Author Topic: And now there is just me.  (Read 451 times)


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And now there is just me.
« on: October 30, 2017, 11:17:54 PM »
Back in 2008, my mom died from cancer. It was my first real loss, and I miss her to this day. But I never missed her more than I did three years later, when my 37 year old husband died. Moms know how to make things better... Dads just want them to be fixed.

My relationship with my dad was strained some after Mark died. It just seemed that he put so much pressure on me to be "ok" which was so crazy to me, since he was absolutely not ok with Mom dying.

In 2014, he went into a nursing home which I was against from the start. I did not think he would be happy, and I was absolutely not happy about selling our home full of memories.

In the beginning, it was actually pretty good. He made friends, took part in activities and did way better than I expected. But that didn't last for long. He start withdrawing and just complained about not feeling well. I would try to visit, and he'd say not to come.... even on Christmas. After awhile you stop trying.

In August, I called him and said that me and the dog were in the neighbor hood (I live well over an hour away) and he had to come out and see us. He played with the dog for a bit, gave me a kiss and then went back in. That's the last time I saw him until....

I got a call from my brother (who is the emergency contact) that my dad went into the hospital the night before. He wasn't sure what was going on, because he is on a cruise and can I try to figure out what was going on...

For the next 5 days, I came over every afternoon and sat with my dad. We'd watch baseball or Law and  Order. He'd complain that he wasn't getting better. (Told me some stuff "just in case" that I didn't want to hear. He was improving in some areas, but his lungs weren't getting stronger. When I left Saturday night, his breathing mask was off, he was eating and we were talking about what we were watching on tv. I thought he was getting better.

The next day, my brother gets there, and suddenly I am hearing "no more options" and "palliative care" and "his wishes" and all I can think, is I don't understand what happened since yesterday - how is it possible that my dad is dying? He was doing better! And after he took his last breath, I cried, "I don't have anyone left."

I lost my mom, and I made it. I lost my husband, and it was really hard, but I made it.  But now I lost my dad. So now there is just me. What am I going to do? How will I make it this time?
"And still they lead me back
To the long, winding road
You left me standing here,
A long, long time ago
Don't leave me waiting here,
Lead me to your door."
The Beatles


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Re: And now there is just me.
« Reply #1 on: October 31, 2017, 06:24:43 AM »
I'm so so sorry RemysWife.
Gentle hugs to you.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.


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Re: And now there is just me.
« Reply #2 on: October 31, 2017, 07:44:01 AM »
It is hard! I am sorry for your loss and it's terrible to be tricked he was getting and feeling better when he really wasn't it. I do think our loved ones who are ill do that sometimes to alleviate our burdened feelings.

I do think the order in which you lose people in your life makes a difference. I lot my dad first and I was closest to him so that was so hard but I had Josh and we had to try to make sure my mom would be okay. Then 4 years later my mother passed and though that was sad, I had to console my kids who loved her but at least got to know here and remember her. Losing my husband last sucked - I had to be a freaking pillar of strength for my kids if anything but I knew what had to be done after having lost both my parents already.

Hugs for all you have to deal with in the days to come.



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Re: And now there is just me.
« Reply #3 on: October 31, 2017, 07:56:23 AM »
I am so sorry Remyswife. I wish you peace in the weeks to come.
Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.
-Corrie Ten Boom


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Re: And now there is just me.
« Reply #4 on: October 31, 2017, 08:41:32 AM »
Remyswife, I'm so sorry for you losing your dad, and all the circumstances around it. My LH had appeared to be improving and responding to treatment near what turned into the end of his cancer battle, but then went into a sharp decline and passed very quickly. I know what it's like to be expecting more time and then having the rug yanked out from under you. I'm sorry you had to experience that with your dad, and without the support of your husband. Peace and comfort and endurance to you!


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Re: And now there is just me.
« Reply #5 on: October 31, 2017, 09:32:02 AM »
I'm so sorry.  I hope you and your brother can bring each other some comfort somehow.  We're here for you.  I'm so sorry.
widowed 2011 (DH 28)


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Re: And now there is just me.
« Reply #6 on: October 31, 2017, 01:13:23 PM »
I'm so sorry. 


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Re: And now there is just me.
« Reply #7 on: October 31, 2017, 02:27:22 PM »
I'm very sorry for your loss, it must be overwhelming to have faced so many losses.  I hope you find some peace and comfort from other people in your life and we are always here for support.
You will forever be my always.


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Re: And now there is just me.
« Reply #8 on: October 31, 2017, 08:54:34 PM »
I'm sorry for your losses, RemysWife.  I still have both of my parents, but my father, almost 91, is slowly failing.  We have not had the best of relationships, either.

I wish I had comforting words, but I can't seem to find any.


Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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