Hi, Bambi.
I'm sorry you are having to go through all of this. There is just no excuse for your stepson's physical attack on you. Can you get a restraining order? Have you told the police that he has taken property without permission?
One thing that is hard for us sometimes is to recognize that other people grieve for the person who was our spouse. No matter how we look at things, other people look from their own perspective. I don't know how long you were with your husband or how old his son is, but I do know that others sometimes don't think as rationally as they could in circumstances like these. I don't know why your stepson would have rights to your marital home. That has to leave you in an uncomfortable position. Perhaps he was living with you?
I was with my second husband less than 4 years and married less than 3. He was about the same age as your husband when he died. My BIL seemed to have the idea that he was going to get something in his brother's will. But my husband left everything to me and I was the executor of his will. It took me 3.5 years before I parted with a lot of my husband's personal property, but I assured my BIL that he would get first dibs on things I chose not to keep. Eventually, he hauled off a box truck full of his brother's effects.
My husband was also cremated, but he wanted to have his ashes divided and buried half with his late wife and half eventually with me. My MIL was not happy about that. She had lost a son at age 24 and wanted her boys buried together. I let her know what her son had wanted. I was 18 months out before I had half of his ashes buried 1/2 a continent away in California where his late wife had wanted to be buried. I invited some friends and family and we had a simple graveside service. Eventually, I bought a plot where we lived and buried most of the rest of the ashes there a few months ago. It was hard to part with the ashes, especially since I decided to move back near where I lived before I met my second husband.
As hard as it is for us, other people have to find their way through grief, too. They may never accept that your husband loved you - like a spouse and lover - and that you had become the primary person in his life. But trying to tell his son this likely won't help. Perhaps you can think about splitting his ashes? I had the funeral home do this (and I did not bring them home until after his memorial service). I don't think it dishonors your husband to let them inter some of his ashes. It is apparent that they still think about this and the issue is not likely to go away. I don't know if probate has any jurisdiction over his ashes, but if they might, you may want to try to take control over the situation before you don't have a say in the matter.
I know how much I was grieving at 15 months and as much as I am thinking practically now, I know you suffer and are scared right now. Perhaps you can find someone you can trust to hold onto precious possessions and the ashes, too. You don't deserve this anguish!
Hugs!
Maureen
