Socializing > Relationships/Remarriage

Starting to Tread the Deeper Waters ... between budding and fully committed ...

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Rethinking what I envision.  I THINK I want the simple and familiar.  But I am not really ready to jump to marriage at this point in my relationship with NG.  GOOD THING, because it is complex with his custody battle in March.  Not there.
He sent me the meme:  What is the difference between “I like you” [and] “I love you”? Beautifully answered by Buddha. Buddha’s answer was so simple. When you like a flower, you just pluck it. But when you love a flower, you water it daily.

A bit super sweet, but at least he shows he listened about my concern about nurturing our relationship or it will die out.  He appears to be trying harder to give time.  Hasn't missed a work out unless he is picking up his kids for the weekend visit.  His oldest is asking for more time, and he is having some rebellion with the mother.  It is complex.

I know comparing loss is not necessary or helpful.  But I am putting this out there, good, bad or indifferent.  I KNOW he wants more time with his kids, 50/50.  And is genuinely in pain from lack of regular contact.  And the best way I have learned to cope with my loss of DH is to focus on the positive of what I have had, gratefulness.  So, I sometimes think but do not say, " Your kids have a great and involved living dad AND mom and 4 grandparents who love them, too.  My kid is fatherless, and my DH was an only child, and my kid  has one living grandparent in poor health.  HIS kids are so fortunate. I DO not say this, but it is truth.  I know, he can't understand from my point of view and I will never perhaps, get his pain either.  But there are some facts there, and he is logical...

So, by far not ready to move to marriage.  Much to work through. We are committed to each other, love each other.  But not that simple, either.

Thanks for sharing, tybec. We all are lugging around our own baggage, aren't we. BF has been feeling extra hurt about his family not caring about him; he is estranged from siblings (weird parental dynamic from Mom, who is deceased) and one of his daughters and has been mulling it over quite a lot I am sure due to the holidays ... he's sort of an all-or-nothing sort so when things are bad, everything has a gray cloud over it. I occasionally want to push back about letting go and do, gently, via my own separate social media which I know he sees. I applaud you for not saying what was on your mind about how fortunate your NGs children are. I know I am not in a marriage position. I wouldn't mind sharing space and would entertain the conversation if it came up but even that will require more work on my part. There are things I need to accomplish and can't be involved in trying to mesh expectations under the same roof at the same time  :o

tybec  I relate to the children issue, boyfriend's children and mine are young adults, his are independent and mine are in college - no custody issues.  His kids in effect have three parents - bio mother, step-mother and Dad.  My kids have just me.  When he complains about the logistics of sharing his children, I've gently reminded him and do say to him that my kids are not so fortunate.  What a gift to have three living, loving parents in a young person's life.  I struggle with being the solo parent - envision how I can lessen my chances of dying so that I don't leave my kids alone.  It's a different mind-set, he listens with compassion but it's something that he doesn't really understand.

The relationship with my boyfriend has shifted since the holidays - we had a couple weeks of down time due to visiting family, and as a result have taken a few steps back in the closeness that we shared prior to Christmas.  He's trying to get back what we had, inviting himself over and wanting to settle into the nightly routine of sharing dinner together.  I'm looking at him with a different perspective, the early fairy tale moments are fading away and reality is setting in.  It feels like this is the time to set boundaries in how we move forward, and I'm not sure what this will be.  It will be good to have some deep conversations about this and I'm not looking forward to it.  He's a methodical, fix it if it's broken kind of a guy, and we're not broken.  Hmmm ......

trying2breathe and arneal,
Thanks for your feedback.  I  appreciate it.  I wish it were black and white to make choices, but know life is full of grays.

NG and I had that difficult conversation, I believe, Nye's day.  He appears to have stepped up.  He has only missed one work out with me, and that was the weekend he  got his kids.  He stayed all this weekend, BIG Football watching, and we were iced in, so that was nice. He went to church with me, which is big as he has a church home.  He is with his kids today, as their weird schedule gave him MLK, not the whole weekend to make it a 3 day.  CRAZY.  I declined again his activities, caving in a national park.  It is free today, all national parks.
 SIDE NOTE:   But  I made arrangements for my son to be with a friend, so there is that.  His friend lost his dad the SAME yr. as my son, and they play the same instrument, enjoy the same video games, same activities, are 3 days apart in age, and his mom is a professor in early childhood education, so she and I can talk shop, as I am a kid therapist.  She has been very welcoming to me and my son.  :)

Not sure how things are going to go.  I vacillate between we are not "all in" so this relationship will not work, to "give it time, as there are many factors (people) to consider here, not just us two."  I am feeling stronger about what I will and will not accept, and I know that is good for me and mine.  Time will tell.

Glad I am not alone in this journey. 

Saturday is my sadiversary.  He has his kids this weekend, so it is good, really.  My son and I may drive to the cemetery to lay flowers and see some friends possibly there, surround ourselves with those who KNOW us, knew us as our little family. 

So right, tybec -- it is not black and white.

Interesting issue, dealing with one another's children. BF had a big (and I mean BIG) blowup with his daughter yesterday. I had gone over on Saturday and he had mentioned that there was something she had not been wanting to discuss with him about her sister/his estranged daughter. Left it at that and the evening went on. Daughter and her BF came in, she said hello sort of over her shoulder (side note -- I had given her a gift card for Christmas, which she got because BF put it under their tree since I did not see her that weekend. Not even a mumble of thank you ... I felt rather irritated by that. Even in his selfish sort of way, my son says thanks, even if it's through his care home mom) and that was it. We went on with our evening and as it got later, I prepared to leave since you need a permit to park in the development. He told me about a place just across the street where I could park and where other people park so I could stay, which I did. In the morning, all was well with my vehicle (no one else parked there that night and I get weird about that sort of thing!) and while we had coffee he offered to make a bit of breakfast if I could stay. I said I needed to dash because of my dogs (who had been inside all night alone and would need the bathroom) and to go to Sunday service. All was well with the dogs when I got home; by the time I got to church, BF and daughter had gone to war on social media. It was basically one post and her response, but he vanished for the rest of the day. In the first few months of our association I noticed that he would do that but it was never behind anything this volatile. I mean the things that caused it before were serious enough, but this ... I reached out but as of this post have heard nothing. I hope he at least went to work. My dear friend, who is so close that we call ourselves sisters, is on the same social media thread and sent him a private message, which she says he read but did not respond to, which is in its way a good sign. However, there will be a difficult conversation about letting folks know that he is ok, even if he doesn't want to talk. Such disappearances do not work well for me after the losses I have had. Here we go.


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