Author Topic: Stress with his ex pushing me over the edge  (Read 1615 times)

Mizpah

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Re: Stress with his ex pushing me over the edge
« Reply #15 on: September 28, 2017, 08:18:10 AM »
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry.  Hoping and hoping and hoping with all fingers crossed that everything goes well.  Thinking of you.  Keep us updated.  xoxoxoxoxoxo
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

tybec

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Re: Stress with his ex pushing me over the edge
« Reply #16 on: September 28, 2017, 08:34:52 AM »
I am following!  YOU ARE AMAZING!  Remember that!  Like others said, you have been through worse.  YOU can get through this.

I used to do this mandatory divorcing parents workshop.  I shared the information, and I worked with kids in therapy.  But, like our situation, I didn't get it.  I heard stories, but....   And now I am dating a divorced guy trying to get shared parenting with a controlling, intelligent educator in her hometown, her birth place, her territory.

I, too, see the crazy behaviors that are not about the best interest of the children.  Just this week, NG went to watch one son practice swimming, but he had talked with the younger son the night before about going to play on the playground outside some while brother practiced.  Mother heard this, of course, and despite the son smiling and saying he couldn't wait, she didn't bring this son to the practice, then.  Never told his father where he was, but he wasn't with his father for an hour of fun time.  YEAH, a teacher turned administrator who claims she is an expert in children pulling this stuff.

So, I hear your story and it is on a whole new level.  I remember saying in the workshop that every major change will likely bring out some bad behaviors, and marrying again is a BIG ONE.  Now  I get it.  I think NG's ex is responding to me moving here a bit, too.

I am praying, sending warm vibes for a beautiful day to signify your new life and commitment to each other. 

YOU are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.

Forgottenwife

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Re: Stress with his ex pushing me over the edge
« Reply #17 on: September 28, 2017, 12:42:46 PM »
He told me tonight that if she manages to block him getting them tomorrow so we can head out of town for the weddding, the wedding is off.  She promised in court she wouldn't interfere but there is nothing in writing.  She currently is not answering texts, emails or phone calls and if she won't send them to school with a note tomorrow that he is picking them up then I don't know what will happen.  While I understand that he doesn't want to have the wedding without them I'm not sure how I will handle that.  For now I just said "of course we have to have them at the wedding" and I'm giving him space to be angry with her.

Oh, this is awful. I don't even really know what to say - sending positive thoughts that all goes well and you have the kids safely with you soon. I honestly don't know how I would handle this either. 

trying2breathe

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Re: Stress with his ex pushing me over the edge
« Reply #18 on: September 28, 2017, 01:00:47 PM »
Hope for the best and prepare for whatever might happen ...... sending good wishes and big hugs, best to you on your wedding day. 
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

Captains wife

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Re: Stress with his ex pushing me over the edge
« Reply #19 on: September 28, 2017, 01:08:23 PM »
Wow - just wow. Reading this just infuriates me for you and NG's sake + the children that are being hurt by this. The lead up to your wedding (especially given everything you and your family has been through) should be joyous. I hope your lovely wedding goes ahead as planned!!! 

Agreed he needs to figure out from a legal perspective what he can do and talk to you more calmly about it. Why isn't there a court driven custody agreement in place, then she couldn't do this ? I have had similar (but less severe) issues with my NG's crazy ex and they just finalized a court visitation schedule which they must stick to. Now all that withholding their son (which she was doing before) is not possible under the law. 

I also hope that NG does the right thing here - you don't need this and you should be more isolated from all the drama. This is his baggage, not yours and he needs to deal with it appropriately and keep you (and your kids) sheltered from it. I would agree to keep away from her and keep out of it. (I wont go anywhere near my NG's crazy ex - and in fact, I asked him not even to talk about her unless it was very important. I don't need this toxicity and drama in my life - and neither do you).

Again, I'm so so sorry about all of this - it is miraculous that we find another person to love after losing our spouses and this should not be happening!

I talked to my grief therapist about the issues I was having (crazy ex using child, upsetting the father and the interference in our relationship) and her advice was to "block it out" (easier said than done I know) and try and focus on the positives. And to distance myself from it.
« Last Edit: September 28, 2017, 01:16:28 PM by Captains wife »

arneal

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Re: Stress with his ex pushing me over the edge
« Reply #20 on: September 28, 2017, 02:27:46 PM »
Trying -- congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!

