Author Topic: Starting to Tread the Deeper Waters ... between budding and fully committed ...  (Read 2276 times)

jgib

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t2b, remember when you are sick it is much easier to get cranky over things that under other circumstances wouldn’t bother you!  :)
Sounds like you do know what is truly going on but I bet that doesn’t make it any less difficult.

trying2breathe

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Thanks, jgib - it's a good point about feeling lousy and being cranky.  I won't make any decisions until I'm feeling better - it's best to hold off on any serious discussions too.

Hope everybody is staying healthy - this flu thing is no fun!
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

arneal

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Oh, trying2, I am sorry to hear and agree with jgib -- I know I get more sensitive when I don't feel well. This is so funky and complicated!!! I wonder if it's winter blues? I don't know. Trying to think on the bright side. BF and I will be two years come Memorial Day.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

arneal

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Happy Saturday, all: I heard from BF this morning. He's had a rough go but sounded really good; he's been working out the issues, which was most necessary. I didn't have to say a thing -- he started the conversation (we talked on the phone, a weird thing that isn't typical for us lol) by apologizing for not calling to let me know what was going on. I ended the call with 'sending lots of love your way,' to which he replied 'I love you too.' We will get to talk more tomorrow. Progress.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

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Glad that you connected, arneal - good that he's aware of the lack of communication and brought it up.  I do hope that you follow up with another conversation on how much it did bother you.

Update on boyfriend - I'm feeling better and we've had a few good conversations and are doing okay right now.  The air has cleared a bit and this weekend we seemed to settle into a good routine, hope that this lasts.   Maybe it was winter & post holiday blues, combined with being sick - glad to be moving forward and out of this funk.

Hope everybody is staying healthy!
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

klim

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Hey everybody, just read through and caught up on what's up and all of a sudden I feel more normal again.

Just past the 1 year mark with NG and the up-down, yes- no feeling I get continue and I think intensified as the 1 year mark approached. It was kinda like , if I'm still having some issues and it's one year maybe this isn't a match made in heavenand I should exit and try again. But alternatively i was acknowledging it is pretty darn good and maybe perfect is not realistic. As i mentioned definitely a period of flipflopping.

arneal

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Hey klim! Ugh, it's the unknown that is so hard! Is this the one, is it not ...

I am at BF's now. We talked out a lot of things. It was harder for him than it was for me, frankly, because I didn't have to say anything. He worked through his lack of openness and his sharing of where he was emotionally was certainly deeper than I could have guessed. This week was one of serious introspection for him and in addition to coming to terms with where things are with his daughter right now, he talked about how he is grateful for me. Humbling.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

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Just past the 1 year mark with NG and the up-down, yes- no feeling I get continue and I think intensified as the 1 year mark approached. It was kinda like , if I'm still having some issues and it's one year maybe this isn't a match made in heavenand I should exit and try again. But alternatively i was acknowledging it is pretty darn good and maybe perfect is not realistic. As i mentioned definitely a period of flipflopping.

klim   My thoughts exactly as I approach one year in early February with BF.  I think that if I'm still having doubts right now, should I just call it quits and move on?  You're right that perfect is not realistic, I do love him and we are comfortable with each other.  We're working through some issues and right now things are good.  When I think back on my marriage with my LH, we had struggles and there was a time when I thought about not staying with him. This reminds me that regardless of the relationship there will be some conflict.  I'm taking it day to day, and not trying to overthink it.

arneal  So very glad that you talked it out - you mentioned not having to say anything but I hope that you will have your say.  There's a way to be loving and supportive and still get your point across.  My boyfriend tells me that he appreciates it when I call him out on his s#&t  ;D  and I also want to be called out on mine.
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

arneal

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Thanks, trying2. We did talk last night. A lot. It was amazing, actually. There are elements I won't share here because of how difficult a time this was but I am happy with the progress. I don't expect miracles. I made my point clear and he was in a place to hear it. <<< That's it right there, being in position to hear the issues. Without this thing happening with his daughter, I don't think we'd be where we are today. I am sad that it took that, but am glad that I was able to help him express his thoughts as I expressed mine. Like you, trying2, I love him and know that he loves me. Just being able to say that to one another is a big step. Now it's a matter of a continued positive trajectory. Onward!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

