's been looking for jobs in my area, but she's not sure.

Part of me hates that I look around and everything reminds me of him. But most of me is proud of what we built and who we were together.

I miss the stuff that used to drive me crazy. Pop bottles left on the counter or nightstand, hair on the bathroom sink, socks on the floor by the couch, his code red mountain dew in the fridge... Because without them I know he is gone. That doesn't make sense to most people I guess.

We were happy. We had plans. We finally got things to a stable, Apple pie sorta life. And here I am, with nothing but memories and shattered dreams.

Mostly how do I raise 2 kids to remember daddy and know he was amazing, when my son won't remember him at all? How do they deserve to grow up without him?

Awe SD, sounds like you have much to be proud of in this devastating time.  And as for missing all that "stuff", yup I get that.  Looking back now I remember my first time in the grocery store.  Ugh.  Walked by the cheese popcorn and lost it.  Had to walk by all the cashes to get out of the store.  I was done shopping and didn't buy a thing.
It makes sense to us.

I remember in my early months (years?) how I hated for people to tell me I was strong.  The last thing I felt was strong.  I felt like I was hanging on by a thread and very rarely had the luxury of completely falling apart because I had my children to take care of, a house to run and bills to pay.  This is the one place you can admit how totally devastated you are, that you are scared, lost, angry, in a fog, feeling like you have lost your mind and had your soul ripped from you.  We understand and my heart breaks knowing what you are going through. You won't be able to imagine it now but I will tell you anyway, 4 years later I am surviving, my kids are surviving and we all experience real joy again despite the hole that will always be in our hearts. 

I'm scared to move on even the smallest bit. I don't want to forget us. Him.

Also I'm a bit emotional at the moment, our daughter noticed her tooth was loose the day it happened. She was so excited to tell daddy when he got home. She never got to tell him. And it fell out about a half hour ago. She seems pkay. But it broke my heart. This is the 2nd major milestone he has missed. And it hurts.

You don't need to move on at this point, you just need to hang on.  Those missed milestones are a heartbreak, none of this is fair.


[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page

Go to full version