Author Topic: I wasn't going to do this  (Read 4591 times)

Jen

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I wasn't going to do this
« on: April 07, 2015, 04:59:00 PM »
It's one of those "last of the firsts" things. Today is my Jim's birthday. I was doing all right until I got home from work and had to see the Facebook posts. My mother posted on his wall, and I lost it completely. He would have been 41 years old today-- my brilliant sweet baby, who taught me more about love and loyalty in the five years we were married than I'd learned in all the years before. I don't understand why it had to be this way.

On Friday it will be a year since he left. That's just an arbitrary line in the sand-- there's nothing magical about passing 365 days. One year, two, five-- I'll still be looking at his picture beside his urn. It's just one more day that he's not in the world.

I miss him so much.

I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

jlp

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Re: I wasn't going to do this
« Reply #1 on: April 07, 2015, 05:02:19 PM »
I am so sorry, hon.  I wish there were something I could say to take the pain away, but there isn't.  Please know I am thinking of you and grieve with you.

lcoxwell

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Re: I wasn't going to do this
« Reply #2 on: April 07, 2015, 05:23:52 PM »
Sweet Jen, I am so sorry that you have to face days without your Jim. Please know, I am thinking of you, and I am wishing there was something, anything, I could say or do to take away the pain. I am wishing that you find peace in the next few days.  Much love and many hugs to you.
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.

Amor

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Re: I wasn't going to do this
« Reply #3 on: April 07, 2015, 07:57:15 PM »
Jen,
I am wishing you peace and good memories of your precious Love Jim.
Missing my Love so much, wishing everyday to be together.  Needing the support, kind words, and soft touch.  I heart brakes every time I remember my Love is gone again.  The moments of blessing are the good memories and the things my Love taught me in the too short of time we were together.  Anything less than forever is too short of time. 

Wheelerswife

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Re: I wasn't going to do this
« Reply #4 on: April 07, 2015, 08:38:02 PM »
Hugs, Jenni.

I had those two days in January...just 5 days apart.  Hang on tight.  The ride will smooth a bit when you get some widow hugs.

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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anniegirl

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Re: I wasn't going to do this
« Reply #5 on: April 07, 2015, 08:56:35 PM »
A tough week. Don't be hard on yourself.

You mention the FB page and it reminds me that I am still so grateful that there wasn't social media a decade ago like there is now. I don't know how ppl deal with FB pages and such  that remain behind and "alive". I could never have survived that extra stress.

I found (and it could just be me), making it to the first anniversary let some of the pressure off and it's not a magic finish line but there was a lightening of load.

There is nothing to understand as much as there is just something to be incorporated into who you are and will be going forward.

I am sorry and do, do be extra wonderful to yourself these next days. Sometimes we forget to make ourselves priorities during these times when we really need to. ((hugs))
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Trying

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Re: I wasn't going to do this
« Reply #6 on: April 07, 2015, 09:20:00 PM »
Jen this is an awful lot for you to face in one week.  There is no magic in surviving the first year but for me, the build up was so much harder than the day itself.  I hope you are able to find moments to allow the memories to make you smile, to miss the man you love, and to remember how wonderful it was to have him here loving you back. 

I'm adding my hugs and support and wishing you peace.
You will forever be my always.

Mr C

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Re: I wasn't going to do this
« Reply #7 on: April 08, 2015, 12:17:10 AM »
Jen, Sending you ((((HUGS))))
Mrs.C, You have been my Sweetheart, Best Friend and Love since 1987. You will be my Wife forever and ever and ever. Love Always, Mr. C

gracelet

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Re: I wasn't going to do this
« Reply #8 on: April 08, 2015, 10:20:19 AM »
((((Jen))))

I'll give you a real hug in Amsterdam, but for now, I hope this virtual hug helps.
Musings of this sarcastic but upbeat young widow can be read here : www.eerilycheerily.com

Carey

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Re: I wasn't going to do this
« Reply #9 on: April 08, 2015, 01:56:20 PM »
Oh honey I can feel it from here :(   Chad died on his birthday.  When he does things, he does it up right, let me tell ya. I so wish I could come pick you up and take you to my little spot of heaven and we could sit on the pier at the river and roll our pants legs up and just sit and talk and enjoy some sunshine and peace for just a few minutes.  There IS NO UNDERSTANDING. There's just that hole there that you tiptoe around. I still cry every single time I poke around in facebook. I have no earthly idea why I do it to myself; im compelled.  I hope you have someone with you today.  And I am sending giant hugs from north Carolina too.
I can't look at the stars they make me wonder where you are. 
Stars.... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all
I know you've gone too far
 So I .... I can't look at the stars --Grace Potter

linda5

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Re: I wasn't going to do this
« Reply #10 on: April 08, 2015, 03:01:01 PM »
Feeling your pain today and sending you hugs.  I find that throwing a real old fashioned, little kid temper tantrum really helped me get rid of some of the stress and sadness.  But you need to make sure nobody else is in the house, or they would have you committed!  (I've only done this once, but it felt good!)

Jen

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Re: I wasn't going to do this
« Reply #11 on: April 08, 2015, 05:57:31 PM »
Thank you all so much-- I needed all those hugs!! And I'm counting the days down until I get some real ones! :)

I only had one real breakdown yesterday... I cried for awhile, but it didn't send me into the pits of despair. I called my ILs and couldn't get my MIL off the phone for over 2 hours-- but it was actually a pretty good conversation. Instead of her usual "state of my grief" report, she seemed much more concerned with looking ahead-- for me and her both. She's dealing with a breast cancer diagnosis right now-- she had surgery a couple weeks ago, and she's following up for radiation, but the prognosis is good. She was encouraging about my educational endeavors (I'm working on another bachelor's degree), and when I told her about the trip this weekend (NYC bago, yay!!!), she was happy about it. She confirmed my thought, which was that Jim would absolutely want me to go and have a wonderful time.

Anyway... sorry to ramble. I'm okay today. Still not sure how Friday will fine me, but I guess we'll see.

((((((HUGS))))))
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Ursula

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Re: I wasn't going to do this
« Reply #12 on: April 09, 2015, 09:52:24 PM »
Jen, sending a back-up hug and many more, to use when you need them!
Por que tu fuego a?n me quema, sin ti las noches son eternas,
tu aroma sigue aqu?, no me deja ir.. Por m?s que intente y quiera olvidarte, yo nunca lograre dejarte, cautivo de este amor sincero esclavo de tu voz.. Por que estoy am?ndote, so??ndose, aunque no est?s aqu?..
Y yo te esperare, amor aunque los a?os lleguen sin querer (Marc Anthony)

widowat33

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Re: I wasn't going to do this
« Reply #13 on: April 09, 2015, 09:57:17 PM »
Thinking of you and you will be on my mind tomorrow as well. I remember the date easily..you are exactly three months ahead of me, it was also the day I lost my uncle last year, and would've been my grandmas birthday..
Sending you hugs!

Jen

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Re: I wasn't going to do this
« Reply #14 on: April 10, 2015, 03:56:35 AM »
So many hugs back-- I will never be able to adequately say how grateful I am. <3 <3 <3
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton