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The young males

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Help, not sure what I am doing wrong or if I am doing things correctly. 

I will try to be brief.

I have two sons 23 and 19 years old.  My oldest has been working for a couple of years full time and refuses to pay me anything. My youngest is in college and pays his car insurance and his cell phone. His brother never did that at the same age.  My youngest son thinks I gave too much to my oldest son ( correct on that one), that we don't feel like a family anymore and all I care about it money. I am working three jobs and I still find it hard to stay afloat. I would like to retire someday and put more money away. My biggest expense is the groceries. I spend $350-400 a week (I kid you not)

My oldest just bought a new car and paid for it all of with the money he has saved.  Great for him, I asked him for rent again only $400 a month and he said he would buy his own food.  It is a start but I still doubt he will do it, and how do I keep him eating the food that in the house but maybe he will.

My sons just don't get that I am not made of money, I am sorry they don't have a father but they don't seem to give a rats ass about me. 

I just don't seem to able to reason with them?  Any advice please. 

I typically do not give parenting advice but you asked so i am going to be as honest as i can. I have two sons, 22 and 18. The oldest is living at home as he finishes up college here in town and expects to move out at the end of the summer, the youngest is away at college.

My wife and I had a policy in our house. One she originally espoused. When you turn 18 you are either in college or working. If you are working and you still live at home you are paying rent.

My advice, is have your oldest pay rent or move out. He is twenty-three and he needs to become a responsible adult member of society. He needs to respect you, your needs, and the sacrifices you have made raising him.

In the long run you are doing him no favors letting him delay growing up.


--- Quote from: Needytoo on January 31, 2018, 12:06:27 PM ---
I just don't seem to able to reason with them?  Any advice please.

--- End quote ---

Yeah, this can be a huge PITA. Don't confuse yourself - reasoning has very little to do with this whole thing. :) Your actions will be guided by how committed you are to your desired outcome. (We all do this whether or not we know it.) Actually, it's more a what are you willing to trade for your desired outcome.

I'm assuming your desired outcome is either 1) Oldest pays a modest rent to help with the household expenses or 2) he moves out and, as a consequence, your household expenses are substantially reduced or 3) pays for his own groceries and relieves the pressure on your finances.

My last child (23) is currently living at home. Each of my 5 others are now out. Each of them had their own issues, life choices, financial situations each of which played into how and when they moved out permanently. I had to adopt different strategies for each as they are/were wildly different.

If your son doesn't follow through on getting his own groceries and providing you some financial relief, what are you willing to do? Force him out? I had to push (read *throw*) my daughter out after multiple blow-ups regarding her lifestyle and the scum she dragged home. But, I didn't do it all at once. After I determined she had to go, I told her so - but in a nice way, and pointed out how this was in her own interest (a bit of a stretch but so what), set a date by which she needed to be gone and helped her put a plan in place so that she could find a place and plan for affording it.

I think the big part of why this was successful was she had an endpoint and I showed her that it would work. She warmed to the idea of having her own place and eventually, started to do the work that was necessary for it to be successful. However, I was firm that by such and such a date, she would be out, whether she was ready or not. Very firm. I was fully prepared to throw her shit out of the front door on the end date if that's what it came too. Perhaps that was evident in my personality and encouraged her to seek a easier path.

So - as this relates to your situation, maybe give him a week or two to see whether he honors his commitment to buy his groceries. Even if he does, are the financials working for you? If they aren't, something else will need to be done. If his grocery buying plan went up in smoke, well then, you have your answer and you'll need to decide what you can live with. He's a big boy, he can live on his own now. Perhaps he needs a push from you. Maybe even a big push. If that suits you, set a date, help him plan and stick to it.

My daughter made me unhappy in my own home. She's out now and we have a fine relationship - much better than it was.

Perhaps your experience will be similar - Good luck!!

None of this is easy but you can do it. It really will be for his own good. He'll realize it at some point.

ps - I don't know what I did differently than you but I rarely spent that much in groceries. Wow! They ARE eating you out of house and home. 

pss - The last one home works and pays rent. He is moving to Dallas shortly to seek his fortune. On his own, with no push from me. :)


Good luck NT,  I echo what you advice you have been given by both guys! Sometimes tough love can be the best love when it's needed for you and for him.

Thank you for all your advice.

Last night I talked to my youngest and he thinks I am the vilest human being on the planet for making his older brother pay for his own food. He even suggested that I should give up my hobbies to save money (first time in my life I am allowing myself to have hobbies and I am 51 years old). I told him, he has no right to tell me what to do with my money.  He went on and on how his life sucks and how I don't want him to succeed etc.  It hurt to see him so angry at me but I stood my ground. 

My oldest came home and seem to be ok with all of it, even said he knows I am teaching him so he can live on his own.  I will take this as progress. 

My oldest has made things very difficult for everyone in the house on and off for a while now.  If he fails on this I will set a date where he has to move out and if he doesn't I will have the Sheriff department help me. This is extremely hard on me because I know there is a chance where our relationship will be over forever but then I do hear the stories where the relationship is restored and is better because of it. I understand Portside how you feel, you give me inspiration.


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