Author Topic: UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!  (Read 6241 times)

JacklessSally

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UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!
« on: March 09, 2015, 08:33:40 AM »
How many of you are out there?
What is your story, please share it here.
B.H.S. 1-20-1974 - 11-13-2014

You will always be my Jack and I will always be your Sally. For we were simply meant to be.

OSAAT

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Re: UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!
« Reply #1 on: March 10, 2015, 12:19:18 PM »
Hi JacklessSally,
One Step at a Time here. I was not married to J. That was one of my biggest apprehension into being accepted by other widows. To top that, I left him before he died because the alcoholism wreaked havoc on our relationship. I could not sit back and watch it all crumble and I could not leave. It was awful. I left and he went downhill fast. He ended up dying from huffing. The night he died, I found out he had been sleeping with a lady from work and she was preggers. I was then 2nd class and "just his ex". I was treated like I did not matter. I was told I was a psychopath and would receive nothing of J's. I felt so much shame from all of this. It sent me into an awful depression for 2 years. I felt unworthy of grief, but I was grieving so hard so I tried to hide it and tame it. That only made the depression worse. It was so painful. 4.5 years later I am beyond active grieving and beyond the awful depression. It is very freeing to not be caught up in that still. My heart goes out to all of the new wids!

mo12

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Re: UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!
« Reply #2 on: March 11, 2015, 09:52:49 PM »
Me! C and I were engaged and he died suddenly (accident) 5 months before the wedding. We had the date/ location booked and I just picked out the style of dress I wanted the DAY before he died. WTF??? Our daughter was two months old at the time. Just over a year out and am doing well all things considered. Crazy how much has changed though- living back in my hometown, new job, very different life... I miss him every day and wish he was here to share this parenting/ life thing but I'm learning, slowly, to accept all the changes.

Mizpah

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Re: UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!
« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2015, 10:59:08 AM »
We weren't married.  Legally, we were domestic partners.  Wore wedding bands, I'd changed my name, we called each other husband and wife, and so did everyone else, but we were not spouses.  We'd been trying to think of a way to "make it official" in a way that was genuine for us, had decided to do it alone with a rabbi on a beach on our next vacation, which would've been a few months after he died.  There was a lot of nonsense because of our status.  For example, I had to take him off my health insurance (because he was dead) but I couldn't without his death certificate.  Well, I wasn't entitled to obtain his death certificate because we weren't married.  Etc., etc.  The whole thing was a mindf***.  Even now, I feel like a fraud - I'd decided that we called each other husband and wife in life, I wouldn't dishonor him by now failing to call him my husband.  But it's not technically true.  I don't want to tell the whole story to every random person it comes up with, so sometimes I feel like a liar.  We thought we had all the time in the world to make it official.  But we rushed to do all the things that mattered - bought our wedding bands within a couple months, changed my name in a few, became domestic partners in less than a year, etc.  Babbling.  Done. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

kookoo32

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Re: UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!
« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2015, 02:38:32 PM »
I'm Laura. Graham and I were never married. We were together 10 years before he was killed in an accident at work. He had 2 grown up children from his first marriage (ended in divorce). When he died his family treated me like I didn't exist. My name wasn't mentioned at the funeral - that part of his life was completely ignored. The good thing for me was that 99% of the people there knew I existed!

This all took place September/October 2014 and since then as expected I have had no communication with them. I don't even know what they did with his ashes despite him stating in his written will that I was to be present when they were scattered. Despite me not knowing his final resting place he will always be in my head and in my heart and that brings me a lot of comfort. He was smashing bloke. A guy that would do anything for anyone. He was always helping out neighbours. He never took himself too seriously and had a great sense of humor. He has left me with loads of great memories and I am thankful for our 10 years

pammierae7363

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Re: UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!
« Reply #5 on: January 13, 2016, 07:40:11 PM »
Bowman and I weren't married when he died.  We both had gone through bad marriages and divorces and weren't ready to "make it legal" just yet.  Although I proposed to him on Leap Year Day in 2012 and we joked about getting married on the 40th anniversary of our first date - 11/14/2015.  (Quick back story - we were sweethearts in junior high, dated for two years, I got scared he would dump me when he went to the high school and dumped him first.  Regretted it immediately.  Things were said and done that were hurtful during the breakup and we didn't speak for over 30 years.  He showed up on Facebook as a friend of a friend 5 years ago and it was like the thirty years apart had never happened.)  He died 01/20/2014 in a car accident on his way to work.  Luckily, he had revised his will, his power of attorney, and his health care advanced directives just a few months before the accident and I was the executor of his estate . . . we wanted to make sure that there were legal "protections" in place if something should happen to one of us.  My wonderful sister and my wonderful mother both told me at the funeral that it didn't matter if there was a "piece of paper" stating I was his wife - we had been in a committed relationship and that God knew the love in our hearts.  The legal system needed the official form from the Probate Court, though, before anyone would talk to me about anything. 

