Author Topic: I looked at the reports  (Read 829 times)


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I looked at the reports
« on: November 28, 2017, 09:06:31 PM »
It's been sitting sealed in an envelope in my filing cabinet for over a year. The detailed report on what happened the day of the accident. I honestly never thought I would read it. Then, during my sorting today I pulled it out. And without a hesitation I put it in the computer and reviewed every single page on the CD. There we photos of the accident. There were detailed descriptions of what happened. I have no idea why I did it. And oddly I'm okay. Maybe it's because I'd already read the witness statements. Maybe it's because the cops already roughly described things too me a month after it happened. There were no pictures of him. I'm worried now this will be like a ticking time bomb and I'll have a nuclear meltdown in a few days after it absorbs. Why did I do that?


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Re: I looked at the reports
« Reply #1 on: November 29, 2017, 07:52:41 AM »
Why?  Hard to say.  Mayhap the question Why not?

What wouldn't you do for another glimpse of a smile?  What wouldn't you do for another taste of a kiss?  What wouldn't you do to hear the voice?  What wouldn't you do to feel the warmth of an embrace.  What wouldn't you do to catch a scent drifting around?

Memories get delivered many ways.  Some we choose, some not.  Take comfort these are memories you have plucked off the shelf to peer at.  Reminders . . . .  always reminders.  Please do not fear these.  Life's greatest treasures lay on the other side of fear I have found.


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Re: I looked at the reports
« Reply #2 on: November 29, 2017, 09:14:41 AM »
My husband did not die in an accident. But it still took me many monthe before I  could read the report. But at that late date I had to. As did you. Our brains can absorb a bit more now. I  think at some point you just have to read it
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...


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    • The Widow Whisperer
Re: I looked at the reports
« Reply #3 on: February 19, 2018, 07:59:31 AM »
I was told so many things, many of them conflicting, during those first few months. People told me things they really never should have considered appropriate of healthy. For the longest time I worried about gruesome nightmares (even typing this I worry I've evoked something in my subconscious). The things is...the psyche is an interesting thing. Most of what comes to us in our sleep is helpful and most of what comes to us while awake can't hurt us. Try not to doubt your instincts.

Hoping my experiences can help


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Re: I looked at the reports
« Reply #4 on: February 24, 2018, 07:33:10 PM »
I read the preliminary accident report from my husband’s accident soon after his death and that was quite bad enough. I don’t think I could take a more detailed report with photos.


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Re: I looked at the reports
« Reply #5 on: February 26, 2018, 09:35:13 AM »
It's a bit different, but a month after the accident/his death, I went to the hospital to talk to the doctors who worked on him, to get information and understanding.  It was hard.  I took tons of notes.  When I got home, I folded up the notes and put them away.  A couple years later, I pulled them out.  I had the talk in my head - this could really upset you and set you back, maybe you shouldn't do this.  I did it.  And I was fine.  It was not fine, never will be, never could be, but I was (am) fine. 

[Maybe it's because we are living the worst case, that the details of how it's the worst case... they're not as important maybe as time goes on?  We've already absorbed the biggest blow.]
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Captains wife

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Re: I looked at the reports
« Reply #6 on: February 26, 2018, 12:54:10 PM »
That is very triggering but can understand why you did it. The first year after my husband was killed in a boating accident I was obsessed with how could it have happened ? I read through all the reports, met regularly with the Coast Guard, and went on my own interviewing the people that found him and the boat (firefighters - the dive team). In your case, maybe its better there were no pictures of him - I was on site when my DH was recovered and that image will never, ever leave my memory or brain.

The only thing I couldn't bring myself to do was listen to his Mayday call.....although the Coast Guard offered to let me hear it.

Hugs all around...this sucks.


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Re: I looked at the reports
« Reply #7 on: February 26, 2018, 01:34:29 PM »
Everyone needs to do what they feel is right but understand, there are consequences to either choice.

To not look at photos, if they exist, and to not read the reports could result is some unanswered questions. However, the reports, while official, many times do not answer everything and are, sometimes, devoid of particular details - cops and EMTs are human too after all. You may not find the answers you seek.

To look, especially at photos, will always show our spouses' bodies in the worse light they ever were in. I knew what a GSW to the chest with a heavy calibre weapon would do to a person. Thanks Marine Corps. No closure, whatever that is, would be provided to me by viewing the photos. My late wife was a beautiful woman in life - I'll just keep those images in my head instead. The scene was enough of a nightmare.

As bad as I knew they were, I never wanted my children to have any access to them. I petitioned a judge to have all the records destroyed and he granted my petition. There were some guidelines as to how long they had to be kept but, after that time had passed, they were destroyed.

As I said, each of us has to do what we think is best. But think carefully about if it would be helpful or detrimental to you.

Best wishes - Mike 
The one who blesses others is abundantly blessed; those who help others are helped. (Proverbs 11:25)