Author Topic: The Life You Didn't Get  (Read 439 times)

DragonTears

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The Life You Didn't Get
« on: October 07, 2017, 10:20:10 PM »
Hello,  Many of you don't know me, but I posted on the old website.  I dealt with years of addiction issues with my SO, even though I was often in denial about how bad it really was.  It's been a little over eight years since he died in a car accident.  What I struggle with a lot, as I see my co-workers and friends with their families and children and nice homes, is that I never got that.  We didn't get to have children.  The house never materialized because he became disabled and I ended up the primary breadwinner.  Our life together was filled with a lot of drama, fights, hardship and often poverty.  When we did have money, he would spend it all on drugs, jewelry, other women, flights, and alcohol.  There was no peace, no safety, and little happiness.  There was love.  There was always love.  But even that was twisted into something unrecognizable.

I miss the life we didn't get to have.  I'm wondering where the silver lining is.  It's unfair that some people's lives are filled with tragedy and then end in tragedy.  What's the lesson in that?  I just don't understand it.

I miss a life that never happened.  I miss the places we never went to.  I miss the dreams we never realized.  I miss the people we never became.

Wheelerswife

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  • Posts: 1097
  • Widowed x 2.
Re: The Life You Didn't Get
« Reply #1 on: October 07, 2017, 11:15:02 PM »
I remember you, DT.

I don't have the same circumstances, but I am trying to figure out how to make a life for myself without the future I hoped for with my second husband. I hate being miserable. That seems to be my bottom line. So I persevere in life, trying to create something new. It isn't easy.

Hugs,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

Bunny

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  • widowed 2012
Re: The Life You Didn't Get
« Reply #2 on: October 08, 2017, 09:38:24 AM »
I miss the life we didn't get to have.  I'm wondering where the silver lining is.  It's unfair that some people's lives are filled with tragedy and then end in tragedy.  What's the lesson in that?  I just don't understand it.

I miss a life that never happened.  I miss the places we never went to.  I miss the dreams we never realized.  I miss the people we never became.

These words make me weep with so much recognition of my own husband. I don't have any words of wisdom because I don't get it either. Life appears pretty pointless. Some days that knowledge feels like freedom, and other times it just feels way too heavy for me to keep carrying.
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

Leadfeather

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Re: The Life You Didn't Get
« Reply #3 on: October 08, 2017, 03:04:29 PM »


So I persevere in life, trying to create something new. It isn't easy.

Maureen

Reminds me of a quote I read in a book by Matthew Stover. “Keep inching towards daylight.” I know I will never have the life I thought was ahead of me. But everyday I try and point myself towards daylight and someday I know I will feel its warmth again.
« Last Edit: October 08, 2017, 03:06:42 PM by Leadfeather »
Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.
-Corrie Ten Boom

A Tout Jamais

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Re: The Life You Didn't Get
« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2017, 08:28:33 PM »
Quote
What I struggle with a lot, as I see my co-workers and friends with their families and children and nice homes, is that I never got that…

I miss a life that never happened.  I miss the places we never went to.  I miss the dreams we never realized.  I miss the people we never became…

I'm wondering where the silver lining is.  It's unfair that some people's lives are filled with tragedy and then end in tragedy.


What's the lesson in that?  I just don't understand it.





((DragonTears,))

I remember you from the YWBB and certainly can understand weeping tears about what has occurred and also the life you never had. Your story saddens my heart! - At times it can seem that:

"There is no such thing as happiness, only lesser shades of melancholy."
~~ Anonymous

Throughout my life I have observed the gross inequity in 'cosmic balance' and often questioned 'universal order'. At times it seems egregiously unfair and inexplicable. The longer I have lived, the more I tend to agree with the 'Socratic paradox': "I know that I know nothing".

Life is inherently unfair, erratic and uneven in bestowing its favor, irrespective of positive attitude, courage, determination or diligence.

Tom Stoppard, with sardonic wit, said it best:

"Life is a gamble, at terrible odds. If it were a bet you wouldn’t take it."

I have not walked in Your shoes - each life story and aggregate circumstances are different. But I honor your feelings and can understand your questioning, and also why you grieve for what 'should have been' - the lost hopes and dreams and love. There are so many facets to loss and grief, and they cannot be easily pushed aside or erased.

"Each substance of a grief hath twenty shadows."
~~ William Shakespeare

You have shown great courage and perseverance throughout it all, but after a while 'battle fatigue' can set in, and then it’s hard to see a silver lining. A seemingly endless slog can challenge our resolve at times.

"It isn't for the moment we are struck that we need courage,
but for the long uphill battle to faith, sanity, and security."

~~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh



Although we have to learn to accept the irrevocable, it can still be hard. People often flippantly suggest to simply develop a "Plan B", OR, the famous just "move on". -  Of course, it is a given to try finding new avenues, there is no alternative! Life forces us to do so, and most people attempt their utmost to reach a better place. Seeking ways to survive and thrive is an instinctive response of all sentient beings after having been dealt a massive blow. However, even the most determined endeavor is not always granted equal opportunity to succeed at the same rate or speed. So many external factors and personal circumstances can play a role in how fast or far we can go. - I honor your feelings while at the same time would like to sow little seeds of hope.


"Earth teach me regeneration as the seed which rises in the spring."

― William Alexander




Wishing you Rejuvenation & Endurance to hold on!

May brighter days lie ahead & a wondrous 'New Beginning' unfold.


ATJ

« Last Edit: October 10, 2017, 08:12:00 AM by A Tout Jamais »
"Tu n'es plus là où tu étais, mais tu es partout là où je suis."
~~ Victor Hugo

"Je me souviens de toi ... Je me souviens de nous  - Il était une fois -  Je me souviens de tout!"

meemzi

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  • Bubs: 1989-2017
Re: The Life You Didn't Get
« Reply #5 on: November 13, 2017, 02:04:05 AM »
My sweetheart, Bubs, did his own grieving for the life he couldn't have. He had schizoaffective disorder and there were just some things that he knew he wouldn't get to do.

He wanted to have kids. He wanted them so much that he couldn't talk about it unless he was drunk, but he couldn't bear to pass along his genes and the chance of having schizoaffective disorder. We watched his brother and best friend have his first kid and Bubs saw how stressful it was. That kind of stress just wasn't something Bubs could handle.

He knew he wouldn't get to grow old. With his illness, the choice is this: a miserable life on high doses of medications that come with side effects that will kill you early OR an earlier death than that. He ended his battle with mental illness. He lived in fear of death, but he chose his greatest fear over a life of misery.

There were other things. He would never be able to finish college or get a job outside of the family business or plan a wedding. There are a lot of things we were both devastated to miss out on.

I don't think there is a lesson. I don't think that's what this is about. I don't know why some people have to suffer so much.
"You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves."     -- Mary Oliver

Bubs: 1989-2017