Author Topic: Starting to Tread the Deeper Waters ... between budding and fully committed ...  (Read 2276 times)

arneal

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I think we could probably start a thread just on hate ... sad, but true. I believe there is a self-rationale that the 'haters' perpetuate in their own psyche.

Said individual has an image in her (as this issue seems prevalent with ex-wives ... not to say that men don't react similarly but follow me down the rabbit trail) head of what her marriage was supposed to be. This image did not take into account the person of her husband, meaning that he would have his own thoughts and ideas of how things should go. Her idea, quite princess-book like, gets mashed by real life and she hates him for it, for not being what she imagined. Compound this by the experience of said ex-husband moving forward with life after her and (gasp!) finding happiness. Related to this fantasy is often the notion of the husband taking care of her needs, no matter how bizarre (I think about my DHs ex, who once told him that he had no right to question how she spent the child support money -- he argued in court that the money was for his daughter, not for the ex to buy shoes and handbags -- and at the time the judge agreed that he had no right to question!) and when he refuses to take the crap, back to hate again.

tybec -- I say this hopefully, that despite how connected the ex's family might be in the town, if she's a nutty angry woman, I can't imagine that you are the only one to see it. I feel your discomfort though since close nit small towns have a way of supporting folks for no good reason. If possible, keep an even tone as you speak, talk about what you've seen and avoid the possibility of snarky or judgmental. Been there and it's hard, but when you look like the stand-up person, the likelihood of good outcomes for you professionally and in community are higher. {{{hugs}}}
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

tybec

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Quote
of what her marriage was supposed to be. This image did not take into account the person of her husband, meaning that he would have his own thoughts and ideas of how things should go. Her idea, quite princess-book like, gets mashed by real life and she hates him for it, for not being what she imagined.

This is exactly what NG says.  His ex married him, Lt Col. and envisioned this life.  They lived large in Europe, traveling, seeing all these countries, river cruises, exciting life.  But she wanted to have kids, so out of the military and live close to her parents.  She wanted to stay home AND have all they had as DINKS.  She was a teacher but still didn’t want to work.  He worked his full time job at an Air Force base with great federal benefits and then weekends in the guard to retire full military  benefits.  She wanted a bigger home, more stuff, and it wasn’t there.  Her parents intervened. She moved home, they bought her a brand new house and keep the kids so she works now in School administration.  NG says he didn’t follow the prescribed narrative.  He didn’t do what she wanted, and she left.  Her perfect image of marriage and motherhood bashed.  He is blamed.  Poor provider.  Mind you, they never dealt with death, illness, complications like that.  Just normal marriage and having kids stuff.  Don’t know how she will manage when life hits her.  Be the victim, I guess.  You nailed it.

Their last marital therapy session was when the therapist discussed that the further your expectations were from reality/ and flexibility, the greater your discomfort and unhappiness will be.  She never returned.   😑
« Last Edit: January 27, 2018, 08:20:39 AM by tybec »

arneal

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Interesting how the pattern seems to be to leave when they don't like what they hear :-/
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Captains wife

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Tybec - do you really need to be a witness ? I feel for you being pulled into this....

I too am in a relationship where there is a seemingly hateful person trying to co-parent. Its pretty clear she (NG's ex) married him as she thought she would like a wealthy life and not have to work but when that didn't pan out she was (and still is furious) with him. Its just sad all around.

One thing Id like to point out about trying to be in a "fully committed" relationship with all this drama, exes etc in the background....is how difficult it seems to be in "fully committed" relationship. How does everyone block out this "noise" ? Im finding it hard to....

Dating, coupling has always had its challenges but trying to re-couple mid-life, post widow, with divorces, exes, children seems ultra challenging.

trying2breathe

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Tybec - do you really need to be a witness ? I feel for you being pulled into this....

^ I'm wondering this too - ?

Fully committed relationship - hmmm.  Boyfriend has two exes, both are civil and so far there's been no drama.  Boyfriend's kids however, that's a different story.  After the holidays he mentioned that at least his daughters don't live close.  I'm glad for this because if we saw them more often, well - I'm just happy to not have to deal with this.   As far as minimizing the noise, I'm grateful to again be in a good and loving relationship. Not that the frustrating stuff doesn't get annoying, but I've been asking myself if the trouble is worth it and so far the answer has been yes.  It is interesting that with the added noise, I moved very slowly to get into this relationship.  I feel close to my boyfriend and don't intend on pursing another love relationship, but whether I'll ever be able to feel 100% committed - I don't know.
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

Portside

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I feel close to my boyfriend and don't intend on pursing another love relationship, but whether I'll ever be able to feel 100% committed - I don't know.

I'm not trying to be snarky but what does that mean? What would someone hold back? Does this mean like having a *serious boyfriend*? Help me understand please.

Best wishes - Mike
The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

arneal

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To the notion of commitment -- I would say it means different things to different people. I think of my mom -- Boomer generation, retired now for over 20 years after a zillion years working in one industry, widowed for more than 20 years; she and her companion (after all, BF is weird at 50ish and seems outrageous for those over 70 lol) are committed but will not marry, do not intend on living under the same roof, but go back and forth between each other's houses during the week, and are the primary contacts for each other's doctors. I have a friend who is divorced and who cringes visibly at the notion of even having a man in her house for dinner and a movie -- for her, dating (the entry into commitment) is the step before marriage (true commitment) and living together or intimacies are taboo prior to.

