Author Topic: Crippling fear of losing new husband (4 years out)  (Read 368 times)

Silwe

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Crippling fear of losing new husband (4 years out)
« on: September 25, 2017, 09:08:11 AM »
My fiance died a bit over four years ago in an accident. I'm now happily married to NG, and everything is going good.

BUT. I have this huge, crippling, agonising fear that I'll lose him, too. It hits me so suddenly at times - e.g. if he doesn't answer the phone I might get a panic attack and assume that the worst has happened. It comes in different situations and it's so hard to cope with it.

Anyone with the same problem? I'm so tired of starting to irrationally hyperventilate if he's just forgot his phone on mute. I don't panic every time, either, just sometimes, but it's usually really bad when I do. How have you handled these kinds of feelings?
8th Oct 1992 - 27th July 2013 (accident)

How do you move on? You move on when your heart finally understands that there is no turning back. - J.R.R. Tolkien

Trying

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Re: Crippling fear of losing new husband (4 years out)
« Reply #1 on: September 25, 2017, 09:58:15 AM »
My DH died of a rare cancer and my middle son has a very rare untreatable liver disease so my fears tend to be around anything medical.  When I hear "there is only the smallest chance this could be something serious" I automatically go to "worst case scenario" because it has been my reality before.  I try to hide my anxiety from fiance and my kids but I have had some serious panic attacks in private.

I really don't know how we get over this and no therapist has been able to do anything except give me some coping strategies for when it happens.
You will forever be my always.

Mizpah

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Re: Crippling fear of losing new husband (4 years out)
« Reply #2 on: September 25, 2017, 03:05:55 PM »
How have you handled these kinds of feelings?

By texting NG repeatedly when he's late or doesn't respond, with, "Are you ok?"  "Are you ok?"  "Hey, can you call me?  Are you alright?"

Don't be like me.  I default to death scenarios, immediately, always.  It's no good.  Accident widow 6+ years out.  Hoping to get better in this regard one day.  A girl can dream.

widowed 2011 (DH 28)

tybec

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Re: Crippling fear of losing new husband (4 years out)
« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2017, 07:18:31 AM »
Yes, I understand.

My fears are about me, more often, though.  I just bargain a lot with God, which is silly.  "Please let me get my kid to adulthood."

My husband was a car accident death.  5 yrs., 9 months. But I constantly worry about my health, not an accident so much.
 But I like regular contact with NG.  I want to hear from him daily.  I just need it.

I treat trauma in children, PTSD, abuse.

I am not trained in EMDR.  But I have friends that are, and I am near a large Army post as my DH worked there.  They have a Soldier Center clinic, treating PTSD, private.  Good results from many soldiers.  My friend was trained recently.  I have talked to her about it, as I don't have PTSD, but still have times of panic. Haven't decided to sit on the other side of the couch, yet, but baby steps.

daysofelijah

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Re: Crippling fear of losing new husband (4 years out)
« Reply #4 on: September 26, 2017, 07:35:27 AM »
I feel weird that I'm the opposite. I fully expect NG to die of cancer or a motorcycle accident or some other catastrophic event in the next 10 years. It sounds really morbid, but for some reason I have that expectation.

And I'm okay with it. If we get 5 or 10 good years together it was worth it. And I will be okay again. And I will live the rest of my life alright without him. But I will be grateful for the time we had together.
Amy, mom to four (14,13,9,5)

Portside

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Re: Crippling fear of losing new husband (4 years out)
« Reply #5 on: September 26, 2017, 07:58:43 AM »
I feel weird that I'm the opposite. I fully expect NG to die of cancer or a motorcycle accident or some other catastrophic event in the next 10 years. It sounds really morbid, but for some reason I have that expectation.

And I'm okay with it. If we get 5 or 10 good years together it was worth it. And I will be okay again. And I will live the rest of my life alright without him. But I will be grateful for the time we had together.

You and me both Sister. I've taken a fatalist view of everyone's possible life span - it's been this way since I was in my early 20's. No doubt due to my time in the military 'cause you just never knew. Because of this, I've tried to put joy into each day. Not always successful but usually I am. I'm comfortable with the fact that all successful marriages end in someone's death, I mean, that simply is just the way it is. And for my wife and I, whatever follows this life will be infinitely better anyway so, there's that.   

I find it strangely comforting. I know, I'm weird too.

Best wishes - Mike
The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

fairlanegirl

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Re: Crippling fear of losing new husband (4 years out)
« Reply #6 on: September 27, 2017, 03:58:05 PM »
And for my wife and I, whatever follows this life will be infinitely better anyway so, there's that.   

In a way, as an agnostic - only not an atheist because I don't see how you can prove God doesn't exist -  I envy you that a little, quite genuinely. I'm coming round to a belief in some sort of afterlife but still the thought of going there, or to be honest, being left behind if my bloke does, even with the possibility of seeing my beloved husband again, is scant comfort.

I don't panic, but I find if my fellow is a bit late coming round, thoughts do start to filter into my mind, and I have to push them down. My husband was also killed in an accident.

trying2breathe

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Re: Crippling fear of losing new husband (4 years out)
« Reply #7 on: September 28, 2017, 12:55:47 PM »
I can relate, NG occasionally doesn't check in and it drives me nuts.  My DH died suddenly of a heart attack while riding his bicycle, NG cycles and it's a constant worry thinking about what could happen to him.  There are times when irrational fear takes over and I'm a sobbing mess.  I've talked with him and he's a bit better about staying in touch, the fear is always there for me though.  I'm considering EMDR, it's been difficult to deepen the relationship with NG due to a crippling fear that I'll lose him too.
Have I told you lately how much I love you?