Author Topic: UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!  (Read 6669 times)

Wheelerswife

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  • Widowed x 2.
Re: UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!
« Reply #15 on: August 19, 2016, 11:20:36 PM »
Sandrine,

If I was you, I would consider taking the personal things that are very important to you and to your relationship with your bear and storing them in a safe place.  Those things that he had before you and that really were not a part of you and your bear...perhaps you should just give them to his family.  If there are items that they want and you cannot part with them, tell his family you are not ready to let go.

My situation is somewhat different from yours.  I was married to my second husband, but we had less than 4 years together.  There are many things that my husband's brother wanted.  I told him to make me a list, and when I was ready to go through my husband's things, I would make sure he got the items that he wanted if I chose not to keep them.  It took me 2 1/2 years to be ready, but his brother got almost everything he asked for and much more.  My BIL seems satisfied with how this worked out.

Your bear's family grieves their own loss and in their own minds, they were family to him.  My first husband's mother told me several times that losing your child is harder than losing your spouse.  In her mind, this was the absolute truth.  It hurt me each time she said this, until finally one day I stopped her and told her that they were two different things and we were both grieving and it didn't have to be a competition.  That made her think somewhat differently.  As much as you may know that your bear was not taken care of so well by his family and that he had the best years of his life with you, they see things from their own eyes.  They have lost their son and they grieve.  They want to hold on to their memories of him, just as you do.  They may not be able to understand your bond with him and how you were the most important family to him.  You know this.  You were the person he chose to live his life with.

I wish that I could tell you how to address this situation easily, but it is not easy.  Sometimes we have to find our voices and try to gently tell people that their words and actions hurt us.  You may need to tell his mother and stepfather that you continue to grieve heavily (just as they do) and you are not yet able to consider letting go of his property.  Assure them that you will not throw anything away, and that, in time, you will consider their requests.  I imagine that in the future, you will be more ready to give them some of what they want.

Hugs,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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sandrine2279

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Re: UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!
« Reply #16 on: August 20, 2016, 04:00:35 AM »
Thank you Maureen for you answer,

His mother is pressuring me calling all the time since yesterday.  She tries to call my mother too.
This stressful situation is really making me sick.
15 weeks out = it's yesterday he leaved my office and never came back home...
You're right I need time but they don't want to let me some.
At least, one year would be a more acceptable timeline for me.
I don't even know when or if I would be able to get back to our house one day.

Hugs

Sandrine







Kater

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Re: UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!
« Reply #17 on: August 20, 2016, 11:51:18 AM »
This is small potatoes compared to your situation, but my husband had an old radio cabinet that he got from his grandparents, I think.  It was in pretty rough shape, but we had it refinished and it is beautiful.  I love old furniture and both S and I really liked this piece.  The first time I had his brother over to my house (after S had died....we did not have a relationship before then), he was eying up the cabinet.  He had clear memories of it from his childhood.  I mentioned to my sister in law that he probably should have it, if it has family ties.  She suggested that, if he outright asked for it (which he never did), that I tell him that I will make sure it makes its way back to him and his family, but I am just not ready to do that right now.  I thought that was a great comment.  And I think I will offer it to him someday, even though I paid for the refinishing and it has been a much loved piece of furniture for me for 20 years. 

I do like Maureen's suggestion that you ask them to make a list.  If they don't know what they want, then they don't get it.  But I also sympathize that they probably want something(s) of his for that connection to him.

Ugh.  I am sorry you have to deal with this.  It all just sucks.

sandrine2279

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Re: UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!
« Reply #18 on: August 22, 2016, 07:03:16 AM »
Thank you Maureen and Kater,

Since my last post, his mother  went to the police station accusing me of robbing my bear's stuff and she said to my parents I was mean with him.
It also seems that she and her daughter read all the text messages I sent to my bear since the police has given them his phone and she also made sure, a few weeks ago, that my bear's friend who also have the only video with his voice won't give it to me.
Finally, she came at my parents and told them putting a stone on his grave is not her business...  today I learnt his father  was seen at the cementary leaving with flowers he took from the bins....
and I can't keep my bear's memories because we weren't married....
sorry, I needed to write it there.


