UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!

[Wheelerswife]

Sandrine,

If I was you, I would consider taking the personal things that are very important to you and to your relationship with your bear and storing them in a safe place.  Those things that he had before you and that really were not a part of you and your bear...perhaps you should just give them to his family.  If there are items that they want and you cannot part with them, tell his family you are not ready to let go.

My situation is somewhat different from yours.  I was married to my second husband, but we had less than 4 years together.  There are many things that my husband's brother wanted.  I told him to make me a list, and when I was ready to go through my husband's things, I would make sure he got the items that he wanted if I chose not to keep them.  It took me 2 1/2 years to be ready, but his brother got almost everything he asked for and much more.  My BIL seems satisfied with how this worked out.

Your bear's family grieves their own loss and in their own minds, they were family to him.  My first husband's mother told me several times that losing your child is harder than losing your spouse.  In her mind, this was the absolute truth.  It hurt me each time she said this, until finally one day I stopped her and told her that they were two different things and we were both grieving and it didn't have to be a competition.  That made her think somewhat differently.  As much as you may know that your bear was not taken care of so well by his family and that he had the best years of his life with you, they see things from their own eyes.  They have lost their son and they grieve.  They want to hold on to their memories of him, just as you do.  They may not be able to understand your bond with him and how you were the most important family to him.  You know this.  You were the person he chose to live his life with.

I wish that I could tell you how to address this situation easily, but it is not easy.  Sometimes we have to find our voices and try to gently tell people that their words and actions hurt us.  You may need to tell his mother and stepfather that you continue to grieve heavily (just as they do) and you are not yet able to consider letting go of his property.  Assure them that you will not throw anything away, and that, in time, you will consider their requests.  I imagine that in the future, you will be more ready to give them some of what they want.

Hugs,

Maureen

[sandrine2279]

Thank you Maureen for you answer,

His mother is pressuring me calling all the time since yesterday.  She tries to call my mother too.
This stressful situation is really making me sick.
15 weeks out = it's yesterday he leaved my office and never came back home...
You're right I need time but they don't want to let me some.
At least, one year would be a more acceptable timeline for me.
I don't even know when or if I would be able to get back to our house one day.

Hugs

Sandrine

[Kater]

This is small potatoes compared to your situation, but my husband had an old radio cabinet that he got from his grandparents, I think.  It was in pretty rough shape, but we had it refinished and it is beautiful.  I love old furniture and both S and I really liked this piece.  The first time I had his brother over to my house (after S had died....we did not have a relationship before then), he was eying up the cabinet.  He had clear memories of it from his childhood.  I mentioned to my sister in law that he probably should have it, if it has family ties.  She suggested that, if he outright asked for it (which he never did), that I tell him that I will make sure it makes its way back to him and his family, but I am just not ready to do that right now.  I thought that was a great comment.  And I think I will offer it to him someday, even though I paid for the refinishing and it has been a much loved piece of furniture for me for 20 years. 

I do like Maureen's suggestion that you ask them to make a list.  If they don't know what they want, then they don't get it.  But I also sympathize that they probably want something(s) of his for that connection to him.

Ugh.  I am sorry you have to deal with this.  It all just sucks.

[sandrine2279]

Thank you Maureen and Kater,

Since my last post, his mother  went to the police station accusing me of robbing my bear's stuff and she said to my parents I was mean with him.
It also seems that she and her daughter read all the text messages I sent to my bear since the police has given them his phone and she also made sure, a few weeks ago, that my bear's friend who also have the only video with his voice won't give it to me.
Finally, she came at my parents and told them putting a stone on his grave is not her business...  today I learnt his father  was seen at the cementary leaving with flowers he took from the bins....
and I can't keep my bear's memories because we weren't married....
sorry, I needed to write it there.


Hugs.
 

[nonesuch]

I remember my neighbor telling me that when her Dad died, the children from his first marriage came and took everything.  I think she told me that she didn't have a single memento of her father.

Maybe I'm sneakier than a lot of you.

if there were things I really wanted to keep, they would be quietly stored at a friend's house, one of my friends, not one of his.

Actually LH's brother did ask about a specific item, and I never did find it.  It was a table saw that had belonged to their Dad.  I honestly could have parted with that...(I have two others) but whether LH sold it at a yard sale, bartered it, or broke it, I haven't any idea.  Sometimes things do get lost.

I'm sorry this has happened.  The only thing LH's daughter wanted was money, and that part was already determined by his will.   In fact, I had wanted to send her something, but he was kind of a pack rat, and there was nothing especially valuable or useful or sentimental that I ever found.

[kaleighmorgan13]

Hi all.

Where to begin.... I'm here because my boyfriend of 3 years was killed instantly in a single vehicle car accident 1 month ago on the 19th. I hate to call him just a boyfriend, as he was so much more - my soulmate, my best friend, my rock, the love of my life.... We lived together for the last 2 years. Though we weren't married yet, we had a beautiful life together.

That being said, we had our rough times. We had some trust issues and had broken up very recently for less than a month. After getting back together and deciding to put all of our past issues behind us, we had a ridiculously amazing last 2 months together. We were talking every day about getting married, and I think he was planning on proposing soon. Things were just so. insanely. perfect. I kind of feel like the break up happened for a reason... maybe God knew He was going to take Brad and wanted things to really end for us on a beautiful, happy note. I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason, but I can't begin to fathom what the reason would be for taking someone who had so much life and love ahead of him.

So anyway, now my best friend is gone, just like that. I feel numb, empty, and lost. I don't know where I'm supposed to go from here. I don't know why this has to happen. I miss him so much already, and it's only the beginning...

