Author Topic: Worse after eleven months  (Read 297 times)

christine

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Worse after eleven months
« on: April 12, 2018, 02:12:00 AM »
Hi to everyone. I am new to this forum, aged nearly 40, no children and I lost my husband 11 months ago. In addition to that just a few days later I discovered that I am financially that all our income was gone by his best friend. So now not only I am alone without a husband I loved so much but I am also without income from being quite wealthy.
I find it difficult to adjust to either reality. My life is tottaly destroyed. I see no point in anything, no reason for trying. I returned to work (self employed) immediately after his death. worked crazy hours so i didn't have to go home. Only went to have a shower and sleep. Which home to go back? He made it a home. Now is is just an empty space. I don't cook anymore, what for? I mostly eat cold sandwiches, not sitting on table, standing up, walking up and down the kitchen, just for the sake of eating. I managed to pull through. But about a month ago, I tottaly had a melt down. Not crying, I rarely do. Not even cried at funeral. So now I can barely work, I don't want to speak to people, I just want to stay in bed and preferably not wake up in morning. It seems I cannot handle the changes in my life. Why now? And how do I proceed? I just feel that I can't do anything. Not interested. No point. People said it gets better over time. I gave it time. It got worse. Now what?

Wheelerswife

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Re: Worse after eleven months
« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2018, 05:49:34 AM »
Hello, christine,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband!  So much about this feels terribly wrong!  It is more than enough anguish to lose a spouse, and then to have significant financial changes makes it even worse.  I imagine you have already looked into legal recourse to see if you can recover some of your assets.

Losing a spouse is devastating.  People say it will get better over time, and I can, from experience (twice) tell you that this has been my experience and the experience of many others.  11 months, however, is not very much time in this situation.  There is nothing magical about any specific period of time, particularly the one year mark. 

We all grieve differently, too.  I cried at my first husband's funeral, but not at the memorial service for my second husband.  However, I have cried plenty and I still lament the losses of my husbands.  Just yesterday, I was in contact with three different people from this board, one of whom got to hear my sadness over the recent anniversary of meeting my second husband.  It helps to have supporters who understand.

Perhaps it is time to let your doctor know that you could use some support in coping.  Some people find support groups and grief counseling helpful.  Sometimes, it is a matter of putting one foot in front of the other just as you have the last 11 months.  Eventually, life feels a bit lighter and it is easier to find small joys in our lives.  Then we build on small joys.  Life will be different, for sure.  The old normal is gone, but it is possible to build a new life in time that can be good again. 

Keep moving through the fog.  There really isn't much choice, eh?

Hugs,

maureen

Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Worse after eleven months
« Reply #2 on: April 12, 2018, 08:45:17 AM »
Hi Christine,
I am so sorry for the loss of your dear husband and to compound this with what his friend did to you is horrible.  Yes, eleven months, I remember how I felt at that point.  It was worse for me as well.  Although we all grieve differently I have that very much in common with you.  It was awful.  I couldn't see the point in anything anymore either.  I just kept hanging on.  I remember reading even earlier out a statement that really stuck with me and I repeated it in my head over and over.  "If you're going through hell, just keep going." So that's what I did.  I had my screaming crying fits and felt it when I needed too.
You probably don't want to hear this but here goes anyway....  just keep going.  I know it feels like hell right now but keep going in baby steps and one day, a little ray of sunshine will poke through.  It will take time and you need to just keep on going.  Try to push yourself to do something you used to or may now enjoy.  You might not enjoy it but at least you tried.
Keep posting and reading.
Gentle hugs to you.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

christine

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Re: Worse after eleven months
« Reply #3 on: April 12, 2018, 08:51:48 AM »
Thank you so much for your replies.
Maureen sorry you had to experience this twice.
Brokenheart2 it's comforting knowing that I am not the only one grieving backwards.
There are no support groups where I live. I did however visit a doctor a few days ago as I felt I could not go on. I had had enough and tried so hard but still got to nowhere. He put me on antidepressants anti anxiety medication. The money cannot be revived. Everything was done under the provision of true friendship. Well it seems it wasn't the case. I lost both the money and someone I thought of as his best friend. Yet I still can't figure out why now. I realise my life is completely different in every possible way but I thought I could handle it. I was strong enough, active,tried to be brave. It seems I was wrong there too.
I have been trying to take one step at a time and keep going despite all. I just see no reason.
Thank you for your comforting words.

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Worse after eleven months
« Reply #4 on: April 12, 2018, 09:13:25 AM »
Christine, please know you are not grieving backwards.  You are grieving. I too couldn't find a local bereavement group but I did find an amazing councilor that helped me a lot.  That too took a long time to find and to work with to get some progress with.  Please remember it will not always be this way.  Be patient with yourself and even if all you do is go for a small walk, that to is progress.  You don't have to be brave and strong for anyone but yourself at this time.  Just be gentle with yourself. Please trust me when I say eventually that little ray of sunshine will break through.
Hugs.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

beth_krkswidow

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Re: Worse after eleven months
« Reply #5 on: April 12, 2018, 09:16:59 AM »
At 11 months I still actively wanted to drive off a cliff.. Absolutely no will to go on. What you are feeling is perfectly normal.  People here and in my Grief Groups said it gets softer as time passes.  It does. Biii didn't believe them but it does get softer
So sorry for your loss
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...

MR

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Re: Worse after eleven months
« Reply #6 on: April 12, 2018, 10:24:51 AM »
Hi Christine,
I am so sorry for your loss. Group members have already given you very good suggestions. I am at 1.5 year mark and still get some melt down days. One of the thing i would suggest may be bring a change in your routine. Try more exercise or yoga or meditation. If you can't find any support group see if you can find some friend who is ready to listen as you have so much to talk about the journey. I found that finding a friend who could listen to me was nothing less than therapist.

Hugs
Manoj

Toosoon2.0

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Re: Worse after eleven months
« Reply #7 on: April 12, 2018, 11:50:13 AM »
Hi Christine (I am also Christine!).  I was in very, very bad shape at 11 months.  At my boss' not so subtle urging, I took an extended break from work, got help and then took a trip over the holidays to visit an old friend and let her take care of me and by the time I went back to work two months later, I was in much better shape.  Not ok by any means but more grounded.  Things looked a bit clearer.  But at 11 months - having tried to run from my grief - it all came crashing down on me in a major way.  I hope you will take very, very good care of yourself in this time in every way you can.  I don't know where you live, but springtime is almost here in the northeast and I found spending time outdoors - walking, gardening, reading - to be some of the best (and free) therapy available.  You will come through this.  It does get better.  I promise.  Sending loving support from another Christine.

donswife

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Re: Worse after eleven months
« Reply #8 on: April 12, 2018, 06:29:41 PM »
Christine ,
I agree you are not grieving backwards
this is all so hard and to add betrayal from a "friend" and having to deal with financial issues is awful

Someone on this board had a quote that I cherished and it got me through some really rough days

"On particularly rough days when I am sure I can't possible endure,I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good "

Please be gentle with yourself and lean on us when you need
Take Care
My everything

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Worse after eleven months
« Reply #9 on: April 13, 2018, 08:08:50 AM »
Yes DW, I love that quote too!!!
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.