First time the old memory tape doesn't play

[Eddienhp]

It is coming up on six years in a just a few days. I am realizing I am no longer replaying the old tapes in my head. The tapes that included my husband's last few weeks of life. I saw everything so vividly. Rushing to the hospital wondering if this was it. I later found out he was literally dying before my eyes. He recovered to a state of consciousness but the doctors said the cancer had advanced and was going to win the battle. There was nothing more they could do. It was time. I had to get my stepdaughter from college to tell her that her father was dying. We moved him to hospice. One of his organs failed so he only lasted two weeks. It was all so surreal. Yet I saw those events so clearly as if I were taking part in them again or watching TV.

I no longer feel the pain. I can't even see the tapes. They are more like a book I read where I have to force myself to visualize everything. It is again surreal. I was told this would happen yet I thought it would be at 10. 15. 20 years. I didn't think it would happen so soon. I don't really miss the old tapes but I do feel my husband has gotten farther and farther away from me. Sometimes I look around the house and it feels like he was never there. The mind plays some interesting tricks with our memories.

I think this means I have finally healed from the initial pain of losing him. I can go on freely. I have not met anyone new nor am I looking. That is ok for me. I have two children who were 5 and 2 when my husband died. I am so busy raising them I don't have time for anyone else. One has special needs so that requires a lot of extra time and care. Any new man coming along would have a lot to deal with.

The timing of this freedom from pain is coincidental to me finally resolving significant financial issues resulting from my husband's death. Its very complicated and too much to go into here but I am at the end of the negotiations. I hold the last piece of the puzzle in my hand and I am about to place it. It will signify I have solved the financial puzzle. I will no longer have to worry about how I am going to pay for all the obligations I have. I will finally have enough to pay it all without juggling. That is a huge relief! I can't believe how much stress I was under. I didn't even realize it because I was too busy trying to solve the problem. My shoulders are no longer tensed up. I feel like I can breathe easier. For the first time in many years I can feel positive. I have survived and I will prosper.

Perhaps the financial puzzle kept me from moving forward with my grief. Maybe it helped me to hold onto my husband because I didn't want to let go. In my head I always knew reality yet my heart had trouble accepting it. I will never forget my husband. I think of him everyday. The difference is I no longer feel the pain.

Eileen

[sojourner]

Not quite there just yet, but can relate to a lot of what you're saying. Glad you're transitioning into a more resolved, settled place in life.

[mmg19]

So much in your post was my thought the first 3 years.  Sounds like you have in figured out and the future will be brighter.  Time is a good healer.  I felt your pain and your honesty in your words.  Better times ahead.

[Wheelerswife]

Thank you for your post, Eileen. I can relate to much of this as it pertains to my first husband. The tapes are no longer in full technicolor. I have to intentionally pull them up. It has been 8 years. I have not gotten to this point yet with my second husband. He has been gone almost 4 years.

It is good to know that things are going better for you and your children and that your financial situation is coming to some resolution.  You have been resilient and persistent and there has to be some satisfaction knowing that it has paid off.

Maureen

[RemysWife]

This month has been 6 years for me too. I can relate with a lot of what you wrote. Those first few years, I could relive everything about those last two months when we found out the cancer was back to when he died. It was hard to push those thoughts out of my mind... now I have to actively call up those memories.(which I try not to do.) I still think about him all the time, but it doesn't hurt so much anymore. It's more of an emptiness that doesn't go away.

It's so weird how after all this time, you can still feel so in tune with others who have suffered this loss.

((Hugs))