Author Topic: The Old divorce comparison  (Read 434 times)

Adley

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The Old divorce comparison
« on: February 14, 2018, 12:40:32 PM »
It'll be four years in March. And NOW my Dad tells me how losing Jessica is like getting divorced. Over the phone. Out of all the ridiculous things in that conversation, that one hurt the worst. I can't believe how friends and family have changed or shown wh they are since my wife died. I do have wonderful siblings though.....just a vent. I don't know how my family outside myself and three children has remained intact after all the effed up input and opinions over the last four years. Furious! Thanks guys...
Here's to my pretty young wife     sleepin amongst the stars           now they say what's hers is mine but I know what's ours is ours

Julester3

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Re: The Old divorce comparison
« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2018, 09:33:45 PM »
These types of insensitive comments pop up in various conversations I have with people and it makes me wince every time. However I decided that I don't waste energy on it other than that brief flash of WTF. Then it's whatever and I move on. I chalk it up to their inability to be truly sensitive or even logically think about what they are actually saying. If I reacted every time this happened to me, I'd probably have been committed for going postal on them. Vent away!

soloact

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Re: The Old divorce comparison
« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2018, 11:14:05 PM »
A friend refers to this as mouth in overdrive, brain in neutral.

Adley

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Re: The Old divorce comparison
« Reply #3 on: February 15, 2018, 12:36:20 AM »
Thanks Julester and Soloact for the replies, I guess I need some validation! And these days, this is the only place I can get it. Y'alls comments mean the world to me. I know that you care, and you know that I care, and that keeps me up for another day. That comparison that I threw out there has been done to death, but it shocks and hurts the widowed ears every time.
Here's to my pretty young wife     sleepin amongst the stars           now they say what's hers is mine but I know what's ours is ours

Mizpah

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Re: The Old divorce comparison
« Reply #4 on: February 15, 2018, 09:08:32 AM »
Totally the same!  Except for that whole dead instead of alive thing!  Minor detail....

xoxo
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

beth_krkswidow

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Re: The Old divorce comparison
« Reply #5 on: February 15, 2018, 01:43:20 PM »
People are idiots.  I used to be a nice person.
Now I pretty muxh hate people
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...

Adley

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Re: The Old divorce comparison
« Reply #6 on: February 16, 2018, 12:56:44 PM »
Right Mizpah, it's the difference in disliking someone who's alive and loving someone who is not.....
Here's to my pretty young wife     sleepin amongst the stars           now they say what's hers is mine but I know what's ours is ours

Trying

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  • aka MissingmyTim
Re: The Old divorce comparison
« Reply #7 on: February 17, 2018, 06:42:50 PM »
This used to make me so angry, sometimes still does.  The mother of my son's friend who kept telling me she knew "exactly" what I was going through and wanted to meet for coffee so she could share tips on being a single mom, then proceeded to tell me that Tuesdays, Wednesdays and every other weekend were best for her because her kids would be with their Dad. Yup, exactly the same.
You will forever be my always.

Adley

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Re: The Old divorce comparison
« Reply #8 on: February 17, 2018, 10:19:47 PM »
Yeah, THAT could bring to mind a long string of profanity. Please!
Here's to my pretty young wife     sleepin amongst the stars           now they say what's hers is mine but I know what's ours is ours

Julester3

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Re: The Old divorce comparison
« Reply #9 on: February 18, 2018, 08:03:24 AM »
My own MIL pulled that on me that she could understand how it's like being a single parent because Josh's dad would travel for work. I know how that is like because Josh was a consultant and I often was the only one with the kids for long stretches on my own (4-5 days a week for 4 years was the longest contract) but losing my spouse - my lover,my best friend, my partner, father to my children who was always a part of our lives forever gone? She doesn't know how that's like and she likes to compete that her grief is worse than mine. This frustration will never go away so I have to employ tactics so I'm not angry all the time. Takes so much energy to be mad.

Bunny

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Re: The Old divorce comparison
« Reply #10 on: February 18, 2018, 06:20:42 PM »
I’ve gotten variations on that from relatives, friends, and acquaintances. At one time I actually tried to explain why that kind of thinking was inaccurate but then discovered each time the person never wanted to hear it. Ever. So I’d ended up frustrated, hurt, or feeling invisible to that person.  Yeah, it still annoys the shit out of me but I just kinda let the comments sit there by themselves and don’t bother engaging in it anymore beyond the bare minimum.

Hmmm...I guess one could always try to figure out a go-to response to use, like; ‘here’s hoping you never hafta find out how wrong you are!’ then give a big smile and talk about the weather.

Yeah, there are people who I know truly love me that I give a pass to, but I do take note that they are NOT who to turn to when I’m feeling the need for a bit of tea and sympathy...
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

soloact

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Re: The Old divorce comparison
« Reply #11 on: February 18, 2018, 07:31:23 PM »
A few years after my husband died I got a call out of the blue. The caller told me she and her husband have separated. I told her I'm sorry. She went on to tell me how lucky I am. I know where my husband is and don't have to worry that he is with another woman.

I continued to listen while looking for the slap button on my phone.

Makes ya wnder.

Adley

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Re: The Old divorce comparison
« Reply #12 on: February 19, 2018, 12:11:11 AM »

I continued to listen while looking for the slap button on my phone.

Makes ya wnder.
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That. And Bunny's right, they never want to hear it. Just wanna opine.
And the travel comparison?! 😤
Here's to my pretty young wife     sleepin amongst the stars           now they say what's hers is mine but I know what's ours is ours

TheWidowWhisperer

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Re: The Old divorce comparison
« Reply #13 on: February 19, 2018, 07:00:34 AM »
Thank you for this. The divorce comparison has always confused me. By definition a divorce is when a marriage is working out! I've had people say things such as; "Oh, I totally get it, I just found out my high school girlfriend died." or "My dad died."
First off, it's not a competition. But more to the point, losing the rhythm of your life, your very definition of being is a unique loss.

Brenda

Captains wife

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Re: The Old divorce comparison
« Reply #14 on: February 22, 2018, 01:11:33 PM »
Such different losses - I get so crazy when I hear divorced people (including my NG) mourn how hard it is to be a single parent. Ummmm - I understand its tough, I don't dismiss the hardships of divorce and divided parenting but its NOT the same or even close to the kinds of issues we deal with as widows/ers/truly single parents.