Author Topic: "Problems with greif"  (Read 321 times)

imissdow

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"Problems with greif"
« on: December 26, 2017, 07:35:59 AM »
I'm about 6.5 years post death. For the most part my friends are supportive of me and my choices. However I'm just the last couple of years I have noticed a shift in perceptions. Or maybe I've just become more aware, I just don't know.   Most of my friends now never knew my LH. I am fortunate to have some d friends who do remember him. The ones who never knew him indrestingly enough are the ones who think I'm stuck or "having problems with greif". For the most part I dont think I'm having problems at all.  I have a therapist who I see every week mainly because she is safe to talk to about him. I was motivated to go because I really want a healthy relationship in the future and the guy I was dating at the time told me I wasn't "over" my lh. That had been a common theme from all the guys I dated and a couple of close friends. So, I decided maybe it was time to do some more greif work. 
So this week I saw a couple of friends who have been around for almost half my life. We don't see each other often but do stay in contact via, email and Facebook. Indresting enough one lost their dad about 10years ago and mom less the 4 years ago. The other lost a boyfriend when she was a teen and her brother just over a year ago.  So I told them I was "having problems with greif" and they laughed.
I still miss him, I doubt that will ever change. We still celebrate his birthday and our anniversary.  We ignore the day he died as much as possible, it was 4 days after his birthday. However. My life is really good. I have 2 kids in college and each is doing well. My youngest has transitioned to middle school and seems to finally figured out stuff. She has a big sister from big brothers big sisters who has just been great for her. I moved, have a new job, and some good friends and somewhat of a social life.  I've managed to live within my means, pay my bills and even do some cool trips with my kids. My life looks very different then it used to and I'm good with that for the most part.
I've been told I have ptsd, anxiety, depression, adjustment disorder and I think to negatively . I've also been told that I cope extremely well. I'm tired of being treated like I'm broken or damaged or on the flip side like a object by the guys I meet. My rherpist tells me I just haven't met the right one, she also suggested that I might need to find someone who had experienced great loss.
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to gain from saying all this, maybe just some reassurance that I'm not crazy/ or I'm more normal then people tell me.

Trying

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  • aka MissingmyTim
Re: "Problems with greif"
« Reply #1 on: December 26, 2017, 03:44:29 PM »
I know I am not the same person I was before my LH died.  There are few positive changes in me but definitely more not so positive changes.  I don't know that it is "problems with grief" or just consequences of grief.   I think once you get past a certain age any lost relationship, through death or divorce, is going to affect future relationships.  Maybe we have trouble trusting or being vulnerable with someone new or may be we appreciate love so much more because we know how precious it is.  If the lost relationship was negative we may be pickier and not want to settle the next time around. 

I flip flop between not wanting to be labeled or pitied as a widow to wanting to scream at some people "don't you know what I've been through!!??!!"

What's normal anyway?
You will forever be my always.

Mizpah

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Re: "Problems with greif"
« Reply #2 on: December 27, 2017, 09:07:14 AM »
Something I don't understand is everyone's impulse to assess and evaluate everyone else, offer commentary on how others live and feel.  I'm not saying I don't do it.  It seems to be a social pastime, nearly universally, irresistible.  But why do we do it?  Why do we measure others with our own yardsticks?  There are things about my life and personality someone else could never understand, just as there are things about others' lives and personalities I may never be able to understand, and yet we superimpose our own ideas onto them, and them onto us.  And then we let it sink in, we use it to hurt ourselves and each other.  Why do we absorb others' opinions, when we know it's a flawed system?  Why do we seek approval when we know that someone else can't know the full truth of our existence and inner workings?

Are you crazy?  No.  Are you "more normal" than people tell you?  Probably.  Is it their business, the intricacies and emotions of how you deal with loss and the circumstances of your life and past?  No.  From your description, it sounds like you're running your life really well.  You sound super well-adjusted.  It doesn't sound like you're having problems with grief.  It sounds like you're engaging in remembrance.  All people are broken and damaged to a certain extent.  I say, as much as you can, let the opinions of others slide right off you like you're water resistant and they're the rain. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

BrokenHeart2

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  • Widowed 2013
Re: "Problems with greif"
« Reply #3 on: December 27, 2017, 06:20:17 PM »
Wow, Miz you nailed it!! no more to say! Keep on keeping on!!
Hugs
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.