Time Frame > Beyond Active Grieving

Almost 6 years, and still falling down the Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole.

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I'm so sorry you've hit such a rough patch.  Made me wish we were all sitting around together in a comfy living room chatting instead of on computers.

As for dating, I think some single people are looking for "fun," and no-strings-attached sex or dates or companionship, and some are looking for a relationship and true closeness and a future.  And some of the former leads to the latter.  You asked about relationships.  I'm in one now, and was in one other dating scenario before this one - no more since DH's death.  I've never done on-line dating.  My first post-death experience was a very traditional situation, in which I crossed paths with someone at work (not a co-worker), and we chatted, and he asked me out to dinner, and we met for dinner and he paid and we talked and he walked me home.  The next date similar, a few later he kissed me.  He was very respectful and just a great guy - much more ready for a relationship than I was (I warned him from the get-go of my situation and limitations).  He was just great, and I wish someone like him for all of you who are looking and hoping.  I met NG, expecting it to be a purely friend thing (he was a widower I reached out to to pay forward all the support I got here - and we'd texted completely devoid of any romantic or sexual anything for months before meeting IRL).  I was not expecting it, but it was clear from our first meeting that he was interested in hooking up.  It kinda threw me.  A couple get-togethers later, we started sleeping together, we thought or decided it was casual/no strings/non-exclusive, but looking back it seems ridiculous because by the time we first slept together, we were already quite close - how could there not have been complexities?   

Ok, that was rambly.  I guess my point is that different people are looking for different things at different times - I was ok with FWB situations back then, and you are not (and I don't think I would be now if I were single).  I think all you can do is be honest about what you're looking for and stick to that, reject what you need to reject.  I didn't know what I was looking for - I didn't think I was looking for anything, I was just taking things as they came and trying to go with my gut in each scenario.  I knew I was starting to feel alive again, I knew I was looking for a big change, but I didn't have a specific vision or goal.  I just knew I wanted more from life than I had. 


--- Quote from: candace0902 on December 18, 2017, 09:21:18 PM ---Is that how dating is these days?  No getting to know each other, listening to the other persons stories to understand why they are like they are today? I'm just not the FWB type; is that the norm now?
Can anyone who is now involve in a relationship discuss how it began?  Its embarrassing to be so clueless this late in the game.


--- End quote ---

No. This is not how dating is these days. This is simply your conversation with this specific individual.

I don't think you should be embarrassed at all. All of us are just trying to figure this out. I think dating is just having conversations with other people, if you like each other and want to continue getting to know one another, then you do.

I am in a relationship now, and we met online. After my husband died and I felt that I was ready to meet someone, I went online and it was brutal. I was called fat for turning someone down, I got unsolicited pictures of someones genitals, I got tons of messages that were clear the writer did not read my profile and they were simply looking for sex only. It was terrible! Then I just decided that I wanted to meet more single people, that was actually my goal. In addition to staying online, I also volunteered and let all my friends know that I was interested in meeting someone. I persisted with looking for just regular, nice men online. I immediately blocked people that crossed lines, and if I chatted with someone that was not for me in terms of quick sex talk or I felt they were pushy, I let them know right away that I would not be interested. I talked to more than one man on the phone that was not my cup of tea for a variety of reasons, easy solution, I didn't talk to them anymore.

I wouldn't waste any time talking to someone that makes you feel uncomfortable. It doesn't mean one of you is right and one of you is wrong - it just means you may not be compatible in ways that really matter to you. I too was not interested in having sex with someone quickly, and I met more than one man that was just fine with that. When I met my NG online, we were just two adults that were getting to know each other. I was never pressured into anything, by anyone. In my opinion, you should be yourself and only do what is right for you. If someone wants sex/money/promises/to move in/marriage or whatever it is on a completely different timeline than yours, I say throw them back into the dating pool to find someone that is better suited for them.

I know we don't hear a lot of these stories here, I met multiple men online who were normal, nice guys. I know they are out there. Good luck!


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