Author Topic: Was going to marry him but didn't ... broke up with him ... and then he died. :(  (Read 247 times)

Rudderless

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I found him, my soulmate, the love of my life. What we had was so far beyond what either of us had ever experienced before. I was totally going to marry him.

We went through some really difficult shit. Business partnership implosions (with other people), a toxic and depressed ex (mine), my kids struggling with anxiety and depression over that. It all took its toll on our relationship. We both knew it did. We fought to keep and rediscover what we once had. But it just kept slipping through our fingers and I didn't know how to stop it. Neither did he.

Eventually I found he'd been bullshitting me, trying to create the illusion that everything was going to be alright, that he'd scored a job that was going to solve everything, went for several interviews ... except the job never existed. I hit the roof, asked him to leave. A few fibs is one thing; a really elaborate deliberate deception I just couldn't stomach.

He was calm but I know he was completely distraught. It rips my heart out to make anyone that sad, but I just couldn't see a way through. If I'd known he was about to die, I'd never have put him through the agony ...

He didn't have anywhere to go. It was heartbreakingly sad and pitiful. I hugged him and said please work it out. I still care, but I can't be with a guy who is a passenger.

He developed an upset stomach, was throwing up, loose stools too. Nothing that unusual, except that one day he showed me his stomach was really bloated. I said he needed to see a dr because it looked like a seriously irritated digestive system to me. As always, he refused. No health insurance, but also, he hated drs, avoided them, lied to them and told them he was fine.

I shrugged sadly, exasperated (we'd had this conversations so many other times when he'd felt sick), then left to take my kids to visit family. We'd be gone a week. I needed the break. I figured we would talk some more when I got back. I was really concerned about him though; he kept ignoring his health issues and in hindsight probably hadn't been telling me all his symptoms.

I got back a week later to find him dead on the bathroom floor. The bloated stomach had been internal bleeding. I still kick myself for not realizing this.

We weren't married, although we had lived together more than 2 years. We were still very close friends, and he knew I was still the person who cared about him more than anyone else in the world.

His siblings didn't know we'd broken up, but stupidly my first instinct was to tell them, so that they'd be his next of kin and have to deal with the aftermath. A few days later I regretted it, felt like I'd just thrown him under the bus, exposing him as a relationship failure when they really didn't need to know that. I took over the arrangements for his cremation.

He had fallen out with his siblings, used up all his lifelines with them over the years. At the memorial it was clear they just didn't care, were relieved he was gone. That made me so sad.

He left no will. So, his siblings will get all he had. He'd be absolutely incensed at that, but it's his own stupid disorganized fault. And mine for not committing to him. Not that I could.

All this was 4 months ago.

I may have broken up with him, so I suppose some people (his siblings, his ex) think that any grief on my part is fake and disingenuous, but you know, he was still an important part of me and I miss him terribly.

And although I hated that he'd lied to me, now it is more a sadness that he didn't feel able to share the truth with me. He was really just doing anything he could to stay with me because he adored me and was lost without me. [There is a lot more to this; it wasn't a simple "move out and be single" situation; he would have had to leave the country, and die alone - that's how he saw it, and he was right really. So sad.]

I've been seeing a therapist, knew immediately that I'd need some landing flaps with this. But it's hard and I am struggling to pick myself up. I know they say there is no timeline for grief, but it only eases ever so slowly and TBH some days it feels like full blown depression. I worry I am infecting my kids with it.

I'm a long way from family, have very few friends (because we spent literally all of our time together). I've tried MeetUps, am going to keep doing that. I work from home, alone. I try to go for a walk every morning. I try music and candles with essential oils to lift the mood of the place. House and home office are semi-messy; my projects are behind, especially the ones I want to get done for me.

I don't know what I'm asking here ... any tips? Or maybe I just need to offload. Thanks for listening.
« Last Edit: April 10, 2018, 10:55:14 PM by Rudderless »

Wheelerswife

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Hi, Rudderless.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your love. You are not the only person here who lost their love in a complicated relationship. Married or not, you are welcome here.

It has only been 4 months. That is not a very long period of time to process the your losses. Please be patient with yourself. Read here and you will find that many others may have expressed some of what you are feeling. In the meantime, feel free to use this space to express yourself in any way that is helpful. We understand on many levels.

Hugs to you,

Maureen 
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

Rudderless

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Thanks, @Wheelerswife.

I did read some of the other posts and know others have dealt with situations that were similar in various ways. Sudden, unexpected deaths always come with unresolved issues, don't they. But even more so when the relationship has been complicated or troubled in some way.

One thing that has stuck in my mind: he always used to say I was too soft and measured in my response to people who were screwing us over. I'd always been soft and measured with him too. This time I was more adamant, and I know it really stung him to be on the receiving end. And now I wish I'd been my usual gentle self. Things were said that just weren't fair, and I regret it. It's been a tough lesson about staying true to myself and my own intuition, not behaving in ways that other people think are more appropriate.

Anyway ... I went and got acupuncture today, first time in 10+ years, and feel markedly improved even after one session. It was the first glimmer of hope in a long time that things might improve.


Captains wife

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Im so sorry, that is heartbreaking. Please do lots of self care to get you through this tough time. Agreed that married or not you are still a widow. I went through a sudden loss but also the discovery of certain secrets after my LH died and the whole experience resulted in complicated grief. Using a therapist helped, lots of self care (exercise, good diet, making time for myself, my son and keeping down the stress) all helped. Wishing you the best.