Author Topic: For those in budding relationships ...  (Read 18074 times)

Captains wife

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #390 on: October 12, 2017, 12:59:45 PM »
arneal - just a few words of advice from someone who hasn't been a great communicator (and I can be quite passive aggressive about it - i.e. if he doesn't respond to my text for a long time, I can act like a big baby and not respond to his for a period of time).

Its so difficult trying to understand what a person is thinking, especially in the earlier dating phases. The Sunday thing would have honestly bothered me - but on NG's end, maybe he just had stuff going on. But the lack of response would have left me wondering too (although I gather from your subsequent posts that he ultimately resurfaced).

But saying nothing if its bothering you will only fester and compound - and those feelings wont go away so having a gentle conversation with him (or being more proactive if you want to see him) is a good idea...just so he understands where you are coming from. Maybe he has no clue how his actions are bothering you ? I too also used be very self conscious about my son (as I was dating when he was a young baby and sometimes he would just lose it in front of the guy I was dating...and this guy I was dating wasn't great with kids).

One thing I learned from my ex BF was that I needed to be more proactive in communicating what I wanted and who I was to him - I expected him to read my signals and that's not fair...and I can understand in hindsight some of the reasons he got frustrated with me along the way. I think, too, its all about the way it is communicated. I would let things fester and then it would just come out (and not in a particularly nice way).

In my world now, for example, the guy I am dating used to just go silent on me for hours and hours when he had his son (divorce with limited custody) - but expect me to drop everything to talk to him when he was free. So I sat him down and explained in a nice way that is lack of communication during these period upset me - and this was a double standard...(see I'm getting better !). The end result - he definitely made some changes and acknowledged it. (He had no idea that he was doing that to me). Wishing you all the best in this Chapter 2 - this isn't easy territory.

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #391 on: October 12, 2017, 03:27:40 PM »
Your post made me smile Needy, about your NG not remembering what he said. Mine does that too sometimes ... he'll tell me something and then several weeks later (sometimes longer if it's a memory trigger moment) will tell me again. Sometimes he'll ask as he starts whether he told me the story before and if so, I'll say yes. Sometimes I don't remember until he's into it a bit and then I say something like, 'Oh, yeah! I remember this' and either leave it at that or recount a part of the story. There are also times when he's into whatever it is and I've heard the story before that I'll just let him tell it. Other times I'll tell him that I remember it. I try not to repeat stories so I don't know if he remembers what I say or not, but if he does and I've repeated, he keeps it to himself. That, or he doesn't remember. Or he likes my stories; I do write fiction for fun after all LOL.

But seriously, I wonder if sometimes for those of us who have been by ourselves for any amount of time or just on our own even in relationship if we tend to not talk generally. I think he's comfortable with minimal talk in between being face to face. I am too but when I want to be clear on plans, yet not pushy. Sigh.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Needytoo

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #392 on: October 18, 2017, 03:07:41 PM »
I also let him retell the story.  It's when he says he is free, then isn't, then right back to being free that is sometimes challenging.  Unfortunately, some of this is out of his control.  His Mom is recently widowed and he helps her out.  Hard to get too upset about that. 

All in all our relationship is going extremely well.  Still waiting for my sons to be a little more accepting but who am I kidding I knew it was going to be like this. 

Still working on the communication thing. NG says I am opening up to him which is good, just really not sure if you have to share all the "nasty" stuff with a new partner. 

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #393 on: October 18, 2017, 03:22:10 PM »
Yes, the key there is 'new', needy. Plus, sharing I would say is a two-way street. If he is open to sharing ugly bits with you, hopefully he can stand to hear and be accepting of your ugly bits as well. NG was very open early on, even before we were intimate he shared deep things that I don't think I would have been willing to share early on. I then felt comfortable with sharing my own. Not graphically, but with enough detail to outline the difficulties and hurts.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Trying

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #394 on: October 18, 2017, 08:51:49 PM »
For some reason, early in our relationship we were extremely open about our pasts and lots of ugly unflattering things.  I think we were both trying to scare the other off with the truth to avoid being hurt later on.  It didn't work, it ended up building trust instead.
You will forever be my always.

Needytoo

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #395 on: Today at 05:35:38 AM »
Last night I opened up to more of the "ugly", NG cried with me. This is what I want a relationship where the other person knows almost everything, and slowly I am doing that.  I can't believe I have only known this guy for three months, feels like we have known each other for so much longer.

marriedwithkids77

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #396 on: Today at 02:22:48 PM »
I love reading your histories  :)

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #397 on: Today at 05:14:07 PM »
Good for you, Needy! It is interesting how we grow and change. Over time, we come to learn more about ourselves and make changes about how we allow people into our inner circle. We figure out what we will and will not accept. This has become more apparent, maybe because it is Diwali and along with my Hindi and Nepali friends am more conscious of renewal and positivity this week. Or maybe I am just learning more about how to heal my own soul spaces. Either way, it is comforting to know that many of us are on the same journey ...
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b