Author Topic: For those in budding relationships ...  (Read 23449 times)

StillWidowed

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #480 on: December 14, 2017, 03:26:14 PM »
Tybec,

Here was my situation when I dated douchebag (sorry, the reference must stand).  He had kids not much younger than my own.  He was divorced and saw his kids, in my opinion, pretty regularly.  In the beginning, he was all hearts and flowers.  Wanted to see me all the time.  Take trips together, etc.  On one of those trips, he was really down.  When I asked him why, he replied he felt guilty for not spending more time with his kids.  I was like huh?  We'd only been gone for a long weekend.  But whatever I thought.  As our relationship progressed, he started sidelining me more and more.  The kids this, the kids that.  Now mind you, I had a child too.  Any little chance he had to see them, I was benched.  There was no blending our families.  No going with him and his kids to events.  None of that.  It was bullshit.  And I tried to be understanding, and supportive and blah blah blah.  And then finally I decided to call bullshit on it.  Because in my situation, it was bullshit.  I knew that if he really cared about me and wanted to be with me, he would and wouldn't take the chance on losing me.  We had gone back and forth in the past, and he was sure of me.  He just figured we'd get back together down the road.  When I was good and sick and tired of being an option instead of a priority, I called foul on the relationship, dumped him, and meant it.  Of course, he didn't think I meant it.  Until he texted me months later and I told him to not contact me anymore.  Well, wouldn't you know he contacted me again two days ago.  And that's because he knows he'll see me next week for a work related event.  He asked how I was doing and I said great.  He didn't  care how I was doing.  He was simply feeling me out so he'd know how I was going to act towards him next week when we had to see each other.  And guess what?  I'm going to hold my head up high, be cordial and conduct myself like a grown ass woman even tho I'd rather throat punch him. I finally get it!  And I will no longer be with a man unless he is with me in every way. Yes, life is busy and hectic and all that.  BUT, you know when a man wants to be with you, finds a way to be with you and makes you feel secure in the relationship.  Period.

tybec

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #481 on: December 14, 2017, 06:02:57 PM »
StillWidowed,

Thank you for your post.  I laughed. My LH always said, "I am a GAM." And you said you were a "GAW".  Funny! 

I didn't think benched, but yes, that is how it feels. 

Quote
And I will no longer be with a man unless he is with me in every way. Yes, life is busy and hectic and all that.  BUT, you know when a man wants to be with you, finds a way to be with you and makes you feel secure in the relationship.  Period.

And this ^^.   I KNOW this.  I know this from my husband.  I know this from other married couples.  I have another friend who has pointed out the same thing.  I just keep holding on, waiting. It has been almost 5 months I moved here.  I start a new job in Jan.   I think I need to have some ducks in a row and then make a final decision?  I know.  Pulling off the band aid fast may be best.  I just need to get a network of folks in this new town.  Unless something changes, we are past the infatuation and headed for the real deal, if it is going to be the real deal.  I wish when we were together it wasn't so good.  I will be making big decisions in the new year.   

And we have done lots together.  We have gone swimming many times, amusement parks, movies, hiking, caving, zip lining, rappelling, trampoline parks, concerts, and hung out together. I have seen his son in a play and in pine derby races.   I have met all his family in this state and been to his hometown and he has gone to my hometown.  He has met all my brothers, my mother before she passed.  He has attended weddings, church meals with me.  It is slowing down.  Changing.  Maybe that is the problem.  We are in the same town and really need to decide to keep going or not.  Ugghhh
« Last Edit: December 14, 2017, 06:09:40 PM by tybec »

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #482 on: December 14, 2017, 06:17:45 PM »
{{{hugs}}} tybec.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

klim

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #483 on: December 14, 2017, 08:09:40 PM »
Ok I'm the opposite and very similar to what you are describing is wrong with your guys.....

And again this could relate to where we are in life....

I need time with my boys alone,without NG, and I encourage NG to take time with his kids. My boys need to be able to talk freely, something they will not do with NG around....and I suspect that would be true with his kids as well. I mentioned last week we had a night where everyone was together for an extended period of time. It was ok....and I'm trying to see if I can get used to it but seriously I would have rather had time with my boys and then time with NG.

Perhaps because they are older and don't depend on me for much, when they need me I want to be there for them. They are old enough that any partner I have, will not join me in co-parenting. I am their only parent. I would like NG to supoort me while I support them.That is what I hope for.

I will prioritize their needs over his.....although I try and balance it all but they lost their dad, they are young adults that are trying to figure out life and he is a grown adult who should be capable of realizing that my kids  are my priority.

