Time Frame > Beyond the First Year (1+ years)

My husband's ashes

(1/2) > >>

Its been 15 months since I lost the love of my life, my husband, to cancer.  Yesterday I received this text from my psycho step son:  "We need to organise a service to dispose of dad's ashes.  Its not fair on his family and friends that they have nowhere to go to remember him.  Did you have a plan?".  He's not contacted me since he physically attacked me back in April and got arrested.  He freaked out because he was angry I was getting 75% of our marital home (he gets 25% so its not even as if he's cut off).  I am scared of him.  Friends and family have sided with him because apparently he should have got the house and I should just move out now I am surplus to requirements.  I have my darling Steve's ashes in a beautiful urn at home with me and am not ready to let him go yet (maybe I should be, but I'm just not!).  His family haven't bothered with me since the funeral and as for his friends ..... well we all know how that goes.  I have composed 100s of replies in my head which tell him exactly what I think but he has keys to my home (the estate is still in Probate as there was no Will) and I can't legally change the locks.  My worry is he will come to the house while I am at work and help himself to Steve's ashes and arrange some G*d awful service without me.  They had a golf day and dinner on the 1st anniversary of his death which I wasn't told about, let alone invited to, I found out from someone else.  He has helped himself in the past to anything of value he wanted from the house but I can't bring myself to care about stuff so have let it go.  I could take the ashes back to the funeral home but worry he will have some kind of right as his son to get them.  And they are not something you can easily ask friends to look after for you!  I was starting to get myself back together but this has sent me spiralling backwards. I find it obscene that people who didn't bother with him when he was alive and ill are (apparently) all worked up about going to see him now he's dead!!

Hi, Bambi.

I'm sorry you are having to go through all of this.  There is just no excuse for your stepson's physical attack on you.  Can you get a restraining order?  Have you told the police that he has taken property without permission?

One thing that is hard for us sometimes is to recognize that other people grieve for the person who was our spouse.  No matter how we look at things, other people look from their own perspective.  I don't know how long you were with your husband or how old his son is, but I do know that others sometimes don't think as rationally as they could in circumstances like these. I don't know why your stepson would have rights to your marital home.  That has to leave you in an uncomfortable position.  Perhaps he was living with you?

I was with my second husband less than 4 years and married less than 3.  He was about the same age as your husband when he died.  My BIL seemed to have the idea that he was going to get something in his brother's will.  But my husband left everything to me and I was the executor of his will.  It took me 3.5 years before I parted with a lot of my husband's personal property, but I assured my BIL that he would get first dibs on things I chose not to keep.  Eventually, he hauled off a box truck full of his brother's effects.

My husband was also cremated, but he wanted to have his ashes divided and buried half with his late wife and half eventually with me. My MIL was not happy about that.  She had lost a son at age 24 and wanted her boys buried together.  I let her know what her son had wanted.  I was 18 months out before I had half of his ashes buried 1/2 a continent away in California where his late wife had wanted to be buried.  I invited some friends and family and we had a simple graveside service.  Eventually, I bought a plot where we lived and buried most of the rest of the ashes there a few months ago.  It was hard to part with the ashes, especially since I decided to move back near where I lived before I met my second husband.

As hard as it is for us, other people have to find their way through grief, too.  They may never accept that your husband loved you - like a spouse and lover - and that you had become the primary person in his life.  But trying to tell his son this likely won't help.  Perhaps you can think about splitting his ashes? I had the funeral home do this (and I did not bring them home until after his memorial service).  I don't think it dishonors your husband to let them inter some of his ashes.  It is apparent that they still think about this and the issue is not likely to go away.  I don't know if probate has any jurisdiction over his ashes, but if they might, you may want to try to take control over the situation before you don't have a say in the matter.

I know how much I was grieving at 15 months and as much as I am thinking practically now, I know you suffer and are scared right now.  Perhaps you can find someone you can trust to hold onto precious possessions and the ashes, too.  You don't deserve this anguish!



Hi Bambi ,

Such a tough situation for you and I am so sorry this is something you have to deal with.
Could you get an alarm system installed in your house ?
That way you don't have to change the locks but also can stop him from coming in your house
I know it is an added thing you have to think about but may give you peace knowing you have control of who is coming in and out pf your house
Take Care


You having his ashes has no bearing on them creating a place to remember your love. It sounds like you don't know yet what you want to do - do not let anyone push you into a decision you're not ready for. If they want to have a memorial and celebrate your beloved with a marker them tell your stepson that they have your blessing to do that but you're not ready to inter/distribute his ashes.

One of the best things I did was give my two stepdaughters and my MIL little urns with ashes. (Even though I'm Catholic so it's a big no-no) that way they could do whatever they wanted and I didn't have to be involved in their grief process.


I'm sorry you are dealing with this very difficult situation. It a safe deposit box at your bank an option you would consider until the estate is settled? You would be limited to the hours of the financial institution for access to the urn.

You don't have to hold a service now or ever if you don't feel comfortable with that. It's ten years for me and my husband's urn is in my room where I placed it when I brought him home.

Wishing you peace.


[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

Go to full version