Author Topic: Long Distance Relationships  (Read 8098 times)

TooSoon

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Re: Long Distance Relationships
« Reply #15 on: April 04, 2015, 08:11:37 PM »
I could not agree more.  We are both willing, I think.  I guess it is figuring out the where and what and when that we need to sit down and iron out.  Honestly, no matter how hard it is sometimes, I would go to the ends of the earth and will wait as long as necessary to make this work.  I cannot imagine life without A in it.  I wouldn't want life without A in it and neither would my daughter.  But after working so hard to get where we both are professionally, cutting ties with the families who have helped us and our children survive our ordeals, it just overwhelms.  But you know, I don't want to be writing him an email tonight.  The glow and excitement of it all has worn off and I want him to be sat here next to me now (or us there, sound asleep) and us all going on a hike tomorrow rather than just M and me.  Whine, whine, (wine), I know.  You guys are honestly the best.  No one else can understand why I "had to" fall in love with someone in another country or how I can possibly put up with this "strange arrangement."  Their words, not mine.  And its hard because I have moved on but I haven't made any major decisions like selling this albatross of a house because I am waiting so I feel caught a lot of the time between a past that is finished and with which I have made my peace and a future that I am ready for but can't yet have.  My choices, I know, but that doesn't make it any easier.
« Last Edit: April 04, 2015, 08:19:03 PM by TooSoon »

Jess

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Re: Long Distance Relationships
« Reply #16 on: April 04, 2015, 08:55:05 PM »
TooSoon, I'm going to perhaps error on the side of being a bit blunt. For me it boils down to one big decision which informs all of the other ones that fall in line with it... would you rather have family that helped you through a terrible time in your life be a plane ride away or the man you clearly love? We all have been taught the cruel lesson that life is too damn short. For some, that choice is too hard to make, but reading your words it seems like you have made this decision already. So what are you waiting for? :) The things that are most worthwhile in life can often be the things that scare us the most, and change can be really scary.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014

TooSoon

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Re: Long Distance Relationships
« Reply #17 on: April 04, 2015, 09:32:47 PM »
THAT is what I needed to hear.  I've been isolated on my island of quasi-secret private for a long time long distance relationship and nowhere to go with it for so long.  It is hard to keep your moorings when you feel like you're living multiple lives in some ways but really know deep down what you want and need.  And then to realize others see the writing on the wall much more clearly than you do.  Ack!  You are right.  You are absolutely right.  Thank you!  xoxoxox
« Last Edit: April 05, 2015, 01:07:28 PM by TooSoon »

RobFTC

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Re: Long Distance Relationships
« Reply #18 on: April 04, 2015, 10:54:23 PM »
It's odd reading all this from my point of view.  I am likely open to moving - in four years when my girls are off to college.  It depends on where they are, exactly - if someone chooses CSU in town, I would hang out awhile longer.  But I don't really want to move where they go, I would tend to choose a place based on my own biases.

A settled relationship would clearly change things, but ...

Take care,
Rob T
There was something fishy about the butler.  I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale.

maddalena

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Re: Long Distance Relationships
« Reply #19 on: April 05, 2015, 01:04:08 PM »
ah, the story of my chapter 2 life.
I HATE the fact that he is 3000 miles from me. we skype, we text, we call, we send letters and little gifts in the mail, we send emails.
We can afford to visit each other once a month which really helps. he still works so i am doing the majority of the travel. He plans to move out here when he retires, which is in about a year. Believe me there will be a count down. But he also has to sell his house. I have spent time there at his house helping him  get the house ready to sell.
Sometimes I am filled with frustration and despair. We had no idea my husband would die at age 61, now, here I am waiting for guy #2 to turn 65 before he moves here.
and then this past year, i did take my cats to his house for 2.5 months of winter! (he's in Florida)
There are so many places I would move to; but Florida isn't one of them!

marian1953

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Re: Long Distance Relationships
« Reply #20 on: April 05, 2015, 01:37:22 PM »
Toosoon,

I began this relationship 350 miles apart. An astute friend said, well, that's a safe relationship, you are proceeding with caution. I really didn't want to be the widow now available on campus. Just because Peter and I both worked at the college didn't mean I would look to the campus for a new relationship. so, at 3 1/2 years out, I got an email from an old friend in Canada- and I had been looking at a facebook page two days before, thinking, can't be him, he lives in Canada. Tall, less hair, but not him. Well, it was him- 350 miles up the coast. We talked every day, and saw each other once a month. the novelty, as you say, wears off. You want them here. Or you there.
So, I made the move. I was waiting for lawsuits to be over. I knew I was leaving the campus anyway. I bought a house and he moved in. Paid the bills while I paid the bills in L.A.  I retired and moved two years after we met again. I go south to visit and have one best damn friend in the world.  She's from Chicago, me Toronto, so we became friends over 25 years ago. We were a solid team of friends- and she was widowed three months after me. Our friendship became closer and she truly is the one thing I miss.
The challenges were not just financial at times. The challenges were over thinking the issues- my students need me. Many told me the campus needed me. Yeah. I had worked in  academe too long to believe that. But the Valley had been my only home away from Canada. This was my routine. My comfort zone. Until I realized it was my prison, too.  I just thought to Hell with it all. This is what I want and that's it.
Oh, the drama of the siblings, you would not believe! I am the eldest and suddenly it was poor Marian, what is she doing? i had one sister actually say I was hoping this time you would pick a really rich one because now you are older and wiser. What? a lot of doubting myself in the wee small hours of the morning. And I was just moving me and the cat!
I am now living with him and  the college has faded away, those that swore they would be calling, visiting?well. They didn't. If I hadn't moved here?and Peter and I always planned to retire to the beach. He is making coffee downstairs right now. He says, oh on your widda friend page? I say, yes, he smiles. Life is good.
Go for what you want, Toosoon.
Marian
« Last Edit: April 05, 2015, 01:44:34 PM by marian1953 »

