Author Topic: I know I'm going to be judged for this  (Read 1022 times)

Kaycee

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I know I'm going to be judged for this
« on: September 30, 2017, 02:31:26 AM »
Well to begin with I already know I made a horrible mistake. I was approached by my husband's best friend after my husband died and he has a girlfriend. It started out with him telling me that he would always be there for me. Everyone in my life pretty much abandoned me. He even told me that his girlfriend didn't want him helping me with anything, She had told me before all of this happened that there was nothing going on between them and that she just lived with him because she didn't have the money to rent another place and he told me the same thing. as time went on we got closer. He told me that he was in love with me and that he wanted us to have a future. And like an idiot I believed him. Things got more stressful as time went on, I saw where she put up a post about them being together for the next 50 years. So I ask him if there was nothing going on then why was she saying that. He told me she just put on a show in front of people. So I told him that he should tell her if he didn't feel the same. We got in a argument and I told him it wasn't fair to either of us and she needed to know the truth. So he argued with me and I told him I had enough and if he didn't tell her the truth I would. So he told her and then told me that we had nothing else to say to each other. He made me feel like he was the only person in the world that cared for me. He told me he would never leave me like everyone else did and then turned around and did that very thing. I know that it was wrong. I know that she must feel awful if he was telling her the same thing. I hate myself for it. I don't understand how you can tell someone that you love them and then just turn your back. I don't know exactly what he said to her. He wouldn't tell me all of it. I just know that I feel hurt and used. I feel like that he took advantage of me when he knew I was hurting and alone. I honestly don't want to live anymore.

faye

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Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
« Reply #1 on: September 30, 2017, 07:07:08 AM »
Humans are complicated beings.
 We don't always do the right things.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, and so sorry you're hurt. 

Mrskro

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Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
« Reply #2 on: September 30, 2017, 07:43:13 AM »
Quote
I just know that I feel hurt and used. I feel like that he took advantage of me when he knew I was hurting and alone.

I am so sorry you are going through this. 

In my opinion he did take advantage of you, so many people leave us during our grieving and I can completely understand why you would stay close to him.

Julester3

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Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2017, 08:34:16 AM »
I too think he took advantage of you. You are already emotionally vulnerable after grief and we yearn for that loving wanted feeling at least I know I do. You did a good thing for yourself by confronting him. A relationship with no clear honesty is not a good base. Hugs for the day.

Bunny

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Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2017, 11:04:00 AM »
Happiness after such intense grief is a most powerful and addicting drug and can cause one to make less than rational decisions. Please cut yourself some slack and forgive yourself for whatever it is you're feeling guilty about. I'm so sorry you were betrayed like this. Obviously I dont have all the facts but it seems to me like they have always been together and are still together.
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

Kaycee

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Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
« Reply #5 on: September 30, 2017, 09:36:23 PM »
Thank you all for the kind words. He called me earlier with her listening and told me that he was in love with me up until I asked him to tell her the truth. He said he told her that he told me he didn't love her and so on. Then he asked her what she wanted to do an she wanted to stay with him. So he said that he was going to work it out with her because I had pushed him too far with an ultimatum. So there was no love there in the first place. I know that now. It just hurts so much to be used. I helped him financially a few times when he needed help. I was always there for him no matter what. I really believed in my heart that he loved me.

faye

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Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
« Reply #6 on: October 01, 2017, 07:27:47 AM »
*eye roll* 

Those two deserve one another.

You deserve much better.

Onward and upward.

Lisa

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Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
« Reply #7 on: October 01, 2017, 02:08:03 PM »
i am so sorry for your pain. his behavior is abhorrent. dont blame yourself. its ok to be sad and mad, dont let him beat you. if you are very emotionally distressed, please consider counseling.
"All the waves must reach the shore before the water calms"-Ray ♡

ladybug

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Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
« Reply #8 on: October 01, 2017, 09:04:57 PM »
I agree, those two deserve each other.    So very sorry you are hurting.   Things will get better....you deserve so much better.   

Sending you good thoughts for the week ahead.

StillWidowed

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Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
« Reply #9 on: October 02, 2017, 10:41:04 AM »
Kaycee,

I am SO sorry this happened to you.  You did nothing wrong.  You were heartbroken and grieving and looking for someone to ease that pain.  I had someone do something similar when I was only six months out.  It was just awful.  And just compounded my grief.  I agree with the others that those two deserve each other. 

All these years later, the man that took advantage of me and used me at the worst time of my life, his life is now going up in flames.  Both his business and personal reputation is trashed.  I had a colleague tell me last week, as she whispered in my ear, that he is a complete joke in our field of work.  No one respects him.  And the crazy thing is that I literally have a front row seat to it all.  It's one thing to say karma is a bitch, but it's another to actually see it taking place.

Hold tight.  Come here to cry and vent.

(((Hugs)))

Mizpah

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Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
« Reply #10 on: October 02, 2017, 11:56:46 AM »
DH's boss was walking the line with me and tempting me to cross it (he had a gf) right after DH died.  I was extremely vulnerable, extremely emotional, and desperate for comfort and connection.  I somehow prevented myself from engaging, but I can see how it easily could've gone the other way.  Even without taking part, just the possibility and his attempt was very destabilizing for me back then, so I can only imagine how uncentered and adrift you must be feeling.  I know it's painful, but being free from this situation and this individual (I cannot believe the insanity of that three-way phone call), I believe that later, once you are ok, you're going to realize how lucky you are not to be still with this person.  I hope that you can re-center soon.  Have you been seeing anyone (therapist)?  Time doesn't "heal all wounds," but it sure as h*ll helps.  I hope you can refocus on yourself and build strength from the inside out.  I'm thinking of you.  Seriously, F this guy, I'm so glad this episode is in your rearview mirror.  Lick your wounds.  This guy is not the answer to your pain.  I'm so sorry.  How terrible. 
« Last Edit: October 02, 2017, 11:58:42 AM by Mizpah »
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

faye

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Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
« Reply #11 on: October 02, 2017, 08:06:02 PM »
Time doesn't "heal all wounds,"

Is it a bad thing to hope that time wounds all heels?

Kaycee

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Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
« Reply #12 on: October 03, 2017, 04:26:50 PM »
I wish I could just be happy again. I feel angry one minute and sad the next. Sometimes I really wish he would just call and  say he was sorry and tell me why he did this to me. Then again at times I don't want to speak to him ever again. I just wish I had more answers.  :'(

Bunny

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Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
« Reply #13 on: October 03, 2017, 07:05:00 PM »
Sadly, I think the answer is you were the victim of a very predatory male. He wanted to sleep with his best friend's wife- and it sounds like he got some financial benefit out of it also. That he would blame 'falling out of love' with you on the fact that you required complete honesty for all parties involved is just really rich.  I wish I could kick that f*cker in the...shins...real hard.
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

Kaycee

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Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
« Reply #14 on: October 03, 2017, 10:16:13 PM »
I feel horrible that it even happened.  I should have known better. I do feel bad or the other woman involved. I feel horrible that this went on without me telling her. She didn't deserve to be lied to and I  take responsibility for that.  I just hope she wakes up one day and realizes what a piece of crap he is. I hope everything around him crumbles and he feels the same type of pain I have felt.