Time Frame > Beyond Active Grieving

...does not mean triggers don't rear their ugly heads

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I know I am lucky that DH survived to see my son's graduation from college and see him get his first "real" job and first apartment. Yes, there are still future moments in his life he will miss, but he saw most of the major ones and, again, I know I'm "lucky" in that way.

The old couples, on the other hand....it triggers the same emotions the rest of you are experiencing. I resent their happiness and many years together. At church, on occasion, they recognize significant anniversaries...I find it difficult to clap and instead find myself questioning "why are they so lucky and not me?" and I get angry and jealous. I am envious that they have each other to care for as they grow old. Thankfully my DH had me to care for him and he never had to worry about who was going to care for him in his old age since that never came.  This is one of my greatest fears, though, that I'll be alone and have no one who loves me to care for me as I grow old. So either I can hope to die before my health begins to fail or I guess that's sadly why you can hire PCAs...

Captains wife:
Sorry RIFF - you were married a long time with 4 gorgeous kids so there must be so many triggers. I agree that although I have some small triggers that set me off, the worst are where I really feel my LH is missing all my son's milestones - even odd ones like I started crying in a school meeting last year. I wasn't married very long before he died (less than 3 years and my son was 9mths old) and I'm finding this hard enough so I can't even imagine the loss felt for longer marriages and older kids.

Captain's wife - I so get this; I wasn't married very long either.  Yesterday, we had a meeting to renew my daughter's special ed plan.  She's doing so well ever since I got these accommodations in place for her.  She's happy and doing so much better in school.  The principal and her teachers were effusive about what a polite, thoughtful, empathetic child she is, and I felt the tears coming on.  Scott should have been there, too.  He would have been embarrassingly, ostentatiously proud!  I managed not to cry but I definitely had the lump in my throat; I felt the weight of everything that's happened and everything that no longer is.  That doesn't happen very often anymore but it is still very much there.  Lots of love to you all.  I get it. 

Big or small, those triggers are still out there.


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