Author Topic: Remarried and my wedding anniversary to my husband that made me a widow...  (Read 4198 times)

tableforone

  • Guest
is next week. For some reason it is bothering me a lot. Yesterday, I sobbed for an hour about it. I was home alone. Two weeks ago I went alone to the place where we had eloped. I never cried there or felt remotely like I wanted to cry.

I love my new husband. From where I am typing I can see him in the backyard of the home we bought together. He loves yard work and is planning and building a giant vegetable garden. Tonight he will indulge me and my oldest friend, allowing us to tell stories about the 8th grade and graciously talking with her very shy fianc?. My dead husband NEVER helped me with yard work and was not at all interested in going out with other couples.

I don't know what point I am trying to make. Just rambling. Probably because I know that someone out there will understand. I miss my first husband this week. And I can't tell my new husband. I mean I could and he would be kind about it. But it might hurt his feelings. So I told you guys instead.

mokie

  • Member
  • Posts: 137
Yep, that's a fine line, isn't it? Glad you posted it here.
When you get the choice to sit it out or dance... I hope you dance!

Wheelerswife

  • Member
  • Posts: 1066
  • Widowed x 2.
Sigh.  It's hard to think that you can't express something such as missing your dead husband with your current husband, but there just isn't any way that anyone, really, knows the depth to which we feel that loss.  It is unique.  John and I would acknowledge those days together, but had to grieve on our own, too.  I think I reached out to John more than he reached out to me, but I think that was more a function of our different personalities.  He tended to grieve more inwardly.  He never went back to YWBB after we were together.  Me?  I've been here 5 1/2 years.  Just different ways of coping.

Hugs, TFO...and grab that little dog and snuggle if you need to!

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

anniegirl

  • Member
  • Posts: 322
My husband is widowed to. He gets it and will listen to me talk, hold me if I need to cry and Is incredibly patient with my loathing of the LH's mother (he doesn't get that though b/c his ILs were wonderful people), but I really don't like talking to him about LH.

There is no fine line or anything. It just feels too private. Too separate. Too "just my business".

The anniversary of what would have been our 15th was last summer. I haven't paid much attention to the date in forever really but it was a biggie and I have a friend who married just months before we did and her sharing about her anniversary on FB made me aware of the "significance" of the anniversary.

I've been married twice now and still haven't spent 15 years married between them. Maybe that's what caught my attention? How some people just get to have that and some of us don't.

You never know what's going to pull you up and remind you in a way that bothers you when it hasn't before.



« Last Edit: April 13, 2015, 06:09:57 PM by anniegirl »
This is not the droid you are looking for.

patriciad

  • Member
  • Posts: 107
I feel the same way.
My new DH is a widower and his sadaversary is April 20-mine is the 28th.  We don't talk too much about it.  Know his daughter will always put up a pic of her mom on Facebook.  My guys will usually offer a toast or an anecdote.  But we never sit and talk about how much we really miss them.  I know he would listen but I just don't feel comfortable doing that.
I usually come here and read and then read some more.  Occasionally post.  I find comfort doing that.

My new DH's birthday is the same date as my first wedding anniversary.  It is very strange but it is what it is.  Still celebrating the day but in a different way.

Pat

MissinGrizz

  • Member
  • Posts: 98
I completely get it. As you know TFO, I was wed last summer. On the sadversary, my husband asked what I needed. My kids didn't want to watch movies or chat about him, which bummed me out. My sweet husband offered to instead, but I politely declined.

A medium once told my sister that I should look for the red tail hawk circling above as a sign of DH watching over me. The last two times my husband and I went for a walk at our special place, he pointed excitedly at the hawk circling above. I can't take that joy from him saying what it might mean or what it makes me think of.  So many things can be so confusing.

A Tout Jamais

  • Member
  • Posts: 175
(((Tableforone)))

I sent you a PM!

BIG Hug!!

ATJ
« Last Edit: May 19, 2016, 06:38:33 PM by A Tout Jamais »
"Tu n'es plus là où tu étais, mais tu es partout là où je suis."
~~ Victor Hugo

"Je me souviens de toi ... Je me souviens de nous  - Il était une fois -  Je me souviens de tout!"

nonesuch

  • Guest
I feel the same way about spending too much time talking to New Beau about LH.  he's okay with it, really, but it's not New Beau's burden to bear.  It's private...or something like that.  I have a forty minute commute twice a day.  I can cry then if I need to.

thejourney

  • Member
  • Posts: 31
I am relieved to see this string and everyone's comments, thanks for posting TFO.
So often on this board, I hear about how great chapter two is about chapter one and supportive and understanding.  I think it is easier when both are members of the widda club - a mutual understanding. But for me, Chapter two is Divorced and has her own baggage.  I try very hard not to include Chapter 1 in my new life - but sometimes that feels unnatural and I worry that my kids may be missing out because I am not celebrating their Mom enough.  It is just nice to know that other people are also holding back sometimes.  thank you!

Captains wife

  • Member
  • Posts: 607
First of all, sorry you are grieving again and this is absolutely the right place to share that. Secondly, I think its almost impossible NOT to miss our late husbands/wives, at least in some way. For some of us, these people were in our lives for many years and, for others (like me), our spouses were only in our lives for a few years or less - but we had a special connection with them. I am 3 years out, not remarried but have been dating someone exclusively but still miss my husband all the time - even when new guy is around. I feel that even though we may be happy with a new partner in Chapter 2, it doesnt replace our Chapter 1. I didnt have a "perfect" marriage like some people on here but my late husband influenced my life in alot of ways and there is a part of me that will never stop missing him and loving him, especially as the great father he was. I am happy for you that you are happy in Chapter 2 and hope this grief wave is over soon...NONE of this is easy.....

MrsT85

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 240
  • Widowed by a car accident at age 27
...have been dating someone exclusively but still miss my husband all the time - even when new guy is around. I feel that even though we may be happy with a new partner in Chapter 2, it doesn't replace our Chapter 1.

I agree wholeheartedly.  I think I may end up very happy in my Chapter 2 with my fiance, but I'll always miss my Tim.  I'll always love him and want what "could have been."

And I too hold back a bit with Fiance - he's never been married and hasn't had a relationship longer than ours since he was in college.  He's never experienced the connection you can have with a spouse, so sometimes I feel like there's a lot that he can't understand about both HAVING and LOSING a solid marriage.  So I keep a lot of my emotional turmoils to myself, saving it for the boards here or my own "quiet reflection time" during my daily transits to and from work.  He's patient enough as it is with all of my baggage, I don't want to also weigh him down by admitting how much my grief still impacts me  :-\   
Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face

Do You Realize??

01/12/1977-04/06/2013

maddalena

  • Member
  • Posts: 151
I get it too.  But my new guy knows that i grieve for my DH sometimes. he even helps interpret my dreams about him.