[Christopher]

Marriage, according to thousands of years (the majority of mankind's existence) and since the Beginning:

Man + Woman + Sex = Marriage.

Corporations want to get their filthy hands in there and say things like "Not until you have a license!"
The authority of the corporations, like the United States LLC and its State corporations, descends through the legal system from the Throne of Lucifer in Vatican City LLC. Go ahead and research the legal system if you want, you'll find the same information. Personally I don't let demons tell me anything, especially whether or not I am married.

So those of you who were unwed under the demonic principalities of MindControl (GovernMent translates to this) were in truth married to the one you lost. Your widowhood is authentic.

Sex is sacred. Be careful who you lay with. Women store the electromagnetic imprint and DNA of every man they lay with. Men do a similar thing. Don't just share it freely.

[Drafter]

My story is simple…
We were in a long term relationship (LTR) for close to 20 years. Never married. Thankfully in this day and time most people (including my employer) understand that but still respected the fact that we were a couple so we were still legally able to have insurance together etc., etc., etc.,... The worst thing is NJ doesn’t recognize un-wed couples (like other states) as common law marriage so a lot of legal issues are being sorted out.

[faye]

Very few states, less than a dozen, recognize common law marriage.

A buddy of mine want to be on his girlfriend's  insurance.  The policy of her insurance company and employer was that you had to be married. 

Actually, at that time, they would have covered same sex domestic partners, too.  But if you could be legally married, you needed to do that. I guess I can see the point, you wouldn't want someone changing his or her covered partner every few months.

My friend and his girlfriend got married and just didn't tell anyone.

[Anni]

Minh an I was together about 10 months and only lived together about 2 weeks when he was hospitalized. We were together in the hospital almost 32 days with me in the room with him at night except when he was 24 hr dialysis in the ICU. He was Asian so even if we were married, I still will not be family to his family since I am not Asian.  I got to speak at the funeral and put the last rose into the grave. He is buried in the family plot 2000 miles from me. I did keep some of his ashes. We were soulmates and deeply loved each other even before the hospital, but that bonding us deeply. He would have been alone most of the time and died alone with just hospital staff but I had come into his life when I needed to be there.

His ex wife has been the one that treated me as family. She even invited me to join her and their 12 year old twins for Thanksgiving din sum. She is also not Asian. She let me take things from the condo that I wanted and has been very supportive. We had to become a team during Minh's long hospitalization.

I have become very comfortable saying I am a widow. One of the members told me that since I saw him to and thru his death, I am one. How do I cope. I wear his clothes that does fit, even his high tech jockey underwear that he use to tell me how comfortable they were. I have his cell phone (his ex joined me to say since he gave it to me , it is mine) and do some Yelp posts that the people who follow him enjoy. I am making a memory book of his time before me since I was the one that got to go thru his things to sort them out.

But it seem that lately, 2 months out, I have just tired of living. I had to move out of the condo and may have to take a job away from this area since I have been unemployed since a few weeks before he was in the hospital. That is hurting so much, since I have been the one handling his mail and it feels like I am losing him again.

That is my story. We were 2 career people who put our careers 1st during our 1st marriages and finally found the person who we loved so much they came 1st. 

[Vintage_lover]

This is my first post. I found my significant other of nearly 11 years on the couch Friday morning Dec 8th. He was 30, I'm 29. He would go through bouts every couple months where he would throw up for 4 or 5 days straight. He would never go to a doctor about it, very stubborn. He was sick his last week but told me his last night that he was starting to feel better, he just needed to get some fluids in him. When he was sick he would sleep on the couch and I in the bed. He didn't tell me or his family that this time he was throwing up blood and lots of it. We believe he had stomach ulcers that ruptured, but we haven't received all the results and official cause of death yet.

I felt him come in the bedroom and lay down at some point in the night. The cat woke me up at 5 that morning and he was gone. I assumed he laid back down on the couch. I woke up at 7:45 and found him sitting up and gone. He'd been gone for a while when I found him. It was absolute shock. He told me he was getting better. Him having stomach ulcers or something that could kill him never crossed my mind, especially at only 30 years old.

We were never very traditional. I didn't mind that we weren't technically married. He was my best friend and we both just assumed we'd be together our entire lives. We were so similar. We loved the same music, we loved everything old, we loved adding to our vintage collections. Older people we knew would always joke about how we were born in the wrong time.

Us not being married, doesn't necessarily bother me. His family has all told me that they will always see me as family and as far as they're concerned we were married essentially. What bothers me is that we had no children. We hadn't been together long when I found out I was pregnant. I was only 19 or 20 and I was scared to death. He was excited. I miscarried in the first couple months. In the last couple years I had kept track of my cycles and we'd tried but nothing ever happened. His mom told me that here lately he'd tell her he was going to make her a grandbaby as he'd be walking out the door of her house and she'd tell him to get on it. It never happened though. His mom has been excellent to me throughout everything. She's only asked for very little in the way of his items and has asked for my opinion at every turn because she says I knew what he liked and wanted. So I'm appreciative for that.

Tomorrow will be 2 weeks and the past week I've just been in a weird stage of numbness. Sometimes a wave will take me down for a while but for the most part I feel numb and just confused as to what to do.

I hate that I am part of this group now, but I am thankful that I came across it. I know I am going to need support and my family is the type who I have a feeling will expect me to get over this far quicker than is possible and they aren't always the share your emotions type people. So I'm thankful there is some type of outlet where I can be honest with my feelings and not feel pressured to sweep them under the rug.