Young Widow Forum > General Discussion

I need to be more vulnerable - update

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Captains wife:
Maureen - you have always had a great attitude...that is one thing that has really stood out and I think we are all stronger than we give ourselves credit for. I wish you all the best for the next chapter - you have so much going on (relocating, job search etc) right now.  Interestingly, I have been a lot more vulnerable on this board (and the one before it) than I have been in real life. I am so thankful I've had a place to do that as I wasn't comfortable showing people directly in my real life how I was really doing. I hope others will continue to find that support here and feel comfortable doing the same thing.  I think there is an evolution in being a widow/widower. I used to post a lot in the early widow or general section or in the children section but admittedly I post a lot in the social sections now - I appreciate the support while navigating these waters as being a widow (with children) does factor into it. I agree that we should feel free to post what is impacting us as widows/widowers and that expands beyond our initial grieving days. I try and venture into the early posting sections once in a while to provide support but I'll try and make more of an effort to do that. I'm also not sure why there isn't more activity as I know the support is needed.

Wheelerswife:
So....since this post I have let myself be more vulnerable to some of my good friends and I have made some changes.

Things continued to deteriorate with my mother.  She lacks the self-awareness to even understand what she is doing, I think.  She has snapped at me for things such as having a different opinion on which singer might have a chance at winning the competition on the TV show "The Voice"!  I know she is not going to change, and living under the same roof was just not working for me.  I'm used to a combination of robust conversation with people who are respectful in agreement or disagreement as well as long periods of solitude which I have needed to find focus for work and personal endeavors.  I was getting neither in my parents' home.

After a particularly challenging Thanksgiving holiday weekend, I decided to take the offer of some dear friends and move into their vacant second house.  I also knew that I wanted to make this transition well.  In other words, it would do little good to confront or upset my parents and make this move about the unspoken tension between my mother and I.  My father now has some memory and other perceptual issues and is no longer a significant source of angst, although he used to be worse than my mother. 

So...I took several days and visited some other dear friends who offered support to my goals and to my lowered spirits.  I returned home and casually told my parents that I had decided to make a move because I needed to refocus myself on my job search and I needed the solitude in order to accomplish my goals.  I took a few more days to spend time with my parents and go out shopping with my mother, and this morning, I loaded up my car with clothes and other essentials and I am now sitting at the kitchen table of my newest temporary home.

It feels good.

I will return to my parents' home in a couple of weeks for the Christmas holiday weekend.  My parents will get to return to their unencumbered routine, too.  My mother told me she will miss my company, even though she can't seem to help being critical of everything that I am that is different from her.  Part of me is glad I gave it a try with my parents.  I do have a good handle on my father and his decline and my mother's ability to handle his needs.  But...I have learned the lesson I probably already knew...it just isn't a good idea to try to live with parents when you are a fully capable adult!

So...thanks to my wonderful friends who lovingly have listened to me and given advice.  I really was listening, despite my resistance!

Maureen

kjs1989:
Congrats! I can't imagine how hard it was living with your parents. My parents are gone; my dad died three years ago and my mom one year ago this month. I loved them beyond measure, but it was evident in just occasional weekends with them that the same dynamic that existed when I was in high school and college was still there to a certain extent! Not good for any length of time.

Wishing you the best. It sounds like this is a good step for sure.



First Widow:
Good for you Maureen!

I adore my parents and spending time with them, but I am always ready to go home after a long weekend.  Enjoy your solitude!    :)

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