Starting to Tread the Deeper Waters ... between budding and fully committed ...

[klim]

Arneal I think your valentine is to have the guy, that until a shortwhile ago you didn't even refer to as boyfriend, moving in with you. That sounds like a valentine connection to me.

[arneal]

Absolutely, klim! As the old adage goes, be careful what you ask for LOL! I wanted us to grow closer this year; little did I know we'd be this close already, in the same quarters. Next is getting him to spend time with my dogs. They like him but are so used to just having me in the house. At 60 and 80 lb respectively, they are a bit much for a person to come home to because my boy (the 80 lb one) adores him and would be quite satisfied to jump in his lap. BF wants to spend time outside with them, throwing a ball, playing, as a starter. I get that. I feel bad that they've spent much of the last few days cooped up or I've had to close the family room door so they stay out. Not what they are used to. But all things take time.

We did say we'd go to the movies, probably this coming weekend, so that will be more for my birthday and Valentine's Day. I am grateful.

Interestingly though, I haven't said much to anyone about him moving in. My mom knows, as does my dear friend down the block, a sister-friend who knows BF through me, and one other. I haven't told my other family members or others who are close to me. I haven't heard from LHs daughter or any of her family members -- I suspect she and they have unfollowed or unfriended me on social media, which is okay. I've just been thinking about how interesting it will be should she just show up in California like she did eight years ago. Won't she be surprised ... not only because he's here but very soon I will be changing door locks. There are five exterior doors on this house (not including the big roll up garage door) and four keys; with top and bottom locks, we're talking eight locks on those five doors. So tired of that!

[trying2breathe]

Hope your birthday was a good one, arneal.  I get the dog issue, my rescue is 70 lbs. and high energy, she's a big part of my life.  So take me, and my dog is part of the deal.  I said this up front with guys I dated as not everybody is into big floppy puppies. Hope the move in process continues to go well, and friends and family will find out the new living arrangement in good time.

Happy Valentine's Day - going to dinner with BF at our favorite bistro, and keeping it relatively low key tonight.  I'm grateful to be in a good relationship with a good man, if anybody had told me a year ago where I'd be this Valentine's Day I would not have believed it.

[tybec]

Another week!

NG and I went out for Indian food last Sat.  New to me. New experience.  Good stuff!  We had a fight beforehand.  Unpleasant.  He had the weekend without his kids. He stayed Friday night at a homeless shelter volunteering, had things to do on Sat.  and then was late 45 minutes to go out for the night. We had a communication break down, but my issues still stem from lack of feeling a priority.  I told him time is not guaranteed, and we have limited time anyway, so 45 minutes is a big deal, not just an inflexibility issue. We had met to work out and I left to get ready. He took long so not to have to wait on me, a pet peeve. I got ready quickly so he didn't have to wait on me  We talked it out and will see where things go.  I feel needy and clingy and hate that.  I need a new friend network. Working on it and it will take time to build those bonds.

Valentine's Day:  He sent me a cake box full of sweets.  He sent it to work to share as we had a lunch meeting.  It didn't get there on time. It is huge, with things like chocolate covered strawberries, macaroons.  I posted a FB pic and got more feedback than most of my pics.  I  told him my friends were reacting to me posting about my NG. So, really an approval thing. 

Oh this dating!  Keep on, keeping on.

March 14 is the custody hearing.  Ugghh......Not about me. But NG is stressed.....

[Bunny]

So. At the beginning of this year, I chose 10 very simple things to do daily that would (hopefully) be helpful for me mentally/emotionally/physically. One of those things was to hug my bf for one whole minute. Every single day. A really good full body hug. I can’t tell you what a positive impact that has had on us, both individually and as a couple. Wow. Did a little reading and came across this article:

https://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2014/02/06/hugging.aspx

So then I started wondering about adding kissing to my list, and found this:

https://fiercemarriage.com/15-second-kiss-experiment Guess I’m doing 11 things a day now.

I can’t stress enough how much I want everyone reading this to find someone they can hug for 1 minute daily- their SO, child, pet, friend...Yeah, it feels a little awkward and silly the first few times, but after a while it feels necessary, like your day isn’t complete without it. It’s so simple and so very awesome.

