Author Topic: Considering the Worst of All Conclusions  (Read 1236 times)


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Re: Considering the Worst of All Conclusions
« Reply #15 on: September 13, 2017, 11:34:39 PM »

I understand where you are coming from with this issue. Many years ago my best friend stopped returning my calls. I tried so hard to reach her repeatedly. Eventually I sent her a card and note, told her I missed her and that whatever she was going through I would be there for her in her time. Eventually she did reach out to me, but it was over a year later.  Things seemed fine and we picked up where we left off for the most part. Then, in a quiet moment she confessed what she had been going through. She had become a raging alcoholic and pill popper which transpired due to self medicating severe back pain. She eventually was treated in an inpatient rehab program and was well into recovery when she contacted me.This, the girl who drank only a very rare wine cooler when we were in college. It was all unbelievable to me and I couldnt help but wish more than anything that she had reached out to me for help. But she didn't... and I  couldn't understand why. I took it all very personally.

Then, when D died she was there for me. She would call almost daily.  And often I found myself not answering her calls. It was just too much for me to bear and I felt like I needed alone grief time. It was nothing personal against her. I did that to everyone. But she would show up at my door anyway and just sit with me in silence. She would answer my phone for me. She would do my laundry. She would bring food. She would drive my daughter  places. She didn't require anything of me emotionally. I am so thankful to her.

I wish I would have done the same for her. I should have gone to her house and been there for her regardless, but I didn't know what to do, so I didn't  do anything. I am a nurse with a psychiatric background, and I dropped the ball for my friend.

I say to keep reaching out to your friend, and it sounds like you are. Send a note. Stop by.  Bring food. Do whatever you have to do to be there for them, even if it is low key and in the background.


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Re: Considering the Worst of All Conclusions
« Reply #16 on: September 13, 2017, 11:54:04 PM »
When NG is late coming home from work or - worse - from hiking, where he's out of cell service range, I fear the worst until I hear from him.  Sometimes it just flits through my mind, and I'm fine.  Other times, I'm fixated and terrified.  I'd love to stop this sickening kneejerk fear, but years ago on a Friday morning, DH and I left for work, excited for the weekend, and by noon he was in brain surgery, and the weekend was death.  I used to think of widowhood as stripping me of some kind of innocence I used to have - innocence of potential outcomes.  I can't seem to get back to that innocence.  Maybe soon.  Over time.  More time.

Yes, I assume the worst but not about everyone else so much as myself.  It is irrational.  My DH died in a car accident, and I have this sense of a foreshortened future.  Getting sick and not being able to care my child is my biggest fear.  And I worry about every pain or medical test.  It is not logical.  I can talk myself out of it most of the time, but it is great anxiety. 

My innocence is gone for sure.  And hearing about others sicknesses and losses can be anxiety provoking.  Can't always read on this board and stay clear of some threads.  Just how it is.


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Re: Considering the Worst of All Conclusions
« Reply #17 on: October 24, 2017, 05:46:25 PM »
Well, one of my dire prophesies was fulfilled after all. My friend with cancer did not want to be reached because he was, indeed, dying. His girlfriend, who lived with him for 13 years, called me last night. He died two weeks ago at home in hospice care. He would never have wanted me to see him that condition.

I spent the rest of the composing a Facebook post in his memory. Dozens of people responded overnight and through the day. None of them had any idea that he was ever ill - I was one of the very few people he shared that information with. I'm just amazed that he kept all of this a secret.

The other missing individual was my brother. He proved to be alive and well, thankfully, because both of my parents have been having major medical issues lately.

Part of me does regret not taking kjs's recommendation to bring food to his house. But, then again, I knew he did not want me to see him in that state. I bought a huge bag of cheese, crackers, hummus and sausage for his girlfriend tonight. I'll take it over there when she's ready for that.

|+|  M a r k  |+|


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Re: Considering the Worst of All Conclusions
« Reply #18 on: October 24, 2017, 06:07:01 PM »
I’m sorry for the loss of your friend, Mark. I hope you can join us at the upcoming bago on November 5th.

Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness


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Re: Considering the Worst of All Conclusions
« Reply #19 on: October 24, 2017, 06:24:37 PM »
Mark, I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. It sounds like keeping his privacy was paramount to him and he took measures to  protect it, so please don't second guess yourself. It's wonderful that you're planning a way to support his partner in her loss.