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arneal   I'm glad that you had a great conversation and that you feel progress - sounds like a corner has been turned and that's wonderful.  It's essential for me to keep communication going with BF and I'm thankful that he tries with me and it's taking us to a new level in the relationship.  Onward indeed!
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

arneal

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^^^ yes, trying2, gaining new levels in the relationship. If we remain stagnant, which in some cases is about how many times we want to circle the same drain, there is a problem. Patience is one thing but settling is another matter. I guess the question becomes how to know the difference. Understanding what represents settling is so very individual. Making sure to take the context of a person's life (including our own!) into account as we work through all of this is important too. I am learning more, step by step ...
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

tybec

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Doing better with NG and having regular contact and communication. Spending as much time as we can with our parenting responsibilities and activities.  New job is getting more involved, so I have other things to focus on, as well.  Started bible study.  We tried to get one together through his church or mine, but timing and topic did not work out. 

NG goes to court March 14.  He has asked me to be a witness.  UGHGG. .... I hate going to court, and have avoided it often in my work, trying to do depositions if I had to do something.  It is not about me, and I know this.  I also know his ex's family will hate me, and I am trying to be a new professional in a town that is not that big. I don't know how much influence they have here, but they are long term here, country club folks.  And she is a school administrator.   I will do it for him and his kids, but hope I don't suffer from it professionally or just become a witch to his kids as I think his ex's family will talk about me, then.  I have stayed out of the radar, away from his ex, and only crossed paths two times ever in almost 2 years.  Never have I been where the extended family are, which seems to be a big problem with stirring up problems.  His oldest is stating often that his grandparents don't like Dad, and he wonders why.   Anyway.....

klim

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I must admit I don't get all the vengeful hateful attitudes that are attached to  some divorces. I have friends whose divorces are as I see they should be....an end to something that didn't work. And yes I can see there can be disappointment and hurt involved but the hate part that just keeps on going can't be good for anyone. I know 4 divorcees well enough to know their dynamics
One, whose husband cheated on her with a younger women, now coparents and works on the upbringing of their kids quite amicably. She's just reasonable. Life goes on....
Another who was basically emotionally maltreated.....now fully realizes how bad it was and hates her ex, but still coparents with grace.
The third just fell out of love so they moved apart but still get together to celebrate major family events( graduation and even sometime over christmas they will get together) Their kids are older.
The last has the hate thing going on big time , no communication , every thing handled through lawyers .....How do people get this angry!!!
Anyways , guess I'm just saying sorry you have to deal with this.

Trying

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Current DH just finally got his court settlement and got everything he asked for, 50-50 with the kids as it should be but she has been denying him.  She lost on all of the counter suits she filed in revenge for him filing for new custody agreement.  She looked like such an ass on the stand, admitted to lying on taxes, government documents and court documents about her income stating "I didn't think I needed to include all of the money I make under the table".  When the judge asked her why she was asking for money she claims he owed her from 3-4 years ago she admitted she never asked him for it, has no receipts, and has never in 5 years given him a monthly invoice and receipts that the court ordered her to do.  She told the judge she never asked him for the money because she thought it was a "waste of her time" but not a waste of time to bring it the court.  Judge also ordered her to remove them from free state insurance because he has always covered them on his insurance and to remove them from free lunch program because he always has funded their lunch accounts.  I just wish there had been some legal repercussions for all of her fraud but at least it's over.

The anger and game playing is so hard to comprehend. 
You will forever be my always.

trying2breathe

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tybec  I feel for you on being a witness, he must think it's pretty important that you do this otherwise he wouldn't have asked.  The in-laws may talk about you - domestic issues are understandably heated but I believe that character comes through in the end and hopefully no professional harm will be done to you.

Trying  Good to know that her true colors came out in court, glad for you and your DH.

The divorce hate thing makes me wonder too. Hate is an intense emotion, makes me think that there are unresolved issues when hate is present between exes.   My brother is going through an amicable (so far) split with his wife, they're getting along better than ever now that he's filed for divorce.  It's more like they're indifferent to each other and ready to move on.  Hope that it stays this way as I hope to stay in touch with my sister-in-law.

TGIF - hope that everybody has a good weekend.
Have I told you lately how much I love you?