Time Frame > Beyond Active Grieving

Need to vent

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Julester3:
I joined meetup and found several interest groups. See if there are any in your area that interest you . You could be surprised and if anything it's something to say at least you tried. The hobbies keep me occupied when it's far to quiet for me. Good luck!

Captains wife:
I had to start from the ground up when becoming a widow as I was in a new town and didn't know anyone and my family is thousands of miles away. I had to work hard to "re-invent" myself - I hope my suggestions are helpful.

1) I also joined a number of meet-ups in my area (try other towns too that you are ok commuting to). Admittedly some of these were a miss but I enjoyed my wine group in particular and met a very good friend through it.

2) I also sought out clubs related to my hobbies so joined an all female "learn to sail/race" night at the local yacht club (didn't need to be a member to join) - this is my biggest friendship circle in the area.

3) I volunteered for local groups in town (and developed some lovely friendships this way) - it also felt very worthwhile.

4) I joined the local gym - didn't form any close friendships but do have a number of acquaintances (and even met a neighbor there!) And I learned how to Zumba and do step plus dropped 30lbs !

5) Online dating - did LOTS of this but its a tough road and need a very good sense of patience and humour. But did end up dating some interesting men (and met a great guy I am dating now). And I met some great male friends - one, in particular, got me into ballroom dancing and that was a fun hobby for a while.

6) Forming friendships at work - I make the effort to arrange lunch or drinks out with certain people I have formed friendships with.

Please remember that it can be hit and miss and it may take a while to find what you are enjoying and people you want to spend more time with. But I am happy I put in the effort - when initially widowed, I felt so isolated but meeting all these different people and having these new experiences has really helped me move forward. Wishing you all the best,

MikeR:
CJF,

Your post was stated just to be a rant and you didn't ask for advice, but that never stopped me :)

Maybe start with forming a picture of what your ideal life would be going forward (be realistic - you can't have him back). Then think about what is stopping you from moving toward that. Address each reason you come up with, one at a time. 

You mentioned being afraid to be vulnerable. Explore why that might be so. You've been through more of a difficult time than most people and came through it fine. You're strong - we know that. So why are you afraid? Only you can find the answer, and then deal with it.

Take it one step at a time. A therapist might help to get you started (I don't believe in long-term therapy but it can definitely help when you are not sure what to do).

Mike

duckie:

--- Quote from: CJF on November 06, 2017, 08:23:24 AM --- the familiar names make me feel like I am actually keeping up with friends, as odd as that may sound.   

--- End quote ---

Hi CJF, duckie here!  I stop in here once in a while when I'm having a difficult time and need the situation to feel a bit more 'normal'.  Seeing your post and a familiar name from the early days is so comforting to me (misery definitely loves company!).  I'm still having a tough time too and dealing with some ptsd.  I still see a therapist and it is helping me a lot.  I had a really tough week at work with a colleague who got mad at me and threw my dead spouse in my face - this has become a pattern with older women I work with and it's so hard for me to deal with professionally when my personal life gets brought up to hurt me. I had to take thursday and friday off as I was having major flashbacks and now I'm worried my job is in jeopardy because I am emotionally unstable.  I know that the longer it's been, the more people think I should be over it and it's rarely taken seriously. 

I recently started seeing someone for the very first time (I had one practice fling about 4-years ago but there was nothing deeper to that at all).  This has brought up a lot of emotions too, especially having to share DH's bed.  I sleep on the opposite side I used to as I'm scared to wake up and think DH is beside me.  I don't speak to him about this stuff yet - and to be perfectly honest, it shocked the hell out of me when it first started.  I did not expect that at all.  It's been so long since I dated that I don't even know myself in this situation. 

Either way, all this to say hi.  And thanks for posting as it really does feel like catching up with old friends.  I think about you guys often and wonder where all the '7 year' people are and how they are doing.  I'm not great either - but at least I know that's normal now!       

CJF:
Thanks all for the great suggestions and advice!!!  I am going to try making more of an effort and get involved in some of the things you all mentioned, including taking a good look at what has been holding me back.  Sometimes it's good to get other's perspectives to force you to take a good look at yourself and your own insecurities. 

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