Author Topic: Our unique situation  (Read 2079 times)

Virgo

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Our unique situation
« on: March 25, 2015, 04:13:30 PM »
Well maybe it's not unique, but I'm sure it's fairly uncommon. My mom died just three months before my husband. She had ALS. My dad mentioned that he recently started dating two women, but they're both more of a 'friends with benefits' type of situation. I caught on to that right away, but my daughters did not. Why my dad mentioned it in front of them is beyond me. I wish he would have talked to me about it privately first.

When he first brought the topic of dating up in front of my girls they seemed open to it. Once they figured out that he was seeing more than one woman and staying with them on the weekends their opinions changed. They are relentless with asking him questions. What are their names? How old are they? Where do they live? Do they have children/grandchildren? I told them it's really none of their business and they need to lighten up on the questioning a bit. I could tell their questions were making him uncomfortable. He obviously didn't think that through very well. Later on we talked privately. He's still aching for my mom. He can only handle being with these women occasionally because he misses my mom.

Anyway, his dating has opened up conversations between me and my daughters. I can talk about my dad, but I know they are thinking about me too. The possibility of me dating. In a sense, how I want them to treat my dad is how I hope they treat me too. When they ask me questions about my dad I know they are also asking about me. It's just not as difficult to ask me the question if it's about my dad. If that makes sense. It's an odd situation, never something I thought I would go through with my dad, but in some ways it's helping me and my daughters.
Jen

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

messageinabottle

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Re: Our unique situation
« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2015, 06:08:26 PM »
Even though maybe your Dad should have talked to you privately I think that open honest conversations with our children are good.  Of course to their age level.   
I think we as solo parents have a unique perspective to offer our children on love, relationships, dating.  We can talk more openly maybe if that makes sense because we are in the situation to date or not to date.  Let them know our thoughts on our choices why and if a relationship doesn't work why we made that choice or if it does why that choice.   
As a solo parent I have learned through the years to always answer their questions honest.  As a widow we have had to already deal with the most difficult subject -death.   The rest is just something I will always talk to them about when they ask any questions.  I hope to be the go to person whenever they just want to understand choices of dating.   
((HUGS)) to you I am sure that was uncomfortable !

Trying

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Re: Our unique situation
« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2015, 06:23:56 PM »
Open is great but knowing grandpa is doing weekend overnights at a lady's house, or more than one lady? TMI!

Aside from that it probably is a good way to introduce the idea of dating and how it doesn't mean grandpa doesn't miss grandma and let them translate that into the idea of you dating at some point. 

A little talk with Dad about what is appropriate to share is probably a good idea, men can be clueless about that stuff.
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Virgo

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Re: Our unique situation
« Reply #3 on: March 26, 2015, 06:24:04 AM »
Even though maybe your Dad should have talked to you privately I think that open honest conversations with our children are good.  Of course to their age level.   
I think we as solo parents have a unique perspective to offer our children on love, relationships, dating.  We can talk more openly maybe if that makes sense because we are in the situation to date or not to date.  Let them know our thoughts on our choices why and if a relationship doesn't work why we made that choice or if it does why that choice.   
As a solo parent I have learned through the years to always answer their questions honest.  As a widow we have had to already deal with the most difficult subject -death.   The rest is just something I will always talk to them about when they ask any questions.  I hope to be the go to person whenever they just want to understand choices of dating.   
((HUGS)) to you I am sure that was uncomfortable !


My family is very open and honest. Sometimes I wonder if we're to open. My daughters are 15, 13, and 7. I constantly worry about my 7yo being bombarded with an overload of inappropriate (for her age) information. It can be a difficult balance. Especially when my older two don't always consider their younger sister's listening ears.
Jen

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

Virgo

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Re: Our unique situation
« Reply #4 on: March 26, 2015, 06:26:54 AM »
Open is great but knowing grandpa is doing weekend overnights at a lady's house, or more than one lady? TMI!

Aside from that it probably is a good way to introduce the idea of dating and how it doesn't mean grandpa doesn't miss grandma and let them translate that into the idea of you dating at some point. 

A little talk with Dad about what is appropriate to share is probably a good idea, men can be clueless about that stuff.

I felt that it was TMI, and I talked to my dad about it. Not only was it TMI, but it was sort of a 'bomb' announcement. Completely off topic. Just odd, like he was bursting to share. I think he learned his lesson. He said he would keep any future lady friends on the 'down low.' lol
Jen

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

Carey

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Re: Our unique situation
« Reply #5 on: March 26, 2015, 07:24:17 AM »
I agree with you that it did open a good flow of dialogue between you and your children. I've been on a few dates and my kids have been very good about it. It helps they are 16 and 17 and "dating" themselves.  I'm not sure how it is with younger kids, and I've even heard that often young adult children take that harder. It's important that they understand that mom/dad are entitled to a life too, and I think a lot of people put their kids above EVERYTHING.  And it's not a bad thing necessarily, except when you consider the natural order of things. If we have done our jobs right, our children will reach maturity and find their own person to love, their own dreams to chase and leave our homes to pursue those things. And if we put off finding relationships for ourselves, we'll find ourselves older and alone after the "job" of bringing our kids up is done.  I want someone to grow old with. I'm too young for this to be it for my life, so yes I'm going to pursue other relationships. Im sure there will be some flops ... there already have been, and there's no one right now.  But I really think it's all about HOW you talk to your kids about it, and when lol.  In this case, yes your dad probably really didn't think through to the end about telling your kids, and again, it depends on their ages how much is TMI. But its good that you saw the opportunity to let your children see how YOU would like to handle the situation when it's your turn.
I can't look at the stars they make me wonder where you are. 
Stars.... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all
I know you've gone too far
 So I .... I can't look at the stars --Grace Potter