Time Frame > Beyond Active Grieving

I'll never......

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There were so many things I thought I would never have...I wasn't a Mom, but then ten days later, I got the news, so that is a very big something.  I would never love anyone ever again...believe me, I wish I could, but I just can't.  It's still impossible.  Year Nine.  Next year is year ten and all I can think about is that first afternoon in the backyard when I couldn't figure out how I was going to get through an entire twenty-four hours without hearing his voice.  Now it is how do I get through the next ten years? And the next?  I really wish the, "I'll Never's" would be a thing of the past.  But they are not. It's good to hear all your stories of surviving and thriving. Perhaps it will just take more time for me?  Otherwise,  I've made it through the first bit,  so I can make it through the next!


There have been things in my life I thought would never change because I was in a good place with them. Never said such a thing when things felt miserable. I grew up moving every few years (my Dad's job transferred him all over the place) and feeling too cemented in my life was a dangerous thing.

When John died I looked at it as a challenge- nothing inspirational but more that I got handed something that would be very, very hard to overcome or adapt to (whichever). And I knew I could overcome and or adapt. It was a little bit angry of me right at the first though. Now I have a much better attitude. I took off my helmet. But only after I had knocked down anything and everything in my way.

There are always things I could never even imagine. Life is just so FILLED with those things I decided a long time ago to go with the flow. Although at first it was remarkably like jumping off of the top of something high enough to kill me and having faith that whatever was best for me was what would happen...reckless. I've lived my life avoiding spontaneity but this was something different. The worst had already happened, right?

When I was an active participant on Ywbb I would read posts that spoke of NEVERS and think- not smuggly but ALMOST- well she doesn't have a clue what is just around the corner. I would see these widows lives just...blooming.


I remember a discussion with a good friend of mine early on when she suggested there would be a time when I'd be open to new love. I was so angry at that suggestion I thought I could NEVER get there.  Here I am 5 years later and yes it is possible! I'm so enamored with someone wonderful and look forward to each new day of contact with her.

Never say never...I was always a James Bond Fan...lol, I guess I forgot about that for a while.


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