Specific Situations > Suicide/Addiction/Mental Illness/Abuse

The Life You Didn't Get

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My sweetheart, Bubs, did his own grieving for the life he couldn't have. He had schizoaffective disorder and there were just some things that he knew he wouldn't get to do.

He wanted to have kids. He wanted them so much that he couldn't talk about it unless he was drunk, but he couldn't bear to pass along his genes and the chance of having schizoaffective disorder. We watched his brother and best friend have his first kid and Bubs saw how stressful it was. That kind of stress just wasn't something Bubs could handle.

He knew he wouldn't get to grow old. With his illness, the choice is this: a miserable life on high doses of medications that come with side effects that will kill you early OR an earlier death than that. He ended his battle with mental illness. He lived in fear of death, but he chose his greatest fear over a life of misery.

There were other things. He would never be able to finish college or get a job outside of the family business or plan a wedding. There are a lot of things we were both devastated to miss out on.

I don't think there is a lesson. I don't think that's what this is about. I don't know why some people have to suffer so much.


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