lcoxwell

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Re: Long Distance Relationships
« Reply #21 on: April 06, 2015, 07:53:58 PM »
I have been reading this thread with deep interest over the last couple of days, and just have not had time to respond. There is so much I can relate to here, and so many of you have echoed my thoughts so clearly.

For those who don't know, my Kenneth and I started our relationship from about 2,400 miles away. He was in CA, and I was in NC. From the moment we met, there was a deep and profound connection. Now, I am in another long distance relationship with my New Guy, who is much closer, but still just over two hours away.

As we all know, having and maintaining a positive, healthy LDR is not without its challenges, and there has to be a few key factors in the relationship in order to truly make it work. As Chrispy pointed out, there has to be "absolute trust and faith" in one another, a commitment to find ways to communicate often, and a commitment to each other.  The two of you also need to have really good communication skills, since so much of the communication is not in person, and it is so easy to have misunderstandings when operating from a distance, through technology. I also agree with Jess, who pointed out that there has to be an endgame in mind. The two of you have to be willing and able to have serious discussions about what that endgame is and how to get from where you are now, to the point where you want to be. That can take a great deal of planning, and depending on the distance, may require having a certain level of finances in order.

If the relationship is ever going to move forward, at some point, one of the two of you has to be willing to move, come Hell or high water, as they often say in the South. In my case, I have been the one to take that step, packing up my young children and moving across the country mere months after meeting my Kenneth, and now I am planning to make another move this Summer. As Maureen said, the happiness factor outweighed all other considerations, for me, and I was/am willing to relocate for love and happiness. When I made the move to be with Kenneth, common sense and everyone I knew advised against it, but it was truly the smartest thing I have ever done in my life, and I would do it all again, without hesitation.

The challenges can be HUGE, but they are not insurmountable. I can related to missing two people at once, and I can relate to the misery of not having the person I want to be with, above all others, next to me at any given time. It hurts, when you want to curl up next to that special person in your life, and yet that person is miles away. I, too, can get impatient with waiting on my new life to start. TooSoon, I think you said it best, and truly captured my current mindset, when you said this:

I feel caught a lot of the time between a past that is finished and with which I have made my peace and a future that I am ready for but can't yet have.  My choices, I know, but that doesn't make it any easier.
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.

look2thesky

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Re: Long Distance Relationships
« Reply #22 on: April 06, 2015, 10:20:35 PM »
It's very hard to pick up and move a long distance, unless you are totally confident that things will work out. With me it was a promise.she was still married at the time (but  legally seperated and pending a divorce). I wasn't going to take a chance, give up my home, and then if things didn't work out, I would be without a job, and a place to live. It didn't seem as if She was willing to move, so I felt I had to end things, and wished her well. It did not come without its anger and apparent sadness, on her side. But almost two years later, I felt I made the right decision. I cannot be without my home. And everything I worked so hard to attain. As little as it may be. And also my Wife is buried here. It's just too hard for me.

anniegirl

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Re: Long Distance Relationships
« Reply #23 on: April 07, 2015, 03:26:35 PM »
Quote
It's very hard to pick up and move a long distance, unless you are totally confident that things will work out.

I agree but there are no 100% in life. No guarantees. Every relationship comes with risk.

It is a good idea to assess risk and we often know when another person is not as committed to the success of a relationship as we are and it would be foolish to go into any relationship where both people are not on the same page with same plan and same goals.

The hardest part is the uprooting because not everyone has the tolerance for leaving behind a life and starting a new one.

Most of us know who were are as people. What's important. What isn't. All factors to be weighed.

This is not the droid you are looking for.

look2thesky

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Re: Long Distance Relationships
« Reply #24 on: April 07, 2015, 07:43:58 PM »
Unless you are confident as one can be,
I meant. Too much risk I felt so it didn't happen.

IronBear

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Re: Long Distance Relationships
« Reply #25 on: April 07, 2015, 08:38:10 PM »
It's very hard to pick up and move a long distance, unless you are totally confident that things will work out.

Eggzachly!

I would have picked up and followed Laurie to the ends of the Earth but life is a lot more complicated now.

maddalena

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Re: Long Distance Relationships
« Reply #26 on: April 11, 2015, 09:10:03 AM »
interesting, new place!!