Time Frame > Newly Widowed (1 day to 6 months)

having waaaaay too many bad days

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Anni:
It seems that once I moved out of the condo we shared, the more bad days are happening. I read in a story behind a famous Christmas story that the writer use to say this " I am just tired of living" after the death of his favorite daughter. I am using that more and more. I know once I start my new job it should get better, but the hole left in my life after Minh died is so huge.

I lost a career of 16 years due to a lay off, I have moved twice with most of stuff now in storage, I had to give away my cat, and Minh's death just added to the list. I have survived much in my life, so this is survivable, but I have lost the will and faith for the 1st time in my life.

Maybe it is just the holidays. 

Anni:
I made it through the holidays and survived. I was out eating at one of our favorite places yesterday and the person next to me and I got talking. She lost her husband of 48 years after a 44 day hospital stay recently. We talked about being there in the hospital 24/7, how bad it got at times, and how the holidays got to us, but we also talked about the good memories that are helping us forget those bad times.  Talking to her gave me more help than I have gotten except from here. We understood us other because we shared the worst that life have done, taking away the love of our lives. Part of a sisterhood no one wants to be in.

I needed that because my best friend who lost her partner was telling me that I needed to move on now. She put everything away a month after his death and here I was going thru things to organize pictures, and items of his. I shouldn't be wearing his clothes that I do. She meant well and is worried about me since no one that has know me have ever seen me thrown off so much. But I am not her, and that lady in the restaurant supported me in doing my way.

This coming week is the anniversaries of Minh and I finding each other on the dating site and then 2 days later our 1st date. Tears are in the back of eyes, but smile on the face. Heart is starting to heal some just knowing that I am the lucky one last year to find him and us falling in love. Worth the hurt of fall.

Wheelerswife:
Hugs, Anni.

Sometimes, being vulnerable to a stranger can pay off in positive ways.  After my husbands died, I was surprised to realize the number of people that I encountered who had lost a spouse or partner.  It does take a willingness to be truthful sometimes - answering that "How are you?" question with a veracity that people are not anticipating. 

My second husband died at home while I was away.  2 days later, I found myself sitting on a commercial airplane next to a private pilot.  He asked me if I was traveling for business or pleasure.  I asked him if he wanted my truth.  He said "Yes", and I told him I was heading home because my husband had died.  He embraced me (not physically) on that flight, listened to me, let me cry, and also shared a part of his story (losing a brother as a teen) without ever taking away from my story.  There really are some amazing people out there, but we may never be able to take advantage of their support or give our own support to others unless we are willing to be vulnerable.

I'm glad you were validated by the lady in the restaurant!  Sometimes, even those of us who have been widowed need to come to the understanding that what is good for us may not be what is good for another.  I hope your best friend can come to understand this!

Maureen

beth_krkswidow:
I did not think I could survive.  Absolutely did not think it was possible.  And I looked forward to that.  I had absolutely no desire to survive.  At the first Widow Grief Group I went to, the first widower that shared began with,
"My wife died a year ago."

My mind exploded at that point because I remember thinking, How the HELL did he survive a YEAR?  I remember nothing else about that first Grief Group except that.  I was just so shocked that someone could actually survive it.

As I said, not only was I sure I could not survive, I had absolutely no desire to survive.  I wondered how I would die, but never ever did it occur to me that I would not die.

Well, here I am at 19 months.  It has gotten softer.  I don't have 20 crying jags a day.  Maybe just one.  I still miss him like crazy and can't imagine the rest of my life.  Somehow (I credit my Grief Group) I survived it.  Still not crazy about having survived it, but the pain has gotten bearable.

I didn't believe those further out when they said you will survive and it will get softer.  But they were right.

Good or bad, they were right.

So sorry you had to join us here.

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