As far as the ex is concerned, you have certainly taken the higher road. But as others have suggested, you and your husband to be cannot dictate how anyone else will act or react. She is feeling some type of way about him moving on; I suspect she is without a partner? I only jumped there because of what I dealt with in my early (and even later) years with my LH's ex. They had been separated from the time their daughter was about 3 or 4; I met him when she was about 13 or 14. The ex started lots of the same shenanigans about when daughter could come over, didn't want her around me, etc etc. He put the squash on that, reminding her that
1) he didn't meddle in who she was dating unless it directly affected his daughter (mind you, while they were still considered married, before the separation, she got pregnant and had a baby by another man. While in hospital they had to call LH to ask if the baby could have his last name since she was legally married, the father of the child was nowhere to be found -- and never paid a lick of support and she never went after him -- and because she was still legally married the baby couldn't have her maiden name) and
2) who he was with was none of her concern.
She would take him to court about support, even after we were married and he had been retired due to his medical condition. She actually stood up in court one day to say she didn't believe he was that sick. The arbitrator told her off. Mind you, I had taken the stance you did: try to be civil. With LH's permission, I communicated with the child support representative; she would call or write to me instead of him because I was a step removed from the situation and she had discovered how dysfunctional the ex was. I didn't invite conversation with the ex but I never kept her from coming to the house -- I wanted her to see me and to know that I was Mom and Wife in my house, even when her daughter was there. After I bought a house and we moved, she ramped up again. However, the house was solely my property and we were not married yet, so she had nothing to say. When their divorce was finalized, I had a ring on my finger in about a week (we had been together for about four years by then). She flipped out. She finally realized that nothing she did -- and trust me when I say she tried everything, from the going to court to actually trying to flirt with him -- was going to change what we had or the lack that she had. She used to say all sorts of negative things about him to their daughter, who at about 32 years old now is still scarred. After LH died, the ex would get on the phone when the daughter called me to tell me she was there for me if I ever wanted to talk and that she loved me  :o

Moral of the story is, stand your ground. As some have said here, sit down and create a plan with your beloved so you both are on the same page to deal with what she's doing now and what she will do. Chances are he won't be able to stop her from saying horrid things to the children about the both of you. When he does get time with them, he will need to spend it, telling them how much you both love them and SHOWING them that what they are hearing from Mom is complete hogwash. Actions speak louder, even for little people. It takes time but most kids want to understand for themselves. My NG's oldest daughter is estranged from him because he was never given the chance to speak that love into her life. However, his youngest stepped out from the madness their mom created and wanted to know him for herself and they share a place now. She tells her older sister, when she sees her, what is really going on. His youngest has told him that her sister is f*'ed up in the head and doesn't want to hear the truth; even she has started staying away from her. Unfortunately that happens as well and you need to be ready for it. Together, you and your beloved can build a life that all your children will want to be part of.

Have a beautiful wedding, which of course won't be the same if his children can't come. If that happens, film it. Show them when they do come round. Be the lovely person you are. Keep being that with and in front of all the children. Love your husband. It may be tough for many years or it may peter out like a storm. No matter which, weather it. Together.

{{{hugs}}}
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Trying

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Re: Stress with his ex pushing me over the edge
« Reply #21 on: September 28, 2017, 05:54:44 PM »
We have his boys!  We leave for the wedding first thing tomorrow morning.  Thank you all so much for your support and listening to me freak out.
You will forever be my always.

klim

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Re: Stress with his ex pushing me over the edge
« Reply #22 on: September 28, 2017, 06:15:15 PM »
sweet!.....SIGH!NOW ENJOY!!

arneal

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Re: Stress with his ex pushing me over the edge
« Reply #23 on: September 28, 2017, 07:08:37 PM »
Yay! So happy for you all!!!!!!!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

sojourner

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Re: Stress with his ex pushing me over the edge
« Reply #24 on: September 28, 2017, 07:16:00 PM »
Whoo hooo!!  ;D  Wonderful! Congratulations and enjoy your wedding!!!

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Stress with his ex pushing me over the edge
« Reply #25 on: September 28, 2017, 07:59:01 PM »
Wonderful news!! Congratulations and I hope you have a lovely wedding!!
Hugs
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

Wheelerswife

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Re: Stress with his ex pushing me over the edge
« Reply #26 on: September 28, 2017, 08:43:34 PM »
Wonderful!!!

I have been thinking about you! 

Have a wonderful time!

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

Mizpah

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Re: Stress with his ex pushing me over the edge
« Reply #27 on: September 29, 2017, 08:19:29 AM »
Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Congratulations!!!!!!! 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

CJF

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Re: Stress with his ex pushing me over the edge
« Reply #28 on: September 29, 2017, 09:30:22 AM »
Congratulations!!!  So happy for you!!!

trying2breathe

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Re: Stress with his ex pushing me over the edge
« Reply #29 on: September 29, 2017, 02:10:38 PM »
Yay!!!  So very happy, best wishes to you both!
Have I told you lately how much I love you?