Author Topic: Starting to Tread the Deeper Waters ... between budding and fully committed ...  (Read 5321 times)

klim

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Trying to breathe...you may have to dig deeper into the dealbreaker issue. It sounds as if that was a sweep it under the rug type of response, but maybe it's that simple truth for your guy to say ,"if it hurts my chances with You I won't do it"

I know that my guy is very responsive to critiques of his actions and has changed his handling of certain things because of conversations we've had. I must say though I do watch for his reverting back.....and I think it has slowed down my ability to fully commit........I need to to know that the changes are perminent and not just an act.

Basically I want to believe , and am giving it a chance but still after a year and 3months am cautious.

arneal

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Bliss indeed ... BF is home today. He hurt his knee, hyper-extended it or something, and was limping about this morning. He is being subjected to my dogs all day, as well as the noise from the tv as I get work done. I kept my regular schedule, went to the gym, came home and showered ... he'll get a taste of what my normal day is like :)

tybec -- it is interesting how our schedules orbit around our new SOs and the blending of families. As Trying2 said, it is possible to travel with kids if planned properly. Not as much grown-up fun in some ways, but still :)

Virgo -- good to see you here and thanks for your question! BF and I have been seeing each other for two years come the end of May. He moved in this past February, but as Trying2 said, we all move at different paces. I've been widowed twice and lived with both husbands prior to marriage so the live-in thing is no biggie in a way. This is very different than the last two major relationships for sure so I am not comparing. I've blocked a lot of the first marriage process from my mind in an effort to heal from it but I moved in with LH (my second husband) within a few months of knowing him. I met him in August and before Christmas my son and I were basically living in the house he shared with his dad. We moved in for real (as in I gave up the apartment I had for my son and I) the next summer so my son wouldn't switch schools mid-year. It took BF and I more than a year and half to move in together and marriage is not a conversation at this point. If it happens, it happens ...

klim -- good point about knowing changes are permanent. Change is difficult for us all; if no one has ever 'held his feet to the fire' in relationship, it may take a few times of getting burned for those changes to stick. Does that create a deal-breaker as Trying2 mentioned it might be in her case? It's always tough to say, isn't it? Plus, what is a deal-breaker for one is not to another, so there's that.

This relationship building is not easy for sure ...
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

tybec

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Virgo,

NG and I are over 2 yrs.  but I just moved to his town 8 months ago.   3 kids between us so moving slow for all that but commitment is there. 

NG got a new job a yr ago so 2 weeks vacation only.  It will be used for his children he only sees 4 days a month and every other week in the summer.  A trip to Europe for us where he lived 13  plus yrs is nice to hear but not realistic for years.  He has never taken time off for me yet.  Dealing with custody of his kids. 

We are planning a vacation this summer with me and my son in separate quarters.  Can’t have us together due to custody fight.   That’s the facts.  Anyway...

Virgo

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Thanks everyone for sharing. I was just curious. I think I'll stay in the budding relationships thread. I'll just read here. My guy and I have been seeing each other since August, but officially dating since November. Things are going well, but of course I'm still cautiously optimistic.
Jen

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

trying2breathe

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I appreciate all of you and the conversations here, it's been a big help to me in my relationship.  I wasn't planning to mention details of my deal breaker, but would like feedback on what everybody thinks.

On Saturday, a childhood friend and his GF visited my BF,  they all had lunch and an afternoon of reminiscing and celebration which included (found out later) for BF only - quite a bit of beer.  I arrived early evening and we all left for dinner - my BF driving.  It became pretty apparent that he was driving impaired, if I had known that he had been drinking I would have taken the wheel.  He fessed up to drinking and said that he thought he was fine.  I will never put up with this again.  He said it would never happen again - what bothers me most is that it happened in the first place.  This hasn't happened before in over a year of us being together.  A one-off, or a sign of what's to come?  I don't know. Thoughts?
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

Portside

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He said it would never happen again - what bothers me most is that it happened in the first place.  This hasn't happened before in over a year of us being together.  A one-off, or a sign of what's to come?  I don't know. Thoughts?

Eh, if it only happened this once, I'd let it slide but ensure he understands this is not acceptable to you. A mistake to be sure but not necessarily a harbinger of what's ahead.

