Time Frame > Beyond Active Grieving

10 years, the healing continues. Christian perspective.

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10 years ago today was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, at that time I really didn't know how I would make it, there were times in my deepest grief that I didn't know if I wanted to make it.  I just wanted to wake up and find out it was all just a very bad dream.  I told God so many time God, you messed up this time, you know this wasn't supposed to happen.  I wanted to just throw rocks at God and tell him I was so very angry with him. Yes, I wanted to yell at God and make Him feel the pain I was feeling.
 I was hurt, I was angry, I was sad, I was scared.  How was I going to face life without Rod?  I was I going to make decisions without him?  Why did God even think I could handle this?  So many questions and I didn't think I had an answer to any of them.  But I did, it was God, my heavenly father, he loved me then more than I could ever imagine, and still does.  God knew my hurt, he knew my heart was shattered in a way I thought could not be repaired.  He knew just how alone I felt.  He was there and caught every tear I shed, held me throughout every sleepless night.  When I felt like there was no way I could go on, He held me up.   
When I couldn't sleep or was just plain hurting, I would write a letter to God.  I found the notebooks again a couple of months ago.  This is what I wrote a couple of weeks after Rod had died.
Dear God
God today was another VERY hard day.  It was so hard going around closing all of his accounts.  I just feel like I had way too much piled on my plate. I really didn't count on this being part of the bargain.  I feel so alone. I miss Rod so much. WHY GOD WHY did he have to die?  I need him here, I need one of his hugs.  I need him to hold me.   God, I feel so very lost without him.  This hurts so much right now, I just feel like I can't go on. I have tried so very hard to be strong, but I can't anymore.
I need him to me, but, that just won't happen.  I need a hug, I need a kiss, I need to hear I love you one more time.
I don't understand, God, I simply do not understand why this had to happen.  Why did Rodney have to die?  WHY GOD WHY??   Why now why not in 30 years.   Why couldn't we have dies together?  God, I need to feel loved again, I need a Rodney hug.  Please tell him I love him and miss him.  Do I ever miss him.
God, I need a comforter now, I know I need sleep, but tonight, I just don't know if that will come.  I feel lost and out of place, I don't feel like I belong.  Please be with me and comfort me.

I am a few weeks short of my first year as a widower and I have no idea what direction my life will take or if I will backslide, but at this moment I feel at peace. After the first month of numb disbelief I knew I needed to make a choice on how I was going to react to the death of my wife. I chose to be thankful for the years we had. To open every morning prayer with the words. "Thank you God, for the 27 years C. was in my life, and thank you for the sons she gave to me, and thank you for the example she set for all of us." It took most of the year to say those few words without tears, and without feeling an aching chasm deep within my core. But I do think that approaching her death with gratitude that she was in my life if only for a while instead of anger that she is gone has helped me move forward and heal.

God's peace and comfort to you today on this anniversary of his passing, and always, JustMom1215. Thank you for your post and for sharing your experiences.

Thank you for sharing this JustMom.  I'm sure it was painful to go back to read those feelings from early days but hopefully some peace to see how far you have come with the help of your faith.

Leadfeather I love your attitude and your thoughtful intention with your prayers of gratitude.  I tried to do similarly that first year but admittedly failed more than succeeded at feeling gratitude over hurt and anger. 

Thank you for sharing.  I understand so much of what you wrote.  I am coming up 6 yrs.

It took me a long time to see God paved a path of support for me and my son.  I went through anger and trust with God, but knew He could handle it.

My DH worked with the youth for 16 yrs. at church.  They dedicated the youth area in his name a couple yrs later.  Through his years of working with other kids, taking care of other kids, I had support for me and my son.  Don't get me wrong.  I was angry that my DH got to be in all these other kids lives, and MY son got 8 yrs. only.  That was a struggle.  But over time, I saw and accepted slowly that all these relationships were set in place with his connections, and they watched over me and my son all these years.  I know I am so fortunate to have that rock that grew from his servant hood. 

Christian songs helped me so much for grieving.  On the old board, many of us posted songs that helped. 

I appreciate you sharing this.   Yes, the healing continues......


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