Time Frame > Beyond Active Grieving

Trouble with current boyfriend

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I'm sorry to hear how much you are hurting.  You are very insightful about how your grief is affecting you and your current relationship now you just need to reach out for help.  I know very well how difficult this is.  I only recently, as I was approaching the 4 year mark, got the courage to agree to an antidepressant.  I have been through therapy and thought I was doing well enough, I was about to marry a great man, but I just wasn't "happy", I had a lot of anxiety, quick to anger, and my motivation was very low.  It's been a few months on the medication and it is helping but I am still a work in progress.  After 4 years I have developed new patterns that will take a while for me to change.  For me, a big thing is giving myself permission to be happy, healthy and productive even though my DH was denied that too young.

I hope you continue to post here, the more we are each open to talk about these long term effects of losing a partner the more likely we are to get help and stop feeling alone and ashamed.

CHM  I'm sorry that you're dealing with this - I relate to your post as I feel much like you do, in a new relationship and it's great but I'm not willing to make a full commitment as I fear what could happen.  Therapy has helped me in figuring out how to move forward in a relationship but I know that if NG wasn't so very patient with me it wouldn't work out between us.  No words of wisdom here other than to say that communication is important, and to think about sharing how and why you feel the way you do with him.  It sounds as if the love for him is there, it's just hard to fully express it and that's certainly understandable.

Thank you all for these responses. I was sitting there reading them on Sunday morning, crying. I know a lot of you said that you didn't have much wisdom to offer but just knowing that there are others out there with similar feelings and experiences is so meaningful. I wish none of us had to go through this, but for me one of the hardest aspects of grief is how isolated I sometimes feel from my friends and peers, especially since I was only 25 when he died. I can't ever underestimate the power of hearing from others and knowing that I'm not alone in this.

TooSoon2.0 I'm so glad that my post has encouraged you to talk more - it is SO important! That isolation feeling can lead to some really bad behavior, I think. And at least for me I get convinced that there's no one out there who understands so what's the point of reaching out anyway, but that's not true!

Mizpah Interesting that you used the phrase "fight or flight," as my bf points that out about my behavior all the time. Your response was really helpful and meaningful, thank you!

Bunny I would definitely recommend giving therapy a try. just the chance to sit there and air your feelings and thoughts out can be really helpful.

Thank you to everyone for your responses. Big hugs!!!

Hi there, 

I've been wanting to respond to this thread again for a while but just couldn't find the time or the words.  This year in some ways should have been the best but somehow its been the worst.  The election happened and that was hard for me; every day what is going on remains hard for me because I feel like everything I value, the rock upon which I have built my own life and was building my daughter's life, no longer feels solid.  Agree with me or not, that is my reality.  It has shaken the already shaky equilibrium I have built these last five years.  My husband didn't die until February 2013 but by October 2012 we started a long slog to death. I think I'm still pretty traumatized by it.  This time of year is always hard for that reason, too; it always feels like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop like the end of 2012.

My reality is that I never got a break.  I maybe could have figured out a way to take one, to figure some of this shit out, but I was a wreck and couldn't think straight for a long time and no one stepped in and said, "Hey, maybe you need to take some time to figure this out."  It was my job to "get normal" and keep moving and "get on with it" for the child, so that's what I did and now I think I am paying for it dearly.  And so are the people I love - I am making them miserable.

One of the reasons your post resonated with me is that - and this is hard for me to admit - I am deeply, deeply unhappy.  A lot of it has to do with knowing that my career is over, wanting to move on to do what I know I want to do but I am trapped, for now, for an indeterminate period of time.  I have to hold the insurance until a time comes when my husband can take over and I can change my career trajectory (I married a widower I met here who is not American and who still doesn't have a green card so he can't work.  I would never have chosen otherwise but it is stressful for me to be the only one earning and to be working just to carry everyone's insurance and while I know it is temporary and an investment in our long term plan, its just plan hard).  Anyway, I'm getting off track...

I get myself so stressed out that I eventually freak out and melt down and it is never pretty.  I'm so conditioned to hold it all together  - I feel like for 7 years that is what I have been doing and I hold it in and hold it in and hold it in until it all comes out in a deeply unpleasant torrent that makes everyone unhappy, myself included.  I know therapy would help but I'm not motivated, I don't want to spend the money, and I am not sure there's time while also knowing if there's anything I should make time for it is that.  I don't even know what to call the place I am in but the best way I can describe it is invisible.  It was supposed to be getting better but its not.

Last night we went to the movies.  After we went to a bar down the street that I used to go to all the time in my old life; it was where we all went after my late husband's memorial, in fact.  I've been there many times with Andy (my now husband) but not for many, many months.  It completely set me off.  I did not want to be there.  I did not want to see the staff who know me from my old life. I was expecting to  know some people there but I didn't know anyone anymore.   I just completely freaked out.  Cannot explain it.  I totally took all of my anger and resentment and feelings of failure about my career and the weird isolation being back in that bar where I felt not like a regular any longer but like a relic out on Andy for absolutely no reason.  It was like my equilibrium is so fragile that, with some "liquid courage,"  it all just came apart in an instant.  I don't like admitting this but its true and it happens too often. 

I may not be making much sense here, which would be apt because nothing seems to make sense to me right now.  I was supposed to be feeling settled and grounded.  Married, child is doing great, we're finally on the same continent.  But that is not the case for me.  I am f*cking miserable and I do not know how to fix it.  It reminds me of a Langston Hughes poem called "Final Curve." "When you turn the corner and run into yourself, then you know you've turned all the corners that are left." 

Sorry for the rant.  All I really meant to say is that I am struggling, too, and also feel isolated.  I pick fights with the person I love the most and I do not know why.  I don't have the answers but I do understand. 



--- Quote from: Toosoon2.0 on November 04, 2017, 08:29:48 AM ---Sorry for the rant.  All I really meant to say is that I am struggling, too, and also feel isolated.

--- End quote ---

I read it, and I hear you - and I'm sorry.  It is a crappy time of year for me, too - I just dumped a lot of stress on my girls this evening, and I am ashamed and trying to figure out what I can do now.  I hope you can get some peace.

Take care,
Rob T

PS: I believe in therapy; it saved me once and eased my path several other times.


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