Socializing > Relationships/Remarriage

Stress with his ex pushing me over the edge

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Forgottenwife:
First let me say - congratulations! Enjoy your wedding and your new marriage. I'm happy you get another chance at love. And then Ugh - so sorry this is happening!

I lived through this as a child and it was awful. It was horrible to live with a mom that was angry at my dad all the time. There was always fighting and conflict. Sadly, I didn't get to see my dad get remarried to his now wife of more than 30 years, there was just constant drama. My father, to this day, is an amazing dad.

On the personal side in your particular situation, I feel bad for all of you. What a bunch of crap to try and deal with another adult that pulls this kind of sick stuff on her own children. Their mom sounds awful and manipulative and truly mean, I just don't understand how anyone could consciously harm their kids like this. You are correct, she is hurting her children. Unfortunately for you, you can't control her, people like this won't see reason. I understand that it is triggering and causes stress. Are there things you can do for yourself to help minimize the stress and the panic attacks? This sounds simplistic, but recognizing she is crazy and may always be horrible might be all you can do. That may never change, I've watched this dynamic for 40 years.

I like Mizpah's idea of imagine the worst case scenario for the wedding and legal issues to come and then be ready to handle just that, but still hope for the best. You've got this, you can do it. Your wedding is going to be beautiful and wonderful and there are just some things we simply have no control over.

And then - I love weddings! There was a brief time after being widowed that I just couldn't bring myself to go but now I truly enjoy going and celebrating love and marriage. It is literally like a breath of fresh air in my life. I enjoy seeing how each couple/family makes the ceremony and celebration unique. Vows, music, kids involved, toasts or not - love is in the air! Try to relax and enjoy, just so happy for you. Your new husband to be sounds like a great catch.

MR:
Congrats....

fairlanegirl:
Thankfully I have not had to deal with this but it sounds like you sending an email could not really make it any worse! It may be their business but you are having to put up with all this nonsense, so I think you're entitled to say your piece.  You seem to have been very reasonable.

Again, it always makes me wonder, these folks can't have always been 'crazy' can they, or were big red flags ignored early on before they had children? Humans and the dynamics of relationships are complex, eh.

Bunny:
Ah, weddings can sure bring it out in people, can't it? I totally understand your need to write and send that letter. You needed to have your say to at least try to relieve some of that pent up frustration. I would have done it too most likely.

But truly, for your future marriage, you're going to need to figure out some coping methods because there truly is no current end to this. My husband 's best friend has an ex-wife like this. His daughter finally just turned 18. I don't know about the court system where you are but they arranged to sit with a mediator every time she had a problem and lucky for him they had good bullshit detectors. Unfortunately, vindictive exes can also be super expensive. This is your life right now. This is the way it is. Fighting against crazy will only result in making you crazy because she is incapable of being reasoned with. I recommend trying to find pity in your heart for her only because I don't want you eaten up with the anger and despair. If need be, please seek a councelor for some healthy and effective coping methods. As for the kids- children usually figure things out on their own through observation. And the older they get, the more autonomy they have. Really, it's just a waiting game. I'm sure it feels like forever but it's not.

Please don't let her ruin your day even if the worst happens. Because you and I have already been through worse than anything she can dish out, right? A shitty ex is child's play compared to burying a spouse. Please don't give her the power to steal your joy. I honestly don't know how to accomplish this but please try.

In a bizarre small world after all twist of fate, the best friend's ex is now dating one of bf's close friends. We saw them out and shared a drink and she is pretty much the same. No emotional or spiritual growth whatsoever from the last time I saw her over a decade ago.

klim:
No advice but just going to say I probably  would have written a similar email......I always think there is a chance that reason and logic based on loving and caring may prevail........

Although according to some people with experience here maybe I'm delusional.

Breathe deep , feel the new love and life that is awaiting you and enjoy your wedding day. No matter how it turns out it's still  signals the  new beginning of your life together.

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