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2/2, my least favorite day of the year (also my turn for the 5 year post)

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Today is my least favorite day of the year.  On February 1, 2013, my husband (though in a coma) turned 50.  On February 3, 2013, he died.  So February 2 has become this weird no man's land for me.  I'm ok with all of this since its been 5 years and these are simply days on the calendar like every other day but the thing bothering me right now is this:

My husband was one of the first cohort of artists to occupy the first collaborative artists' studio spaces in our town.  The organization was one of the first efforts to revitalize the blasted out ruin of the campus of Bethlehem Steel, once the world's largest steel producer whose demise decimated our town.  He was super-involved not just with the growth of the organization but with the organization's programming with at risk youth in our community and public art works commissioned for the neighborhood.  He was beloved there and is still remembered and loved.  Anyway....

We spent a lot of time there all those years ago.  Our daughter was a little celebrity there, running around the halls as a toddler and popping into studios and eating all of the snacks people put out during open houses.  The other artists and administrators were dear friends (some still are).  We had his memorial there a month after he died.  I tried to go once to their First Friday event with my daughter maybe not even a year after he died, and it was a disaster.  I haven't been back since, except for another memorial service - sigh. 

But tonight we're going because one of my former colleagues who is a dear friend is having an opening and I want to support him as he's supported me.  Andy will be with me (he's never been) and that will help; my daughter will be there with us, too, so a little concerned how it might impact her precarious tweeny emotions. 

I'm just hoping I can hold it together; people are going to talk about him and I know it.  Am just going to have to brace myself for that.  I know I can do it, but the timing is uncanny - why did it have to fall on this "in between" day?  February 2 was always the day I took off - not his birthday or the anniversary of his death but the day in between.  A day I just took for myself and shut the world out.  This will be the first year I don't do that - not by a long shot! 

Wish me luck, widowed sisters and brothers.  I'm hoping it brings me more a feeling of "homecoming" this time than the terror I felt when I tried to go back too soon. 

Five years.  Hard to believe.  Thanks for letting me tell that story. 

Sending you warm vibes and prayers.  What a development for you?  Can you say test? GEEZ!  I don't believe in coincidences. You will get through it.  Hopefully as gracefully as possible.  (((HUGS)))

Will keep you close in my thoughts. That is a tough one, especially given the timing, but I’m hoping you and your daughter find some healing moments, maybe even slices of joy.

I briefly attended the car show my husband began (and I helped him with) mere months after his death and it totally SUCKED. He was absolutely adored and I was crazy with grief, incapable of enjoying any of it. I walked away from it all, never wanting to participate or attend again. Five years later I had a booth at the show to sell a huge collection of stuff I no longer had any use for, that were now a burden. It was definitely a challenge while setting up, but the protective numbness kinda set in which made it easier to deal. It was good seeing old friends/acquaintances, it was weird and relieving to be unknown now to so many. My boyfriend was there helping out- felt super awkward for me at times, but what could I do but roll with it? I survived and so will you.

We wids are tough. We make it through what ever comes our way.  I wish you luck. Let us know how it goes.


Thanks, team widow!  I just had the horrific thought that some of my *other* former work colleagues might also show up for the opening.  I didn't exactly resign under optimal circumstances and I don't want to see them and they sure as hell don't want to see me.  Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst!  Will certainly report back. 


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