Author Topic: I know I'm going to be judged for this  (Read 982 times)

Mizpah

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Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
« Reply #15 on: October 04, 2017, 10:07:48 AM »
I wish I could just be happy again. I feel angry one minute and sad the next. Sometimes I really wish he would just call and  say he was sorry and tell me why he did this to me. Then again at times I don't want to speak to him ever again. I just wish I had more answers.  :'(

I hate to be all "let's look at the bright side of this," because I hate the positivity cult, but honestly, the good news is that what you're saying is stuff "normal" non-widowed people say when going through breakups.  You liked him, he hurt you - you have feelings!  And to the extent "rebound" is a thing, you got that out of the way?  Breakups are painful because they involve detoxing from someone who gave you the things we all crave.  And this one especially because he helped you find comfort and refuge from your grief.  It's going to take time, and suffering, to get over him and having someone.  We're all here.  I'm cheering you on. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Kaycee

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Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
« Reply #16 on: October 04, 2017, 05:02:36 PM »
I know that he wasn't that great of a person now. We started having problems when he started telling lies and never wanting to be around unless I was doing something for him. I started feeling worthless and hurt. I know that I'm better off and that I dodged a bullet but I can't help missing him. He said he wouldbhave stayed if I hadn't fought with him so much but I couldn't ignore what I was seeing. I know I need time to heal. I just don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm 34 with two kids. I just hope that one day I will meet someone who will love us and not hurt us. I loved my husband with all my heart and there will never be anyone like him. He was a great stepdad and husband. I loved him so much and he loved us. I feel like I betrayed him by letting this happen. I just wanted to feel something besides pain for awhile. My life has never been easy. I just wish I could catch a break.

Love2fish

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Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
« Reply #17 on: October 04, 2017, 05:17:08 PM »
Keep the faith Kaycee.  I can tell from your last post that you have this problem under control.  This is a great place to vent. 

I get the "can't help missing him" thing.  Be kind to yourself.  We don't always fall in love with the right people or even good people.  I'm glad you dodged that bullet and that you will try again.

arneal

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    • The Starving Activist
Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
« Reply #18 on: October 05, 2017, 02:17:11 PM »
Kaycee -- you are certainly not alone. I say, if we all put our life stories together and then put our post-loss stories together, we'd be rich at the top of the sad Country songs charts. Many of us have been widowed more than once (raises hand), been in abusive situations (the first marriage, raises hand), been taken advantage of in times of vulnerability (first stab at online dating, raises hand).

Let that sadness and anger turn to productivity for you and your children. I used it to clean my garage, rearrange my family room, and change other decor around this place to make it mine. Let your kids see the strong person that you are. Start doing things that make you happy -- pick up a new hobby or reignite an old one. You'll be surprised at how fulfilling that can be. No, it won't fill the emptiness but it will strengthen you and when it's time, you'll get back out there and find someone to add to your and your childrens' lives, on your terms. {{{hugs}}} and don't hesitate, like StillWidowed said, vent here as much as you need. We're here for you.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Kaycee

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Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
« Reply #19 on: October 05, 2017, 11:11:48 PM »
Thank you all. I'm trying my best to stay strong. I actually talked to my son's counselor today by myself when we went for his visit. She gave me some good advice on what I need to work toward. I have been so overwhelmed with school, work, the kids, losing my husband, and this horrible relationship that I haven't really been able to deal with my grief. I guess it's time to slow down and figure out how to make the best life possible for the kids and myself. I know in my heart that I deserve better than the relationship I was just in. It's just very hard losing the comfort of talking to someone everyday and feeling like you have a chance at being happy with someone again. It's even harder knowing that he was someone (at least in the beginning) that I could talk to that really knew my husband.

arneal

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    • The Starving Activist
Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
« Reply #20 on: October 06, 2017, 09:40:49 AM »
It all takes time, Kaycee. We all have different paces. Due to the circumstances, some of us here are still not ready to let anyone else into our hearts, while others of us embraced that possibility early. Some found that special person while others have not. Some have been hurt, as you have; we are here to support each other, no matter the pace. Remember, your children need you strong. Do what you need to care for yourself and them. While a certain level of vulnerability is sometimes seen as attractive between two people, it can also invite the worst type of people into our lives if we aren't careful with how and why we are vulnerable.

I was 30 when the first husband died. My neighbor's son broke into my house not too many months after; while I was dealing with getting my landlord and the police in order, this neighbor came over to ask if I was okay. I was rattled but angry and said so. He left. A while later, he asked if he could mow my backyard, this scruffy little pass of grass that took me about a half-hour with an electric weed whacker. I said sure. I didn't think any more of it until I noticed a couple months later he had stopped. I went back to tending it myself. One day while walking to the pizza shop, I passed another of my neighbors who told me in no uncertain terms that the man had only done it in hopes of being invited in  :o I was shocked -- the man was married and our houses were so close across the walkway that if his wife stuck her arm out the kitchen window, she and I could hold hands. I was furious.

In that case, I wasn't showing any vulnerability at all. I didn't even really talk to those folks for them to know anything about my life. He still tried to get near me. Just ew!

I share that to say that we have to be careful with our hearts, especially at times like this and for the sake of our children. Know that we are here for you and feel free to ask all the questions you need. Vent as you like. That's what this space is for.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

faye

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Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
« Reply #21 on: October 08, 2017, 11:37:54 AM »
I feel horrible that it even happened.  I should have known better. I do feel bad or the other woman involved. I feel horrible that this went on without me telling her. She didn't deserve to be lied to and I  take responsibility for that.  I just hope she wakes up one day and realizes what a piece of crap he is. I hope everything around him crumbles and he feels the same type of pain I have felt.

You didn't have the responsibility to be honest and straightforward with her.  That duty belonged to her live-in partner.  A woman who would monitor his phone call to you and tell him what to say would seem to be an ideal match for him.  I'm sort of puzzling over the idea that you "ruined this by demanding he choose."  She wouldn't be the first person to ignore an affair, so long as her nose wasn't rubbed in it, though.

As someone who had a live-in boyfriend cheat, I was angry with the boyfriend, not the girl he dated. Heaven only knows what he told her.  He probably lied to her.  He lied to me.


Kaycee

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Re: I know I'm going to be judged for this
« Reply #22 on: October 08, 2017, 07:27:18 PM »
I think he was pretty much telling me that if I had kept my mouth shut and let him have his way that he would have left her when the time was right. He said I argued too much with him and it opened his eyes to how things really were. He sickens me. As long as he was happy everything was fine.