Author Topic: Almost 6 years, and still falling down the Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole.  (Read 634 times)

candace0902

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Edited for clarity. 

Cliff note summary; I joined a site and began corresponding and then talking on the phone.  I made it clear at this point I was only looking for friendship and companionship; a casual relationship.  If more developed afterward, all the better.

We were talking on the phone and somehow got on the topic of intimacy.  He insisted their cannot be "total intimacy" until it became sexual.  I disagreed and said there were many ways to be intimate with someone other than sex. No matter what I said he would respond with  sexual innuendo.

Is that how dating is these days?  No getting to know each other, listening to the other persons stories to understand why they are like they are today? I'm just not the FWB type; is that the norm now?
 
Can anyone who is now involve in a relationship discuss how it began?  Its embarrassing to be so clueless this late in the game.

 :-[
« Last Edit: December 19, 2017, 09:24:17 AM by candace0902 »

Julester3

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Just want to offer a hug. Holidays are already hard enough and it seems you have a lot of holiday memories stirring up and triggering.

Yeah, I think dating at our age brings out those who just want sex and those who don't even know what they want. There is a reason they aren't attached or married at this point. I am beginning to think all the good ones are taken or they are still looking for a woman who looks like Cindy Crawford - a model who looks crazy fantastic at 50+. I too had that intimacy argument with a guy once. I totally agree with you that there are different ways to achieve intimacy that aren't sexual in nature. I am not having much luck however I'm not putting forth my best effort (I admit it) and I've only dabbled in dating for 7 months on and off.

So breathe, take things slow if need be! And one more hug!

BrokenHeart2

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Hi Candace I'm sorry to hear you are having such a struggle.  Christmas sure is a trigger and it certainly is for me.  I have a feeling I know why you came back..... because we get it.  I call all the wids here my pillows, it's my soft place to fall.
Hugs
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

candace0902

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Thanks Jules and BK.  As soon as I logged on and started reading it was like finding that one long lost friend who really gets you.  I had forgotten that you are never alone and I miss the closeness and insight that is always offered.

Portside

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Is that how dating is these days?  No getting to know each other, listening to the other persons stories to understand why they are like they are today? I'm just not the FWB type; is that the norm now?
 
Can anyone who is now involve in a relationship discuss how it began?  Its embarrassing to be so clueless this late in the game.


Ans to your Qs in order:

No.
No.
Definitely not.

There certainly are some knuckleheads out there and if you are on a site, they will find you. But no, you don't have to give up the goods quickly to get a decent guy. Just be yourself, for as long as it takes.

Personally, I think FWB is about the worst path to creating a long-term intimate relationship. The cards are stacked in the guys favor and, contrary to some folk's opinion, the woman will be hurt, eventually, 9/10ths of the time. Yeah yeah, I know, some work out. But not most and not many.

I am no longer dating but when I was, we just simply went out alot and talked about everything under the sun. Most things we were in agreement with but not all. But once we discussed the big items through (kids, money, faith, family, life plans, etc.) we each knew we found our next mate. We were not intimate until we had decided that we were going to be a long term pair.

That's just us. You may find a different path that works better.

Weigh the advice you get from everyone (even me!) carefully. I tend to listen more carefully to folks that have been successful in whatever it is I'm trying to do. They aren't always the ones that speak the loudest or most often. :)

Best wishes and good luck - Mike

p.s. - don't be embarrassed by not know how to approach this - it's a whole new ballgame that few of us were prepared for.

 
The one who blesses others is abundantly blessed; those who help others are helped. (Proverbs 11:25)

Mizpah

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I'm so sorry you've hit such a rough patch.  Made me wish we were all sitting around together in a comfy living room chatting instead of on computers.

As for dating, I think some single people are looking for "fun," and no-strings-attached sex or dates or companionship, and some are looking for a relationship and true closeness and a future.  And some of the former leads to the latter.  You asked about relationships.  I'm in one now, and was in one other dating scenario before this one - no more since DH's death.  I've never done on-line dating.  My first post-death experience was a very traditional situation, in which I crossed paths with someone at work (not a co-worker), and we chatted, and he asked me out to dinner, and we met for dinner and he paid and we talked and he walked me home.  The next date similar, a few later he kissed me.  He was very respectful and just a great guy - much more ready for a relationship than I was (I warned him from the get-go of my situation and limitations).  He was just great, and I wish someone like him for all of you who are looking and hoping.  I met NG, expecting it to be a purely friend thing (he was a widower I reached out to to pay forward all the support I got here - and we'd texted completely devoid of any romantic or sexual anything for months before meeting IRL).  I was not expecting it, but it was clear from our first meeting that he was interested in hooking up.  It kinda threw me.  A couple get-togethers later, we started sleeping together, we thought or decided it was casual/no strings/non-exclusive, but looking back it seems ridiculous because by the time we first slept together, we were already quite close - how could there not have been complexities?   

Ok, that was rambly.  I guess my point is that different people are looking for different things at different times - I was ok with FWB situations back then, and you are not (and I don't think I would be now if I were single).  I think all you can do is be honest about what you're looking for and stick to that, reject what you need to reject.  I didn't know what I was looking for - I didn't think I was looking for anything, I was just taking things as they came and trying to go with my gut in each scenario.  I knew I was starting to feel alive again, I knew I was looking for a big change, but I didn't have a specific vision or goal.  I just knew I wanted more from life than I had. 
« Last Edit: December 19, 2017, 10:59:26 AM by Mizpah »
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Forgottenwife

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Is that how dating is these days?  No getting to know each other, listening to the other persons stories to understand why they are like they are today? I'm just not the FWB type; is that the norm now?
 
Can anyone who is now involve in a relationship discuss how it began?  Its embarrassing to be so clueless this late in the game.

 :-[

No. This is not how dating is these days. This is simply your conversation with this specific individual.

I don't think you should be embarrassed at all. All of us are just trying to figure this out. I think dating is just having conversations with other people, if you like each other and want to continue getting to know one another, then you do.

I am in a relationship now, and we met online. After my husband died and I felt that I was ready to meet someone, I went online and it was brutal. I was called fat for turning someone down, I got unsolicited pictures of someones genitals, I got tons of messages that were clear the writer did not read my profile and they were simply looking for sex only. It was terrible! Then I just decided that I wanted to meet more single people, that was actually my goal. In addition to staying online, I also volunteered and let all my friends know that I was interested in meeting someone. I persisted with looking for just regular, nice men online. I immediately blocked people that crossed lines, and if I chatted with someone that was not for me in terms of quick sex talk or I felt they were pushy, I let them know right away that I would not be interested. I talked to more than one man on the phone that was not my cup of tea for a variety of reasons, easy solution, I didn't talk to them anymore.

I wouldn't waste any time talking to someone that makes you feel uncomfortable. It doesn't mean one of you is right and one of you is wrong - it just means you may not be compatible in ways that really matter to you. I too was not interested in having sex with someone quickly, and I met more than one man that was just fine with that. When I met my NG online, we were just two adults that were getting to know each other. I was never pressured into anything, by anyone. In my opinion, you should be yourself and only do what is right for you. If someone wants sex/money/promises/to move in/marriage or whatever it is on a completely different timeline than yours, I say throw them back into the dating pool to find someone that is better suited for them.

I know we don't hear a lot of these stories here, I met multiple men online who were normal, nice guys. I know they are out there. Good luck!