"And I will no longer be with a man unless he is with me in every way. Yes, life is busy and hectic and all that.  BUT, you know when a man wants to be with you, finds a way to be with you and makes you feel secure in the relationship.  Period".

If a man was prioritizing me over the needs of his children I would not be impressed. I do not need to be first and formost in everything. I need to be shown love but I'm also an independent person that doesn't constantly need attention.  I won't put up with being pushed aside completely but TYBEC  from all of your descriptions of what you do together and his offering to have you and your son join him on the weekend it doesn't sound like he is pushing you aside.

I'm not sure what my point is except I know I'm into my guy but he is not always #1....but I also I work hard at providing what he needs so that he feels loved. I've told him that's the way it's got to be and if he can't handle sharing me then it's not going to work....and so far we're still together.

Tybec I wish you clarity to see what's right for you. Nothing in these new relationships is straight forward.


StillWidowed

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #484 on: December 15, 2017, 09:40:03 AM »
I'm fiercely independent.  I'm not a whining, nagging woman that has to have his undivided attention 24/7.  What I am is a woman that deserves love, trust, care and respect in a relationship.  Has nothing to do with who he's spending more time with.  Has to do with the fact...is he making me a priority or an option?  And we KNOW when we're not being made to feel loved, nurtured, respected and secure.  If he's pulling away and has less and less time for you....it's not good.  Do things come up in life?  Absolutely.  But that's not what I'm talking about and I think we all know it.  We know when we have that nagging feeling that he just doesn't have both feet in the relationship.  And while I was patient and loving and gracious and forgiving, he simply took and took and gave back less and less and less.  Yes, we've been devastated by loss.  We've had our whole worlds turned upside down.  And yes, it takes time to heal.  And some of us might feel insecure and vulnerable and afraid.  But a REAL man will nurture those things, love those weaknesses and not exploit them.  He will make you feel loved and secure.  And while we'll make mistakes in this grief journey, we'll also learn from them.  We'll make better choices and realize that having a partner again isn't always the happily ever after.  Sometimes the happily ever after is healing, peace and joy in this new life and helping those that will come up behind us.

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #485 on: December 15, 2017, 10:30:39 AM »
^^^^^^This. StillWidowed, well-said.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Forgottenwife

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #486 on: December 15, 2017, 10:48:03 AM »
Oh, I see myself here, but I admit that I was on the other side. I made my kids the number one priority all the time. I am now living with my NG, but I look back when we were still living apart and I did some things that could easily be interpreted as me not prioritizing my NG.

I once changed a plane ticket to watch my kids' sports game, and I met my then boyfriend on vacation later. I would keep my phone with me ON DATES and dropped everything when my kids called. I could go on and on about this. Now, hearing from others how this feels, I see how my actions could be really hurtful to my partner. I am not trying to defend myself, just offering an explanation. My version was that my kids had been through so much, I needed to be there whenever they needed me. I wanted them to know I would always put them first. There's more of course... my husband (their Dad) killed himself while my son was on the field so I never missed a game, ever.

Self reflection is hard. My therapist was surprised that my NG tolerated my actions. I have no problem saying that I love my NG very much. He is kind and funny and I am quite happy in my new life. I would be sad to know he felt neglected or that I just didn't care about his feelings. I was trying to juggle it all - take care of my own heart, apply balm on my kids' trauma, fall in love with this amazing man, figure out finances, all the stuff life had given me. I see now how lucky I am that my guy stuck around. Just offering my perspective.

All that said? Trust your gut. You deserve to be adored.
 

StillWidowed

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #487 on: December 15, 2017, 01:48:19 PM »
Then let me say this.  I didn't get into a relationship until I COULD give the man priority and not constantly drop everything for my child.  I took time to grieve and heal.  I felt it was only fair to the person I was going to be with.  I tried dating too soon, realized I wasn't being fair to the other person, and decided to wait.  What I'm talking about is two people that come together, are ready for the responsibilities and commitment that a relationship requires, but then one of them decides they aren't as invested as they thought, but still wants the other person around as an option.  THAT kind of mind fuckery is what I'm talking about.  The kind that is selfish and only thinks of itself at the expense of the other person.  We make excuses in the beginning, or don't heed the red flags and wind up more and more emotionally invested.  All along, the other person is well aware of this, yet won't reciprocate the feelings and instead will throw crumbs when only a loaf is deserved.   
« Last Edit: December 15, 2017, 02:05:16 PM by StillWidowed »