[trying2breathe]

Quiet here lately - hope everybody is doing okay.

Question for those of you getting into more committed relationships - is there anything in place legally to have rights, should something happen?  I'm not speaking of financial matters, more about having the right to see your SO in the hospital should the unthinkable happen.  Or be listed as an emergency contact, and be accepted as one to speak on your SO's behalf.  It's so strange, this new life.  Have any of you given thought to this?

[Portside]

Or be listed as an emergency contact, and be accepted as one to speak on your SO's behalf.  It's so strange, this new life.  Have any of you given thought to this?

Yes, before I remarried, but immediately after my fiancée and I decided we were we in it for the long haul, I had her specified as my health advocate and ICE contact. Did all the paperwork then too. It was the thing to do - the kids loved her and I trusted her to make the appropriate decisions, if it came to that.

One other thing - although I have 7 siblings, none live close enough to quickly respond to an emergency involving me. So, I had a card in my wallet and notes in my phone telling responders that my children would be alone if I didn't get home on time (or at all). For me, the worst thing in the universe would have been for me to be injured/killed in an accident, and my boys sitting at home waiting for Daddy to come home.

It didn't happen but that's what worried me. I made R. promise that in case of real trouble, tend to the kids first and me second. 

Good luck - Mike

[trying2breathe]

Yes, before I remarried, but immediately after my fiancée and I decided we were we in it for the long haul, I had her specified as my health advocate and ICE contact. Did all the paperwork then too. It was the thing to do - the kids loved her and I trusted her to make the appropriate decisions, if it came to that.

Do you think you would have done this if you weren't engaged?  BF and I do not speak of marriage, whether this will ever happen I don't know.  I feel unprepared to manage should either of us have health issues.  I'm not close with either of his daughters, and have met just one of his five siblings.  Maybe I'm jumping ahead on this, but I'm feeling uneasy on what could happen.

[Portside]

No - we would not have had health care POA, etc., for each other if we were not engaged. It's all a tough call no matter where you are in your relationship. You have to go with your gut.

I have friends of 20+ years that I wouldn't grant any POA rights to. I love them but, well, you know. 

You have to decide what is best for you and your family.

It isn't easy.

Mike

[Trying]

I have to say that this was one of my issues of concern back when I wasn't sure if I wanted to be legally married again.  If other things didn't make me change my mind about marriage I would've wanted POA and medical proxy.

  Like Portside said, I think you have to go with your gut.  Who would you want to be responsible if something happened to you?  Would you want to be the one responsible for NG?  Tough questions.

[trying2breathe]

Thank you for the input.  Talked with BF last night, we both agreed that should something happen to either of us we'd at least want hospital visitation rights.  I'm not ready to assign him POA, and don't want to take this on for him either. We both agreed that it will be good to get our paperwork in order.  I feel better now that we've had this conversation but it is tough.

[tybec]

Tough topic.  POA and other legal arrangements. Prompted here, I brought it up last night to NG, also.  He joked a bit, as someone who has not dealt with loss and finds it uncomfortable t discuss. But he did say I am his ICE now on most documents.  I have put him down also, as I know few folks here, moving to a new city. 

So, no head way on anything legal, but we are not even engaged.  He poured on the commitment talk last night, though, interestingly.  I had brought up his sons are the center of his life and used a quote he knew about a relationship but it was originally geared towards husband and wife.  He heard me and stated it was so but he wished he could be more "normal" with his kids and hopes it to change when  he has more time with them, so it is not like this always.  Not sure he liked my comparison, but he didn't disagree.  Later, he told me his kids were temporarily his center of life, and I would be his permanent.  Not sure how I feel about that.  The waiting....

Anyway....

[arneal]

Hi all -- it's felt like forever since I checked in on you all! Thanks to those of you who pm'ed and otherwise have been sending prayers and good vibes. This will probably be a long check-in so you might want to get a comfy blanket lol!

