Author Topic: If I don't think, I don't have to face reality  (Read 1838 times)

keeptrying

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If I don't think, I don't have to face reality
« on: April 03, 2015, 06:53:36 PM »
 I figure if I don't think and avoid all thoughts, I won't have to deal
with the unbearable sadness and pain. I tell myself every day that this isn't real
he is coming home or I just don't think at all and try to avoid all thoughts.
Unfortunately anything that made me happy in the past.. music, memories, things
like that trigger me to break down and cry. The pain is unspeakable. I try to avoid all that also. I am afraid of
reality. I don't want to "feel". I want to just forget everything, forget my
wonderful life I used to have. It hurts, deeply. I am almost 5 months out and
I hope that I can do this forever and that eventually I can erase and train
my mind that this isn't real. Unwillingly memories do pop up and I get stuck telling myself
over and over it isn't real, like a bad dream until I wake up. I want to stay
numb. I am scared of reality. - This is how I am coping...

Jen

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Re: If I don't think, I don't have to face reality
« Reply #1 on: April 03, 2015, 08:47:00 PM »
I have no good advice, but I have many, many (((((HUGS)))))  I am so very sorry.
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

swilson

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Re: If I don't think, I don't have to face reality
« Reply #2 on: April 04, 2015, 09:24:10 AM »
I'm sorry keeptrying. I've read that the trauma of a loved ones death often goes beyond what's considered normal shock. You may get a type of numbness, deadening or shutting off of emotions. It feels like, "this couldn't be happening to me" and may feel that way for months. Praying for your comfort & peace <><.
~ she's gone to Heaven so I've got to be good, so I can see my baby when I leave this world ~

lcoxwell

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Re: If I don't think, I don't have to face reality
« Reply #3 on: April 04, 2015, 02:37:28 PM »
I am so very sorry.  I wish words could take the pain away and help you to find some peace, but words are so inadequate at times.  Just know that we are here, and we are listening.  We may not be able to say the right things to ease your pain, but we can understand what you are going through.  ((((Hugs))))
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.

A Tout Jamais

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Re: If I don't think, I don't have to face reality
« Reply #4 on: April 04, 2015, 03:09:50 PM »
Quote
I figure if I don't think and avoid all thoughts, I won't have to deal
with the unbearable sadness and pain.

I don't want to "feel". I want to just forget everything


(((keeptrying)))

I heard your cry of pain and despair. Whatever soothing words I want to offer, probably won't bring you any comfort at this particular moment in time. My husband died nine years ago, and yet I can still clearly remember that I felt almost exactly as you do now.

Below is what I wrote at the time, which will at least let you know that others have had similar feelings:





"I Want to Forget"

I want to forget
What once has been
I want to keep running
As fast and far as I can

Never stop, never think
Never let my heart feel
All the pain and the fear
It has stored inside

But the shadows from the past
Keep running beside me
Never leave me alone
They always keep pace

Just let me keep going
And run ever faster
To somewhere, anywhere
Where I can't remember the past

Reach a distant horizon
Where nobody knows me
Where I can make believe
That it is not true

Life's no longer real
There's nothing to hold on
It only keeps moving
And turns on its axis

But leaves me behind
In my prison of memories
I can't find the key
To set me free

As the calendar turns
My heart still wounded and raw
Wants to turn the page
To another chapter

Like mercury rising
A fever is building inside me
And like a red, hot flame
It is burning me up

I just have to run faster
Faster and ever faster
To leave this behind
Make it all disappear

Find a place that has no memory
And does not keep track of time
Where it all stands still
Where I can find peace at last

       ~~~~~~~~~~~



A part of the answer lies in your username 'keep trying'. That's all we CAN do, and it also shows that there is at least the tiniest flicker of Hope left in your heart.

When my heart says: "Give up,"
Hope whispers: "Try it one more time!"

~~ Unknown





So, I stretch out my hand to you through the ether and say:
 "Hold on! Let's keep trying together!" OK?!


(((HUGS))) to you.


ATJ

« Last Edit: May 17, 2016, 06:02:22 PM by A Tout Jamais »
"Tu n'es plus là où tu étais, mais tu es partout là où je suis."
~~ Victor Hugo

"Je me souviens de toi ... Je me souviens de nous  - Il était une fois -  Je me souviens de tout!"