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Stress with his ex pushing me over the edge

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Trying:
*Long rant*

We are days away from our wedding and she is ramping up her craziness and refusal to coparent.  I'm sure our wedding is agrivating the situation.  Monday he went to court because she has been refusing him access to the boys during the week (except when she doesn't want to take them to soccer practice).  It was a waste of time, the social worker took their information and said come back in a month and nothing was done to make her return to the previous schedule (they have never folllwed the initial vague custody agreement when the boys were toddlers).

Last night she refused to cooperate on the boys soccer.  He offered to drive the first one and stay at practice, have her come to the field to swap them, he would then stay for the second one and drive him back to her house.  Very little effort on her part, 3 hours on his.  This wasn't good enough.  Tuesday night should be our overnight and she wouldn't even have to be involved but it's more complicated because she won't let them stay with us. She then has the 8 year old call him and say "Daddy why won't you take me to practice?" while she is coaching him what to say in the background.  He tries to explain that it was his mom's decision without saying anything negative about her.  He then texts her how dare she do that to their son, that she is evil, and she replies that she is letting her son read the text.

FiancĂ© was beside himself last night, he does not want his kids used as weapons, he does not want her telling them he doesn't want to be with them, he doesn't know how to explain to a 6 and 8 year old that he is fighting for more time and their bitch of a mother is preventing it.  He is not going to tell these little boys negative and hurtful things about their mom.  He is worried she is going to involve the kids in the custody hearing and make them be interviewed and traumatize them.  They should be no part of it.  The only thing negative she said about him at the hearing is "he's an alcoholic". This is her go to comment. She also used to say he was gay but I guess that doesn't hold anymore because of me.  He has never had a DUI, never had any legal issue related to alcohol, doesn't sit in bars, never been drunk in front of his kids, and is not an alcoholic. 

Last night I broke my rule about staying out of it and with his permission sent her a very long, very civil email, from mother to mother.   I spoke about the father he is, the step Dad he has become to my youngest and how lucky her children are to have a father who is ALIVE, involved, loving and who not only provides financially for them but wants to provide all of the guidance and support a Dad can give.  I also let her know that as a mother I can not imagine using my kids as a weapon and that while she thinks now she will brainwash them against their Dad she is only hurting them and they will grow to resent her for her lies and for keeping them from having more time with an amazing Dad.

I don't expect this to help, it may make things worse but I felt like if I didn't get my thoughts out calmly in an email I was eventually going to explode on the side of the soccer field and not be so civil about it.

We are both so worried she is going to pull something and keep them from coming to our wedding this weekend even though it was promised in court she wouldn't interfere. We even planned our wedding for "his weekend" but I don't trust her. 

All of this stress on top of wedding stress has had me having panic attacks again.  I would give anything for my kids to have their Dad still in their lives so this mean, spiteful behavior really triggers me.

Mizpah:
It's too late, but my only advice, as someone who is in a relationship with someone who has a kid with a very malicious, manipulative ex who does the same to their child: don't get involved.  I made the mistake of doing this once, years ago, in response to something she said - and she completely flipped out.  It made things much worse, and what I said was FAR more mild than what you said.  It is entirely possible that she will attempt to use anything you said against you and NG.  NG's ex over here flipped out so crazily that it's the last time I've spoken to or acknowledged her, and she's not permitted in our home, or even really to linger in any way on the property during pickup and dropoff - she used to come in for pickup and dropoff and chat a tad.  I've actually threatened to involve law enforcement (and will if I need to), that's how bad she is.  So, if she's anything like my NG's ex, brace yourself.  It can get much, much worse - believe me.  (The day we came home from the hospital with our baby, NG's ex showed up, screaming about various things....  And that's not even close to the worst of it.)  When someone is crazy or into drama and manipulation, any involvement or contribution is only fuel to their fire, that's what I've learned.  Removing myself from the situation as much as possible has contained things far more than involvement would have.  There are of course little flare-ups for me, when NG and she have issues, and it's nothing I'd ever choose into my life, but like I said, it's far less than it would be if I were directly engaged with her.  Try not to let her put a shadow over your weekend.  That's probably exactly what she wants.  Focus on the love you share, the values and principles you embrace, the children - reject her and all she stands for from your mind as much as you can.  She won't always be in your life like this.  Don't give her too much emotional power.  She's truly not worth it.  She's to be withstood only - try not to get entangled and give her attention.  Good luck.  I hope she doesn't respond or that her response isn't nuts and upsetting.  And I'm excited for you for your wedding! 

sojourner:
Trying, I'm so sorry for this whole situation! Hopes and prayers for peace to prevail, but given the track she seems to be on, probably best to add/substitute ones for strength and endurance for all (well, except her!). :-\

I agree with you and Mizpah that your upcoming wedding is involved with her ramping up the crazy. Hang in there. Maybe try to focus your energy on the joy of your love and upcoming marriage, if you can. Don't surrender your joy to anyone!

Trying:
Mizpah and sojourner thank you both. This is the first and only time I have engaged with her and I do realize it was probably a big mistake.  He was so upset last night and the frustration of nothing happening yet with the custody issue just came to a boil.  It is interfering with our wedding, it's taking up all of his time and attention and leaving me to fend for myself on all of the last minute details without having him to even talk to about it.  It's hard to be excited right now and I know she is getting exactly what she wants.

I am going to try my best to focus on our love and our future and the joy of the wedding.  I hope he is able to do the same.

Mizpah:

--- Quote from: Trying on September 27, 2017, 09:09:09 AM ---It is interfering with our wedding, it's taking up all of his time and attention and leaving me to fend for myself on all of the last minute details without having him to even talk to about it. 
--- End quote ---

Maybe it's time for you two to have a little family meeting (just the two of you), and huddle for a few minutes, look at what's going on, recognize what he needs to do legally this week, recognize what still remains to be done for the wedding, envision a worst case scenario, decide how to handle it if it comes to be, accept that it could come to be, remind yourselves that it's all going to be ok even if she never is, and come up with a plan for the rest of the week (realizing plans can get messed up, but preparing as much as you can for it as you wish it to be, and according to what could happen), so this is not ruined for you.  Demand some control, from yourself, from you two as a couple, to the extent possible - realize to what extent you can determine things, and take control of those parts.  I say call a couple's huddle.  Take just a few minutes to re-focus.  And now I'll stop advising and sermonizing!  Hugs and love

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