Socializing > Social Encounters

BIL creeping me out...

(1/4) > >>

I lost my husband about 4 years ago- and my BIL lost my sister about 2 years ago.
I've been trying to be supportive and we text about twice a month..just say HI- and see how each other is doing- plus we see each other though the year at family events. He is a nice guy and has always been a great BIL. He told my quite early on after he lost my sister that he though it would make sense if we started dating. I told him then... in a nice way- that will never happen...but I wanted to be supportive of him as I kinda knew what he must be going thru- plus I felt like I was looking out for him on my sister's behalf.

This past summer we went to have lunch and to see a movie...I made it clear..just as friends to support one widow to another widower- I knew he was lonely and did not get out much- so I though it would do him good. He again asked me if I would consider dating him- and I said no- you are like a brother to me- I've known you since I was a teen- we are both now in our 50's. I told him you are a great guy, but it would just be too creepy- and I could not ever see myself doing that. He said he understood and dropped it. But I still felt a little uncomfortable around him.

Now about 8 months later- he texted me asking me again if I'd consider being his "girlfriend". I am getting creeped out again. I did not text back- and his last text said...I guess the answer is No? I know hes lonely and drinks way more than he should...seems like he's going thru a down time again- which I understand.

 I am wondering if I should mention to my niece? (we are pretty close...I was really close to my sister too.) She did know that we did go out and I made it clear to her and the rest of my family- it was just to support him- nothing romantic. Everyone said- Yeah - that would be a little weird. I said- don't worry It's not ever going to happen.

About a year ago- His kids signed him up for a dating site- he mentioned it to me- but said he did not respond to anyone- I encouraged him to give it a try if he was ready. (He asked me if I'd consider a dating site- and I told him I was not ready- I still felt like I had to work on myself yet- and that's a whole other long story...)

Any advise on how to handle this situation- and not make it weird- we are a pretty large close family- as I said above I am really close to his children-(they are older- late 20's) and we have several family gatherings throughout the year..but now I feel like I want to just avoid him.


--- Quote from: piecesofapart on February 05, 2018, 05:07:46 PM ---.but now I feel like I want to just avoid him.

--- End quote ---

Well, then just avoid him if that is what you want to do. It may be impossible at family gatherings but simply be firm and unchanging - *No, BIL, I will not date you. Sorry.* Don't say anything that could be read by him as "Ah, I have a chance!" Such as, "I like you but. . . .", "You're a great guy but. . . .", things like that.

It sounds like he may always have the pilot light lit for you - don't do anything to cause it to be turned into a torch. It already bothers you.

And heavens no, don't say anything to your niece. What good can come of that? You may embarrass her and to what end? Are you hoping she tells her Dad to lay off? If she does, everyone would be embarrassed and hurt then. You don't owe your niece any explanation of whom you date or don't date. Or to explain to her that her Dad is a creep. You're relationship with your niece will be forever damaged. Even if it is the truth.

Simply keep telling him "No", in your own way and hopefully, he finally accepts it.

Good luck - Mike

PoaP I'm agreeing with Portside on this one.  Stay gently firm with your BIL and please don't involve your niece.  I too think it could possibly damage your relationship with her. Your BIL will eventually find his way and hopefully this will all blow over.
Hugs to you.

I agree, the recently widowed father of my son's good friend made several attempts to date me a couple years ago. He didn't take a gentle no for an answer, and trying to help him with other things, or just be nice and social only made things harder. I had to go to ignoring, except for texts having directly to do with our sons.

I never said anything to my son, or his friend obviously. That just would have embarrassed everyone involved. Sometimes kindness is seen as encouragement or leaving the door open and you have to be a little more harsh than you'd like to be, unfortunately.

I would be blunt and clear, and keep it just between the two of you.  If it were me, I'd text: "The answer is no.  The answer is forever no and will forever be no, and if you want a friendship/family relationship to continue, this needs to be the end of this conversation." 


[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

Go to full version