Author Topic: new member here  (Read 607 times)


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new member here
« on: December 29, 2017, 11:30:00 AM »
Been an avid reader here the last weeks, appreciating reading stories and sentiments by people in the same awful situation as I am currently in. Felt it was time to write down my story and make myself introduced.

I met my husband about ten years ago at a hiking trip with friends in the mountains. We where studying at the same university so we got together a year later. We were very tight, doing just about everything together, always being active. We got married five years ago and we now have two kids, one 4-year old boy and one 2 year old girl. He was a great dad, taking them along everywhere he went. A really happy guy, always smiling warmly at every photo I have left.

He was in real good health, almost never sick and quite into all kinds of sports like trail running, kayaking or skiing. There was never any sign that anything was amiss except for a flu that had him in some fever the days before. He had gotten rid of the fever in the morning and around lunchtime his heart just stopped. I had noticed he was a bit odd the last ten minutes so I was nearby and I called 911 immediately  and followed their instructions. It took some time for the ambulance guys to get his heart beating again. During the week that followed we were told that the flu had caused myocardatis which had caused the heart to stop working properly. We were also told that the heart stop had caused such damage to the brain that he would not live. A little more than a month past they shut down the respiratory aid. We´re Swedish citizens and here it is not up to the relatives but the doctors make such decisions. Everything is a bit like getting hit by lightening. Just extreme bad luck and no one had a chance to realize what was happening and change anything. Doctors said that even if he would have seeked medical help, it was very unlikely that they would have seen that anything was amiss.

Right now I´m just trying to cope, getting my kids through the days decently. The first week I was a complete wreck, needing pills to sleep and totally unable to eat or to take care of my kids. I´m doing a bit better now, eating and sleeping well. Mostly getting my frustration out by going to the gym whenever I have the chance. Weirdest thing is that I feel like I´m living in a reality and he was just an amazingly nice dream that I cannot touch or really understand that it was real just two months ago. Anyone had that feeling? Maybe just a way of shielding myself. I can´t even cry at the photos, gets happy just by seeing him. So I´m walking around, being quite busy most of the time and not being a complete wreck. I get the feeling somehow that I´m coping with all this shit a bit too well. It seems so odd that I can laugh and actually joke when I´ve just seen the guy I loved more than anything die. Though I don´t know what else to do. Becoming a widow at 34 is just not something I have any experience of and thankfully neither have anyone else I know.

The kids have more or less accepted that he is dead. It´s the most heartbreaking thing in the world to hear your two year old say that her dad is dead and can´t come home. But I guess it´s a good thing that she actually somehow understand it. They are both rather sad at times and questions pop up every now and then. They will always miss him, but I´m trying to make sure they don´t miss anything else.

So thanks everyone for sharing all of your experience. Even though I have family and friends nearby to talk to, none of them have lost their spouse so suddenly and unexpected. I feel like I can get a lot of input on how to get my family through these coming years.



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Re: new member here
« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2017, 03:26:04 PM »
Hi, Sara,

I'm sorry to have to welcome you to our community.  I can't imagine being widowed so young and with small children.  How heartbreaking!

I lost my first husband when I was 47.  His early death was predicted from a young age because of a genetic disease; however, it was still very difficult to bear.  My second husband died quite unexpectedly and without the opportunity for the goodbye I had with my first husband.

I truly believe we all react both similarly and differently to the death of our spouse.  I imagine that if you have been reading here, you realize just how "normal" your experience is, yet it is still uniquely your own.  You seem to be doing all of the things that you need to do to get through this terrible situation - which is to live each day as it comes.  It has been my experience that all we can do in the first weeks and months is to just keep trying to function.  In time, the cloudy future becomes less cloudy and a new normal develops in its own time.  I had a new normal about a 1 1/2 years after my first husband died, yet I really don't have that quite yet and it has been 4 years since my second husband died.

You are not the only European member here, and I am glad to see that you felt comfortable enough to join us.  It is good for all of us to have members of this board from different locations and cultural experiences.

When I was first widowed, I was a member of another board (YWBB) that was the precursor to this board.  I found it most helpful to connect with others in a similar time table, and I hope you feel comfortable doing that yourself.

Hugs to you and your little ones,

Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness


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Re: new member here
« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2017, 06:02:42 PM »
Hugs Sara! I am so sorry for you and your children. I do understand that surreal dream like feeling. I have moments like that and as a result i got a tattoo so that not only it reminds me that I'm a different person now but that it's my personal reminder that he was a part of my life and that this is my new reality without him.

Thank you for telling us your story. It's interesting to learn how things are different in Sweden when it comes to medical decisions. Don't hesitate to talk when you need to. Hugs again.


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Re: new member here
« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2017, 10:36:39 PM »
Hi Sara.  I'm so sorry you had to join us.  At 4.5 yrs now, I too remember earlier out how it felt like my time with DH felt surreal.  It was so bizarre.  As odd as it may sound to others, I'm glad to hear I'm not alone in that horrible feeling.  How could my 20 years be surreal?  How could he be gone?  How many times I asked myself these questions.  When I heard time has a way to heal I thought to my self, bullshit.  There's no way I want this to be happening.  It's true though.  Do the work..... go through it and not around as painful as it is and very slowly it starts to change.  I truly learned what one day at a time really meant. If you need to go to one hour/minute at a time (I did),  I had to only l look at the day ahead because to look beyond hurt too much.
Keep focusing on healing and what's best for your children like you have been doing and my dear you will eventually find your way.
Big gentle hugs to you.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.


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Re: new member here
« Reply #4 on: January 11, 2018, 09:22:34 AM »

After having gone thru seeing the man I loved early having his heart suddenly stop, I understand the shock that hits you. Having to survive the month in the hospital only to lose him only adds to your shock. I went thru about the same thing but I was the one that had to decide the let Minh go after the 4 attempt to keep the heart going. He had gotten a virus 12 years earlier that went to the heart and caused damage that lead to hospitalization 8 months into our relationship. My shock lasted for a while and still I keep thinking if I had done many things different to get his doctor team to do just the little stuff different, he might still be with me.

This is the week of the anniversary of us finding each other on the dating site and having our 1st date. It is healing instead of upsetting because I got to have that amazing man in my life. I found my soulmate. I still tear up too much, but when I do I can fell Minh near giving me strength to go on. I am not too buggy about living now, but I have to make my life work again. I don't have any children to build a life around, so it will be back to being the career woman I was before Minh now that I have found a new job again.

Grieve your own way. Do what makes you feel better. I wear his cloths that fit, have lots of pictures. I am now living with my best friend who lost her partner 4 years ago and she tells me not to do either. She just put his stuff away. That what made her feel better, but I am not her.

Welcome to our club that none of us wanted to be. Reach out when you need.

Minh's Sweetie