Hugs.
 

nonesuch

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Re: UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!
« Reply #19 on: September 13, 2016, 08:18:46 PM »
I remember my neighbor telling me that when her Dad died, the children from his first marriage came and took everything.  I think she told me that she didn't have a single memento of her father.

Maybe I'm sneakier than a lot of you.

if there were things I really wanted to keep, they would be quietly stored at a friend's house, one of my friends, not one of his.

Actually LH's brother did ask about a specific item, and I never did find it.  It was a table saw that had belonged to their Dad.  I honestly could have parted with that...(I have two others) but whether LH sold it at a yard sale, bartered it, or broke it, I haven't any idea.  Sometimes things do get lost.

I'm sorry this has happened.  The only thing LH's daughter wanted was money, and that part was already determined by his will.   In fact, I had wanted to send her something, but he was kind of a pack rat, and there was nothing especially valuable or useful or sentimental that I ever found.

kaleighmorgan13

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Re: UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!
« Reply #20 on: January 17, 2017, 08:34:37 PM »
Hi all.

Where to begin.... I'm here because my boyfriend of 3 years was killed instantly in a single vehicle car accident 1 month ago on the 19th. I hate to call him just a boyfriend, as he was so much more - my soulmate, my best friend, my rock, the love of my life.... We lived together for the last 2 years. Though we weren't married yet, we had a beautiful life together.

That being said, we had our rough times. We had some trust issues and had broken up very recently for less than a month. After getting back together and deciding to put all of our past issues behind us, we had a ridiculously amazing last 2 months together. We were talking every day about getting married, and I think he was planning on proposing soon. Things were just so. insanely. perfect. I kind of feel like the break up happened for a reason... maybe God knew He was going to take Brad and wanted things to really end for us on a beautiful, happy note. I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason, but I can't begin to fathom what the reason would be for taking someone who had so much life and love ahead of him.

So anyway, now my best friend is gone, just like that. I feel numb, empty, and lost. I don't know where I'm supposed to go from here. I don't know why this has to happen. I miss him so much already, and it's only the beginning...

Christopher

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  • I came, I saw, I tried... I left.
Re: UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!
« Reply #21 on: August 15, 2017, 03:00:03 PM »
Marriage, according to thousands of years (the majority of mankind's existence) and since the Beginning:

Man + Woman + Sex = Marriage.

Corporations want to get their filthy hands in there and say things like "Not until you have a license!"
The authority of the corporations, like the United States LLC and its State corporations, descends through the legal system from the Throne of Lucifer in Vatican City LLC. Go ahead and research the legal system if you want, you'll find the same information. Personally I don't let demons tell me anything, especially whether or not I am married.

So those of you who were unwed under the demonic principalities of MindControl (GovernMent translates to this) were in truth married to the one you lost. Your widowhood is authentic.

Sex is sacred. Be careful who you lay with. Women store the electromagnetic imprint and DNA of every man they lay with. Men do a similar thing. Don't just share it freely.

Drafter

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Re: UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!
« Reply #22 on: August 19, 2017, 10:13:21 AM »
My story is simple…
We were in a long term relationship (LTR) for close to 20 years. Never married. Thankfully in this day and time most people (including my employer) understand that but still respected the fact that we were a couple so we were still legally able to have insurance together etc., etc., etc.,... The worst thing is NJ doesn’t recognize un-wed couples (like other states) as common law marriage so a lot of legal issues are being sorted out.

faye

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Re: UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!
« Reply #23 on: October 01, 2017, 02:07:30 PM »
Very few states, less than a dozen, recognize common law marriage.

A buddy of mine want to be on his girlfriend's  insurance.  The policy of her insurance company and employer was that you had to be married. 

Actually, at that time, they would have covered same sex domestic partners, too.  But if you could be legally married, you needed to do that. I guess I can see the point, you wouldn't want someone changing his or her covered partner every few months.

My friend and his girlfriend got married and just didn't tell anyone.