Time Frame > Beyond the First Year (1+ years)

My husband's ashes

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Thank you for all your replies - this forum is a lifesaver and the only place I don't feel like an alien that has just landed!  I have been a total mess but am working through (stupid phrase) this particular shit storm as much as I can.  Its involved a violent return to the "kitchen floor reset" - you know, the one where you collapse on the floor in a foetal position and cry so violently you vomit.  Nice.  I came to the view that my Steve's ashes weren't him and that I was holding on to them so tightly because to let them go would be, in some God awful way, to have to finally accept he is gone forever.  I've never felt comfortable personally with splitting ashes although I would never judge anyone else or make any comment, we all do whatever we can just to get through this hell. I knew Psycho Step Son would never let it go, he loves a drama and any excuse to harass me.  The rest of his family while conspicuous by their absence before, during and after my Steve's death, were also feeding on the high drama of it all.  So I took the ashes back to the funeral home, said my goodbyes and told Psycho Boy to go get them.  I know I've done the right thing as there has been radio silence from all of them since (they got what they wanted but now have no ammo and not a clue what they want to do).  Let them tear each other apart (as they will) over this.  I have a feeling they will put him with his first wife as a final up yours to me.  So be it.  I am out of it.  As my Steve would've said "that ain't me Bambi!" ........ 

Captains wife:
Good for you Bambi and for taking that road. I'm so sorry with all the added grief from your  LH's family - so unnecessary. After my husband died my MIL went behind my back and took the ashes and wouldn't give me any of them when I asked. I just let that go and they are still with her. She has plans for them that relate to her family and nothing to do with me and my son. I just don't feel like fighting about it....Wishing you all the best,

Captain's wife - how these people look themselves in the mirror is beyond me!  I share your pain but we (and all our fellow wronged widows/widowers) will come out of this so much better than those who happily stomp on others hearts. xxx

I've never heard from my husband's son after he died. He did not come to the service but organized his own religious service (in direct opposition to his father's wishes and religion.) His daughter begrudgingly came to the service I created and was given a grand tour of our neighborhood and favorite spots by my husband's best friend. Neither child had ever visited or reached out in any way while he was alive. They were the recipients of cash gifts and visits but never made any efforts whatsoever. I held onto the ashes for a year in case they wanted them (personally, I have no attachment to the remains of anyone.) I held onto yearbooks and family photo albums, but 4 years later I still have not heard a thing. There really is no reason they should've behaved differently in death than they did in life. It would've broken his heart to know this so in that sense I'm glad he's not here.


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