I am blessed that his children and his family accepted me as family. 
Love you forever and forever. Love you with all my heart. Will I wait a lonely lifetime? If you want me to, I will.

fuchsiasky

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Re: UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!
« Reply #6 on: February 23, 2016, 05:51:42 PM »
Me.  Rob and I were together for 10 years.  He was still legally married to this ex and we just never found the time or money to finish up the divorce.  We always put it to something better.  We were legally common law so I am having no troubles there.  And we had a "wedding" a year before he died.  We knew then that he wouldn't make it.  We knew that dealing with the divorce was just a waste of time and money.  But we had our wedding.  We said what we needed to in front of those that we love most.  So he was my husband...and always will be.
I love you, I love you, I love you!  Forever and always I love you!

JacklessSally

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Re: UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!
« Reply #7 on: April 20, 2016, 09:33:31 AM »
@fuchsiasky
My fiancee was also legally married to his ex at the time of his death. We did not know they were still married until September of 2014, and he was killed in November. He had only re-signed the paperwork like.. 21 days prior to when he was killed. So they are still legally married and he is legally her widow..
B.H.S. 1-20-1974 - 11-13-2014

You will always be my Jack and I will always be your Sally. For we were simply meant to be.

Ruth

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Re: UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!
« Reply #8 on: July 06, 2016, 03:21:22 PM »
Hey everyone,

This is my first post here, so I'm feeling rather unsure, but thought maybe this is the best place to start for me.

Michael and I were never legally married according to the laws of my country. However according to the community we grew up in we were married. Our marriage was arranged and I was still a teenager when we got married. We were married for five years and one month when he died at the age of 25. At the time I was pregnant with our daugther, but I lost her eight days after I lost Michael.

That's it for now, thank you for letting me share.
As your wife I was proud and honoured, as your widow I will be too.
You died the way you lived - trying to do what was right.

Wheelerswife

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Re: UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!
« Reply #9 on: July 06, 2016, 09:01:31 PM »
Ruth, you are completely welcome here.   I am so sorry for your losses.  I hope you feel comfortable here and can express whatever is on your heart and mind.  We don't have any rules here for whether or not someone is legally married.  There are others who are very young, also. 

Hugs,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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AubreeAnn

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Re: UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!
« Reply #10 on: July 25, 2016, 09:36:23 PM »
I am unmarried. We knew we were going to spend the rest of our lives with each other. We were going to be married I the coming year and a half. Do I still call myself a widow if we weren't married? What do I say to someone who asks if I have a significant other?

Wheelerswife

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Re: UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!
« Reply #11 on: July 25, 2016, 10:08:45 PM »
As far as we are concerned, you can consider yourself widowed. The rest of the world won't understand that. All you can say is that your fiancé died. I know it doesn't render itself to the same consideration that widows get. Your loss should still be recognized. I'm sorry you don't get the support you deserve.

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

duckie

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Re: UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!
« Reply #12 on: July 26, 2016, 03:22:22 PM »
We're "lucky" where I live in that we have another word in French for living together and unmarried.  If I say my "conjoint" died, people take it seriously.  In anglophone circles, I sometimes refer to him as my husband so people understand.  They don't take it so seriously when you say boyfriend.  It's pretty common where I live though to shack up and never marry.

AubreeAnn

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Re: UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!
« Reply #13 on: July 26, 2016, 07:27:28 PM »
Thank you both. Unfortunately the loss isn't considered as "severe" by society if you aren't married. I lost my future just like other widows. Your guidance helps. Thank you so much.

sandrine2279

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Re: UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!
« Reply #14 on: August 19, 2016, 07:13:01 PM »
I think today is the day to speak about my condition of unwed widow, who never cared getting married or not (like my man).

I've been treated as if we were married during the funerals. Anyway, the family of my beloved teddy bear is always so dumb they couldn't handle nothing properly (even went to the toilets instade of following the coffin...).

I had only three years with the love of my life.

Sorry, if I wasn't given the chance to spend the rest of my life with my wonderful men and most of all,  if he wasn't given the chance to live (he was 32).

Today, I am 15 weeks out and it hurts enough.

Today his mother insisted like she never did before, asking me to give "his family" all of his favorite stuff that "were important to him" and I am offered to keep my own presents I gave him...

I was ready to break my heart to give them a part of his stuffs  but it seems they want to let me nothing.

The reason she told me is that "his family" have been with him for 30 years (they never took care of him like I did btw) and so that's normal I don't keep memories.

I asked for weeks to send me photos of him I don't have and the only video with his voice (he hated pics and video) and never received anything.

His (step)father who has never been a real father for him wants his favoriteskin  bombers to wear it and asked for it even before we burried my bear (ughhh),  so respectfull...
and I have so many memories with that piece of my bear.

So, I don't mine not being part of this family since I have  never liked the way they treated him since he was a little boy,  but my bear and I had projects and we were our own little family (talking babies, a new dog, planting trees in the garden two days before I lost him...).

Love you my Bear.