Author Topic: big step  (Read 545 times)

Mizpah

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big step
« on: September 11, 2017, 01:37:22 PM »
Nothing final yet, but NG and I are buying a house (and land) together!  An amazing opportunity came our way and we're going to take it.  I moved 5 months after DH died - by necessity, because I couldn't afford our apartment on my own.  Then I moved hundreds of miles to be with NG (not so new anymore).  Both of them felt like things that happened to me.  (And in a way this does too - it just happened, and we took it.)  It feels huge to me.  In my life individually (I've never owned anything really), and for us together.  A project/mission/joint endeavor.  I'm excited.  And really scared.  Things happening to me have brought me suffering, and I'm afraid.  But this is GOOD thing happening to me.  I think trauma has conditioned me to fear change and things that didn't come about from my own control.  I'm trying to allow myself to be excited.  I really am.  I'm afraid to be.  But I am. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

BrokenHeart2

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Re: big step
« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2017, 01:53:49 PM »
Wow M congratulations!!! How exciting for you and your family! Kind of like new beginnings for all of you!  I get that fear of change for sure!! I know you're not going to let that stop you!! When do you get your new place?  I hope to be saying this soon too!!
Happy Hugs!
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

Mizpah

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Re: big step
« Reply #2 on: September 12, 2017, 11:47:39 AM »
Thanks!  Not sure yet as to timeline, as there are many moving pieces on all sides.  I'm hoping for a long, drawn-out process so I can adjust more gradually! 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Wheelerswife

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Re: big step
« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2017, 12:18:00 PM »
Good for you, Mizpah!

I certainly can relate to this:

"Things happening to me have brought me suffering, and I'm afraid.  But this is GOOD thing happening to me.  I think trauma has conditioned me to fear change and things that didn't come about from my own control."


I know that you have persevered through circumstances that did not fit your concept of how you wanted your life to be. You and I and a lot of others here have learned that we really don't have control of a lot of things in this life.  Kudos to you for being brave, tackling your fear, and living your life.  Control what we can, eh?

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

Bunny

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Re: big step
« Reply #4 on: September 12, 2017, 01:09:46 PM »
I'm so happy for you! And because I know you (are like me and) think about stuff way too much, I am wondering if this major joint purchase will be able to finally quiet down that voice in your head that is cranky he doesn't want to get married to you. I mean, you can't get much more committed than this...
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

Mizpah

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Re: big step
« Reply #5 on: September 12, 2017, 01:46:23 PM »
Overthinkers unite!  Hahahaha.  My initial reactions to things are almost always negative and strong.  It's a character flaw, perhaps, I don't know.  I frontload concerns and worries and drawbacks.  So one of my first reactions to this involved the marriage issue: what am I doing tying myself to someone who doesn't want to marry me?  So I said I wanted the mortgage and deed in my name only.  He said joint, and offered that he is going to write a will leaving his part to me and our DD.  (He'd refused previously, concerned about seeming to disinherit his son.)  As soon as he said that, my feelings about marriage changed - because my understanding of his commitment level changed.  You are right: him wanting to do this with me means something to me commitment-wise.  (On the flip side, he's really really excited about this.  But has said many times that if I'm not into it, we're not doing it.  The fact that he'd be willing to pass this up for me also means something.)  And I also got a harsh a lesson in self-awareness (or a prior lack).  As soon as I realized there would be legal protections for me and my daughter, I very suddenly started not caring so much about marriage.  I say that with embarrassment, given just how much it had previously seemed to mean to me.  I feel humbled for sure.  Maybe I'm not as much of a romantic as I'd thought I was. 
« Last Edit: September 12, 2017, 02:40:51 PM by Mizpah »
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Sugarbell

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Re: big step
« Reply #6 on: September 12, 2017, 04:34:28 PM »
Very Happy for you all!!!! Such exciting news!!!
B.W.H. 9/24/2007

arneal

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Re: big step
« Reply #7 on: September 17, 2017, 02:09:30 PM »
Mizpah: your post made me smile for many reasons. First, I am super happy for you, that your relationship has evidenced these deep levels of commitment. Second, your last post reminds me of a conversation I had with my mother not too long ago. I was talking about a dear friend and her beloved -- I said something like, 'I guess they are common law married since they've been together for about 25 years or so.' My mom -- who previously was mortified that I'd lived with both my husbands before marriage -- replied quickly and calmly: 'Nobody gets married anymore.' This, from a woman who has her own house and her beloved has his own house; when they are together, they are and when he irritates her or vice versa, they go to their own places. Time has mellowed her as she came to the understanding as you so aptly put it that commitment is what it is. A piece of paper does not make it. Standing up in front of other people, saying some words doesn't make it. Like we heard at service this morning: we have to live out our commitments and convictions.

Hope to get somewhere similar one day with my NG! {{{hugs}}}
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b