So we finished moving all of BF's stuff to my house on President's Day. It was hard because his daughter is still not speaking and has cut off all ties. I had cleaned out my garage but now it's all full again, which makes me laugh every time I go out there. My LH is probably belly-laughing as well; I was so proud of my Operation Find the Garage after he died and then got a full head of steam after BF and I talked about him moving here. Little did I know it would be all full up again in less than a week after I got it empty and organized 

It is interesting to share space with someone again. It's been so stressful as moving always is, so he hasn't spent much time with my dogs. I struggle with that one because they and I are a pack; they spend all the time, roaming the house at will (except certain spaces) and now they spend a good bit of time in one room when he gets in from work. It's a matter of us both having the time and energy to play with them. They adore him but almost too much. It will happen though so no worries.

To your points about POA and so on. We haven't had those conversations but -- and here's the other new happening since I was here with you all -- my job became full time so I will have benefits again (it's been five years since employer-provided healthcare) and I after thinking all this time I'd removed LH from my emergency contacts, I went in today to see that I had not. Anyway, knowing that today was the first day full time, I asked BF last night about putting him down as my emergency contact. He agreed immediately, told me he had put me down as his already, and figured it was a given. I felt sort of bad that I hadn't made that leap like he did but hey, who knows how these things work  I could see having him as my POA with a stipulation that my son gets a piece of the pie should anything happen to me. As this is my property and BF doesn't own any property, I can envision him thinking it's either no big deal or being agreeable. However, I am honestly not ready to have that deep of a conversation yet since all these changes are so new.

Bunny -- I wonder if BF read that article. He's big on hugs. He'll do a one-minute hug at various times of day. Likes to touch randomly, like will come up when I am washing dishes. The most interesting moment was during a video conference call I was on with a student; BF came in from work and even though he saw I was on the call, he came over, kissed me on the corner of my mouth (instead of a full on kiss since I was talking) and wandered off. I didn't say anything to my student but we just kept on with our meeting.

I was talking with my mom about a week ago; she's invited us both to come visit during the summer. I have work commitments anyway and haven't brought it up to BF yet. I am glad my mom is open. However, I am struggling about how to approach any potential conversations with people who 1) don't know I've been dating for nearly two years and 2) certainly don't know the person I've been dating has moved into my house!

Hoping you all are doing well. Now that things are settling, I should be back to more regular check-ins on everyone!

[TheWidowWhisperer]

@tybec you reminded me of something I have difficulty with in new relationships. I love children (not all of them, but most), I even have professional experience with them. However, I do not have any by choice. Before anyone gets Cruella Deville thoughts, I spend time with a neighbor 2-year-old every single day. That said, dating someone who prefers the company of his child to time with adults is something I can't handle. Being a good parent is very attractive, being a lousy adult is not. It doesn't seem to matter how old the child is. I have come across the same quality in grandfathers as I have fathers of school-age children. Perhaps it's the guilt of the divorce. I suspect it's something else. I think they use their children as a source of low-risk emotional connectivity. I am not a princess (sigh) and I have many close friends and important relationships outside of that of a primary partner. But if I'm committed, my partner comes first. (and yes, I think a child's NEEDS must come first, but the RELATIONSHIP between parent and child does not.) As much as I would love to be part of a large and close family (by virtue of partnering) I'm not sure it's really in my future.

[arneal]

Perhaps it's the guilt of the divorce. I suspect it's something else. I think they use their children as a source of low-risk emotional connectivity. I am not a princess (sigh) and I have many close friends and important relationships outside of that of a primary partner. But if I'm committed, my partner comes first. (and yes, I think a child's NEEDS must come first, but the RELATIONSHIP between parent and child does not.) As much as I would love to be part of a large and close family (by virtue of partnering) I'm not sure it's really in my future.

Thank you for this, TWW. You gave me a bit of insight about a neighbor-friend of mine. She and her adult daughter are more like sisters (she had her daughter at a young age so now it's like they've caught up with each other or something. Not super-early but there's about 19-20 years difference). They spend all their time together nearly; the daughter expresses an opinion about the mom's choice of date and the mom stops dating. I never got it but your comment above helps.

Yes, partner first and needs of child first as well. Interesting you mention this as I have struggled about what to tell my adult child (and LH's daughter) about my current relationship. It's boiled down to me saying nothing since I am the 'parent' and don't owe them an explanation about what I am doing. However, I often think I want to say something to LH's daughter because of her temperament. I have this recurring thought of seeing her show up at my door, expecting to stay here and having to introduce her to BF in that tense moment. I am not convinced she wouldn't!