That said, for me commitment may or may not include marriage. BF and I will be under the same roof soon (maybe even this weekend) as the nuclear blowup between him and his daughter meant she moved out of the apartment that he didn't want in the first place; he moved there at her bequest after telling her before she got the lease that he wanted to move further east (out here near me somewhere) for a variety of reasons but she wanted to stay over that way. We've spent the past two weekends talking about it and here we go. Here's 100% commitment for me -- we will be living in the same digs. It does not mean that I will allow for the anger and upset of his ex (about things in their relationship that pre-dates my connection to him by many years) or his daughter to disrupt the sanctuary of this home. I am very clear that this space is sacred, that what goes on here stays here, that it is a place to rest from the madness outside in the workplace and in our respective family relationships (including children).

As one of our colleagues around the boards often says, 'your mileage may vary'  ;D
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

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No snarkiness taken, good question Mike.  Sounds like something BF might ask too.

I believe also that it's a matter of semantics on how one defines commitment.  I feel that I'm in a committed relationship with BF, however there's a part of me that I don't think that I can share with him, that I'm not willing to give away. It has nothing to do with him or us together, it's how vulnerable I'm willing to be in this relationship.

It may be a defense in not giving my all because of the harsh reality of knowing that this can taken away in an instant.  It's choosing not to deal with some of the more difficult issues with him, because I don't have to. It's keeping that piece of my heart that belongs to my LH.  BF and I will not have the responsibility of raising children, may or may not get married or co-habitate.  These to me don't represent commitment, what makes me not know if I can be at 100% is that there is a part of me that I'm keeping to myself, that I'm not able to share right now.  Hope this makes some sense -
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

Portside

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No snarkiness taken, good question Mike.  Sounds like something BF might ask too.
  Hope this makes some sense -

It does. Thanks!
The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

tybec

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I understand what you are saying, Trying2breathe. I am in a committed relationship.  I don't know if we will be until death do us part.  Not there.  But there are some things that are just sacred to me and have no benefit in sharing with NG.  Things with DH and our lives together. I have some "secrets" that are mine and DH's.  Intimate things no one can know as it would be disrespectful to my life with DH, the father of my child.  I would think NG has similar things with the mother of his children, but it is tainted now due to their on going conflict. I would hope NG and I will do the same.  Have things/experiences, that will be just ours, for no one else to know, and certainly not understand, then.

Protection.   Yes, how to open up to  that kind of vulnerability.  Right now, since I am not committed to death do us part, I am not opened up 100%.  Don't have to be.  If I take that walk, then I think "I" will need to be.  Others choose their own course.

Witness at the custody hearing. Do I have to?  NO, I suppose not. But it is about his kids and him, and if I can help, I think I will.  Telling the truth or facts of my observations should not be hard.  I don't know.  Will see where things lie afterwards. He just needs someone to state that saw the kids in activities that the kids appeared fine.  We went rappelling and his youngest cried and chose not to go down.  It was not a big deal, and the trainer was superb in managing it, and she had done the same with a child of the same age prior which we all observed.  I was at the top so heard/saw it all.  The mother was angry, stating the child was not ready and, I guess, pushed the child past his comfort level, and is going to try to use this as he is a bad dad. 

I am a child therapist and my brother is a professor and trains people to be child play therapists.  I have done research prior to knowing new guy about the influence of fathers, boys being treated like defective girls (about 15 yrs. ago a hot topic), so I believe in the need for a  father figure when possible.  The research supports kids having a role model of both sexes, and usually that is a mother and father.  NOT always, we know here.  So, I don't know if they will keep my profession out of if.  I hope so.  Expert testimony is different than witness.

tybec

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Congrats Arneal!  BIG BIG CHANGES!   ;) ;D

arneal

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Gigantic changes, yes, tybec. Funny -- we are having this conversation here on the board and when I talked with my mom last night, she asked me if I was making BF sign a contract. She is worried about my protection, of me getting taken advantage of, because of her own history. I shared with her that everything is in my name, always has been. I was married to LH but bought the house in my name only, which is how he wanted it. I and my son moved in with him several months after knowing each other and into the house he rented. I then bought a house, again in just my name, before we married (we got married in our living room). That calmed her a bit. Ah, life ... Looks like BF and I will be doing the bulk of the moving this weekend. Yikes  :o ;D
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

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arneal  Yay!!  Good news, very excited for you!  Best of luck with the move this weekend!!  :D

I am very clear that this space is sacred, that what goes on here stays here, that it is a place to rest from the madness outside in the workplace and in our respective family relationships (including children).

And I love this, about your home ^^
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

azjane

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Arneal, I'm thrilled for you!

arneal

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Thank you all! I've tried not to be maniacal about the whole thing but it's hard. I feel like one of those birds on NatGeo who makes a nest and then dances to attract a mate ... I've moved things, made space, identified which drawers in dressers and in the bathroom are now available for him to populate, made space in the kitchen for additional dishes, pots and pans, and such. I haven't told him I did all that, but I spent a good bit of time last week at it. However, I think it's subtle -- if anyone were to walk in, they wouldn't be able to see much difference  :D

Thank you, trying2. One of the things I told BF a long time ago was that my home is sanctuary. Although I work from a home office, I have specific space for that. The rest of the house is where I 'live' and as such, it must be a safe place. Not having sanctuary when certain folks were here (my LH's daughter, one of his cousins who stayed with LH, me, and my son for a while a handful of years ago) is what made me institute that 'rule' ... I value it even more since I've been living alone and don't plan to change  :D
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b