I cant grieve

[BambiGrk]

I can't grieve my husband because I am so angry with him. On the day of his funeral I was given his autopsy report. Its why I shut down. It's why I disappeared from this website even though its a great healing tool. I couldn't deal with what I read and literally didn't even know how to comprehend it.

My husband died of a drug overdose. He died of heroin laced with fentanyl. I didn't even know he was on drugs, I had literally no clue. Not that anyone believes me. All of this suffering I have endured, I have endured because of a CHOICE he made?? The man that I loved more than anything on this planet was literally leading a double life. I am so angry and confused. He lied, deceived and manipulated me. He went to great lengths to hide this from me, obviously.

People ask me how he passed away and I cant even respond. Part of me wants to tell the truth to help break the stigma on addiction and try to help someone else. He was not a bum on the side of the street kind of guy. He was in church every Sunday. He was God loving. He had aspirations. He wanted so badly to have children and build a family and he was loving and kind. But his family wants to keep it private as they are shamed from what he has done- which I guess I understand. I am tired of talking about it.

My husbands death has destroyed me. It has ruined my life on so many levels. He left me financially screwed, an emotional wreck and an all over disaster. I have no desire to become a part of society again. I feel like I would feel so differently about this if he had died from something else. But I feel like he basically CHOSE to leave me. He made the decision to DO the drugs and he made the decision to HIDE these things from me. All it would have taken was for him to reach out for help, all he had to do was talk to me about whatever he was going through. In life I never would have judged him. I would have done ANYTHING for that man. I would have given anything for him. This is how he repaid me.

I do love him. I will always love him. Regardless of what has happened. But how can I possibly not feel this way towards him? How can I possible not be angry with him for this? I do realize that the only person this anger is hurting is me... because he can't feel it. And so I am really trying to let it go. But I just cant seem to.

[Wheelerswife]

Of course you can’t let this go right now. You are in shock and you are angry and I imagine you are combing your mind trying to figure out how you missed any sign of his drug use. I’m no expert on this, but I imagine it is going to take some time for you to wade through this quicksand and get to any kind of acceptance of his death and the manner of death.

I realize that you feel like life is over, but I hope you can hear just a little bit that you won’t always feel the intensity of the emotions that you feel today. You might search out a good therapist or counselor at this point.

Don’t run away. There are others who may come to the surface who know your kind of pain.

I’m so sorry you lost your beloved and that he didn’t know you loved him enough to share his drug use problem with you.

❤️

Maureen

[klim]

Grief takes many forms, anger can be part of it. An uncomfortable part of it, but a part of it.
So in a way you are grieving. You're are thinking and analyzing and all of that is helping you process his death.
Hoping and wishng that your mind will wrap around this event and move away from the anger and allow you progress towards healing.

[Leadfeather]

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Accept the emotions as they come. Be kind to yourself. Know that time is your friend.

[WifeLess]

BambiGrk,

There are a number of members here who lost their spouses to causes related to drugs or alcohol, especially when addiction was involved. And consequently, they have faced conflicted feelings about their spouses similar to those you describe. You can find many of their posts in the Specific Situations Section below dealing with suicide, addiction, mental illness, etc. Perhaps it will bring you a measure of comfort to read some of their posts, especially in these threads:

http://widda.org/index.php/topic,16.0.html

http://widda.org/index.php/topic,11.0.html

http://widda.org/index.php/topic,225.0.html

Sorry for the tragic loss that brought you here and for the complex road to healing that you must travel.

—- WifeLess

[Forgottenwife]

Hi BambiGrk.

Please take care of yourself. I lived a similar situation and I can relate to so many things in your post. My successful, loving husband also lived what you called a double life - he fell into IV drug addiction. My situation is a little different as my husband took his own life while grappling with several failed attempts at recovery.

I'm reaching out to you here as wow, I can relate. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Yes, every grief and loss journey is different, yet there are those that can relate to the complications of addiction. For a long time, I was so angry. At him, at doctors, at society for judging, at death, at the pharmacy. I still call up some anger now and then and its been more than 6 years since he died. I told my therapist I didn't think I had a right to grieve, I didn't deserve sympathy, I literally wanted to die and I felt my life was literally destroyed.

Your feelings are your feelings, there are no shoulds, and anger can be a part of grief. Loving your husband and being angry can go hand in hand right now. Try not to tell yourself you should or should not feel a certain way. I wish it was as simple as 'letting it go.' Please take care of yourself. I am so sorry for the circumstances of your husband's death.

I am happy to share anything that may be of service to you.

[Captains wife]

First of all Im so so sorry for your loss. Of course you're angry...and sad. My situation was quite different but I did lose my husband suddenly (5 years ago) and I found out certain things after he died...He also left me with a real mess to clean up and left me to raise a 9 month old alone. My anger was really out of control for a long time and yet I was crying with sadness as well.....so I completely understand. The anger had dissipated now so hopefully yours will over time but I hope I can provide some helpful suggestions to get through this, which helped me. I immediately got a grief therapist and booked a lot of sessions, I networked with other young widows who understood what I was going through, did lots of self therapy (being good to myself, ie. taking time off work when I needed, going to spa, trying to keep busy with other projects that kept my mind and hands busy) and finally one of the main things that helped me was exercise. I went to cardio classes way above my fitness level and kickboxing....the physical exercise and adrenaline really helped me. Wishing you all the best,