Good luck - Mike
The one who blesses others is abundantly blessed; those who help others are helped. (Proverbs 11:25)

arneal

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My BF is quick to say he's a lightweight when it comes to drinking; if we have whiskey, I can certainly take in more than him. However, and besides I am certainly not a beer fan, I agree with Mike that you will want to be clear that it was unacceptable (and darned dangerous!) -- consider tempering it with 'don't mind if you have a few but let me or whoever hasn't been drinking take the wheel'.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

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I don't know - the layers are getting peeled back and I'm not liking what's there.  The drinking & driving issue is one part of it, but there's more that's bothering me about us together.  Again I'll let this settle and see where we go from here.  Seems that I'm doing this a lot lately .......
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

arneal

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Trying2 -- it is important to listen to instinct, that 'still small voice' of the Creator, meant for our good. Take your time, be gentle with yourself. Maybe step back from him for a little bit to give yourself time to think about the whole picture ... {{{hugs}}}
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

sudnlysngl

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Trying2 -- it is important to listen to instinct, that 'still small voice' of the Creator, meant for our good. Take your time, be gentle with yourself. Maybe step back from him for a little bit to give yourself time to think about the whole picture ... {{{hugs}}}

I absolutely agree with arneal on this! I wish I had listened to mine. If I had of, I wouldn't be getting a divorce right now as I type this!

All of the signs were there and I ignored them, telling myself that I was being to picky, or to hard on others, etc.

Damn it wasn't my gut telling me to pay attention and run the other way.....

I am emotionally, physically, financially, and mentally paying for it now.

Please take the time for you and really look at all of it, and don't just settle :-\

arneal

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Sudnly -- praying that you are caring for yourself at this difficult time :( {{{hugs}}}
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

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Thank you, I'm taking some time and hoping to get a perspective on the bigger picture.  He's a good person, and in some ways I feel that we're perfect together.  There's nothing easy about this.

sudnlysngl  Hoping for some peaceful days ahead for you ((hugs))
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

klim

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Trying2  instinct is  sometimes hard to figure out... sometimes i think it's accurate and protects us but sometimes i think it's set in high gear and we're hyper reactive to thing that a fall in the normal range. Like a deer running from a photographer because they think he's a hunter. The "taking time and getting perspective" sounds wise.

I ran into situation this weekend. I went over to NG's place Friday night and we went out, grabbed dinner and then back to his place and I spent the night. It is our normal routine and it was a pleasant time but nothing extra special but by the end of the night he was gushing with "I love you like crazy.... "

Now He's always been ahead of me with the love and such feelings but the best I could say was love you too. And it made me very thoughtful, It's like I make his world wonderful and without me it's dull. Where as I view my life as it's good and I enjoy being with him.  I'm just not a person of extremes , never have been. i was thinking I don't ever think I told DH that I loved him like crazy or at least not with the zeal that NG does. I don't think I'll ever be saying it to NG. I must say it feels wrong to not respond with an equally enthusiastic response declaring my love, but it's not my style....I'm very even keeled.

Maybe I was just a little too introspective this week, Wednesday it was 5 years since DH passed.

tybec

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Klim,

I think like you stated, you just have to find how you all express yourselves and go from there. Learning the new "love languages" of each.

My LH was a singer, serenaded me, others, all the time. You heard him before you saw him.  He could listen to Metallica, Elvis, Indigo Girls, Adele, Jim Croce, Johnny Cash, Bruno Mars, Train, Patsy Cline etc. His range of music genres was extensive. I love music and it speaks to me, and songs make me smile or weep.  So much history in 28 years, so music triggers it all.  He also was demonstrative, and I was not.  My mother actually stated how good it was to have my LH in our family as we were quite stiff in that department. 

NG  - he sings and knows music, too.  But he does not use it to connect like my LH.  We were out at a club and these old 70s love songs were playing by a band, and he was singing, but not TO me. LH would have grabbed me, danced and sung every last word.  I have had to learn NG is so different in how he demonstrates his love.

Now, NG will sing like a bird with a little bourbon in him. He will say these deep wonderful things of love to me, the kind of things every woman wants to hear.  I have teased him, asked if he remembered what he said, and he always does.  It is cute, but makes  me wonder, too.  Does he mean it?  Are his inhibitions just down?  Or is it the alcohol talking?  He does not have a drinking problem. I am in mental health and watch stuff way too closely, poor man... ;)

Sorry about the sadiversary. 5 years is a big marker for many reasons.
« Last Edit: April 15, 2018, 08:43:57 AM by tybec »

trying2breathe

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Appreciate the responses, this past week went well and I'm hopeful that the relationship can continue in a good way.  In the past I've made quick decisions in the heat of emotion, and have regretted it.  It's much better for me to take a wait and see attitude.  I also remind myself of questions and doubts while with LH, dating and marriage, and we were together for 20 happy years.  The doubts are part of being in a relationship I guess .....

klim  I too relate to him being ahead of me with love and those feelings, and freely expressing them while I reply I love you too.  I haven't responded enthusiastically either, and wonder if this bothers him.  He told me a few months ago that he wishes that we had met 30 years ago, and I couldn't reply the same way.   

Five years  .......  ((hugs))


I have had to learn NG is so different in how he demonstrates his love.


^yes!

« Last Edit: April 16, 2018, 07:20:44 AM by trying2breathe »
Have I told you lately how much I love you?